A Mixed Bag

Yesterday was my first portfolio workshop session. We had a good turnout compared to the few who came for the information session a few weeks ago. Our group is about 8 people of different ages and backgrounds. It was a humbling experience to see some had not managed to have an easy life but were doing their best. I felt that many of the things I’ve done and took for granted were actually more than some manage to accomplish. So I suppose it was a reality check that provided me with a sense of greater perspective. Perhaps it was a feeling of gratitude for what I have been able to do in my life even if I don’t always feel successful.

Later I ruined things a bit by eating dairy and having egg salad not long after. Both things can give me trouble digestive wise. Dairy more so though. My stomach felt awful and I didn’t enjoy my afternoon at all. By evening I was feeling a little better once the Gravol had done its job.

Today I had my first appointment with my new counselor. She’s a lovely person that I immediately connected with. She reminded me of my last psychologist I had before leaving university. Unfortunately she’s an intern half way through her time at the place I go so we have three months together. I’m going to go twice a month because it’s $40.00 each appointment so more than that would be too much for me. My dad is actually the one paying so I am very grateful he is doing this for me. Hopefully the six sessions I have with my new counselor will help. I felt like I was able to open up and shared quite a lot about my history, including abuse I’d suffered (although not the specifics). It felt good to have my concerns and feelings validated.

Actually, come to think of it, that appointment I had today with my counselor was probably the only time I’ve ever been able to comprehensively tell my ‘story’ on the first meeting. My trust levels have increased a great deal so I felt like I could share a lot and didn’t feel anxiety. In the past, when my mom was still alive, I’d go to therapy and have anxiety about disclosing certain things. There was a lot of shame and secrecy left in me then so sharing wasn’t always productive. I often withheld information and repressed a lot. This time I felt a willingness to disclose as much as I could in a cogent narrative. The fact I managed to recall as much as I did and the dates to go with the stuff surprised me in a good way.

Transformation

I’d gone to my counselor today worried about what would happen and had a very positive experience, apart from the tears (crying) and jamming my middle fingernail in the door to the counseling office. Although I’d been concerned about who I would be working with I realized those concerns didn’t impede me from sharing my history once there in person. My worry was about if I’d like the counselor and if I’d have to ask to see someone else; luckily, my experience went well and I feel quite comfortable with this new counselor I have. Too bad she’s only around for three more months (end of April). All the same I think 6 sessions will go a long way toward me feeling better about myself. I’m feeling hopeful.

©Natalya, 2013.

About these ads