A few of my fellow bloggers have written about gratitude and forgiveness recently which got me to thinking
about the two topics and how they relate to my life. I had been trying to think about how to write about my mother on here but couldn’t quite decide how to do it. Then I saw some of you talking about forgiving difficult people and I knew I wanted to discuss that more concerning how my mother hurt me. It’s difficult to really bring up the details but I’ll do my best to talk about things in a general way that doesn’t go deeply into the abuse itself-I don’t wish to blog about that…not now anyhow.
As I’ve mentioned before, in past posts, my mother and I had a poor relationship. It wasn’t a warm mother-daughter relationship in any way, shape, or form. Mom was abused in many awful ways as a child by her parents and never got help to deal with the aftermath of the trauma she had to deal with. A few of you who regularly read my posts know I have had problems pertaining to dissociation most of my life; well my mother hardly seemed to stay ‘present’ in her body for very long in the time I knew her. I’m certain as a baby I felt her dissociate but obviously can’t remember enough to verify it. All I know is she would switch from one state to another fairly often. By state I mean her mood would shift and she’d become different to me.
I was never able to have discussions with her because she never remembered doing or saying anything. The only stuff I could talk about with her was present issues but trying to bring up the past with her was like banging your head against a wall. She never admitted to anything. I felt constantly mind f*cked by her growing up. I am beginning to think she didn’t do it on purpose but really had no memory due to her excellent dissociative abilities. At times I honestly thought I was talking to different people though I knew she was the same person physically, apart from different style of dressing and mannerisms, speech, etc. DID sufferers will likely have figured out my mom had DID-she was never clinically diagnosed but it was too obvious for me to ignore.
Growing up with that level of daily chaos was very detrimental to my mental health. She did not merely neglect me benignly though. Mom abused me in lots of different ways I don’t wish to discuss here. I started dissociating around 5 or 6 years old, or maybe as young as three-I can’t be certain. At 5 I already felt trapped, like my life was closing in on me and things were futile. Depression set in and I didn’t know that I was dissociating to cope with my life but I was. My memory is not superb from childhood so I won’t, can’t, give you specific events and dates for when things happened. I’m lucky I am stable enough these days to not dissociate regularly anymore.
What I wanted to mention here is that my mother has since died, four years ago this October 25, and in those four years following her death I have been able to find compassion for myself and for her too. I know mom never meant to abuse me but she did and I don’t excuse that; however, I do forgive her because I know she hurt more than I can even imagine. What she suffered at the hands of her mother and father was more than any child should ever have to know. It’s not a matter of me comparing my abuse to her’s though. All I’m pointing out is I have compassion for the suffering she endured and forgive her.
So gratitude. What am I grateful for? Well I am grateful for many things in my life but I think most of all I am grateful for compassion. I’m grateful to have been shown compassion(from therapists)and to have been able to be compassionate towards myself and others, especially my mom.
Post from my other blog concerning wellness: http://findinghealthafterillness.wordpress.com/2012/09/22/wellness-is-achieved-through-practice/
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