Reading too many blogs about childhood abuse has made my PTSD symptoms flare up. I feel the hypervigilance I used to years ago when I wasn’t managing my symptoms well. Intrusive thoughts and memories come back that I’d like to push away. There’s too much I want to forget about but can’t. Why can’t I just let it go? It’s been YEARS but triggers set me back. I should have known better than to immerse myself in the reading of troubling content. I was ‘testing’ myself though. To see if I could tolerate the pain of others and not be swept up into it. Clearly I’m not able to deal with my PTSD through ‘immersion”. It’s too much too close and I’m becoming numb again. Is the only solution to never read or look at content related to the original trauma? I’d like to crawl into a hole and stay in the dark until the feelings subside. Yet I know numbing myself and avoidance can’t be good for me either. Certainly I don’t want to only be able to feel anger or irritability. Jumping at things that startle me and startling more easily has also returned. How long before I can get back to feeling a bit of calmness? Does this s*it never end? I’m tired of feeling these emotions.
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