So today is four years since my mom died and I’m feeling reasonably good considering the date. I think most of October was difficult emotionally for me so maybe I can cope a little better today. It’s been a real roller coaster ride of emotions over the past four years; inevitably, mom’s anniversary brings up material, sometimes good but mainly sad. Incidentally sadness is a salient feeling for me as I face some realizations, whilst anger bubbles up, with hurt at the other end. Really, I don’t know how I made it this far but I guess I’m stronger than I think, at least emotionally. Mind you I still deal with PTSD symptoms so emotional strength doesn’t prevent suffering.
In case you’re new to my blog or haven’t read past posts, I had an abusive mother. She dissociated a lot and had mental illnesses so often didn’t recall things, or if she did she discounted my feelings. This isn’t surprising as she endured significant abuse as a child from both parents so I don’t blame her. But I did feel a lot of anger this month. Normally I am not angry often but most of October anger was my predominant feeling. Then I had my aura read by a wonderful woman, Jennifer Flint (The Aura Reader http://theaurareader.com), and I discovered some things about myself and life. Consequently, I was able to examine what was happening for me this past month in a new context with my new knowledge. If you want a scarily accurate reading of your aura, Jennifer Flint is the person to see! She charges a reasonable amount for the service she gives. She can do your reading over the internet if you provide a current picture of yourself.
Now, I’ve gotten off track! LOL I wanted to say that I feel much better this year than I did last year on this date. For one thing my mom’s mother and sister never phoned to meet for a family gathering, unlike last year when we got together at a restaurant, where I listened to all the positive stuff about my mother and I tried suppressing my anger. My maternal grandmother and aunt never say negative stuff about my mom and I get the sense they don’t want to hear negative things about her; thus I end up suppressing all my anger and feeling like I am being choked. So I am grateful this year wasn’t a repeat of last!
Even my dad has been doing better, especially concerning parting with some of my mom’s things. I think his progress with his grief has helped me because I used to absorb his feelings and become depressed. I guess I still absorb his feelings to some extent but feel less like I take on all of his emotions. You could pathologize this and call it a personality disorder symptom, or do a nice narrative reinterpretation of it and call it extreme empathy. Otherwise known as an empath. It’s not really important though if you call it a symptom or gift. I am strange enough to be okay with either interpretation! Okay, I am not really all that strange but sometimes I feel like I am because I don’t do what everyone else does.
There’s still some anger lingering in me regarding my mom’s treatment of me growing up. I guess I can’t just wave a wand and make it disappear. That would be nice though! I don’t enjoy being angry but it’s honest anyway. Better than bottling it up like I used to and pretend it’s not there. Dealing with my emotions in an honest manner continues to be a challenge for me but I’m making progress so I feel proud of myself. Undoubtedly, dealing with my feelings will be my Achilles heel all my life but at least my awareness of them continues to increase. The best I can do is to keep working away on myself.
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