Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Mom’s 4th Anniversary (Death)

8 Comments

So today is four years since my mom died and I’m feeling reasonably good considering the date. I think most of October was difficult emotionally for me so maybe I can cope a little better today. It’s been a real roller coaster ride of emotions over the past four years; inevitably, mom’s anniversary brings up material, sometimes good but mainly sad. Incidentally sadness is a salient feeling for me as I face some realizations, whilst anger bubbles up, with hurt at the other end. Really, I don’t know how I made it this far but I guess I’m stronger than I think, at least emotionally. Mind you I still deal with PTSD symptoms so emotional strength doesn’t prevent suffering.

In case you’re new to my blog or haven’t read past posts, I had an abusive mother. She dissociated a lot and had mental illnesses so often didn’t recall things, or if she did she discounted my feelings. This isn’t surprising as she endured significant abuse as a child from both parents so I don’t blame her. But I did feel a lot of anger this month. Normally I am not angry often but most of October anger was my predominant feeling. Then I had my aura read by a wonderful woman, Jennifer Flint (The Aura Reader http://theaurareader.com), and I discovered some things about myself and life. Consequently, I was able to examine what was happening for me this past month in a new context with my new knowledge. If you want a scarily accurate reading of your aura, Jennifer Flint is the person to see! She charges a reasonable amount for the service she gives. She can do your reading over the internet if you provide a current picture of yourself.

Now, I’ve gotten off track! LOL I wanted to say that I feel much better this year than I did last year on this date. For one thing my mom’s mother and sister never phoned to meet for a family gathering, unlike last year when we got together at a restaurant, where I listened to all the positive stuff about my mother and I tried suppressing my anger. My maternal grandmother and aunt never say negative stuff about my mom and I get the sense they don’t want to hear negative things about her; thus I end up suppressing all my anger and feeling like I am being choked. So I am grateful this year wasn’t a repeat of last!

Even my dad has been doing better, especially concerning parting with some of my mom’s things. I think his progress with his grief has helped me because I used to absorb his feelings and become depressed. I guess I still absorb his feelings to some extent but feel less like I take on all of his emotions. You could pathologize this and call it a personality disorder symptom, or do a nice narrative reinterpretation of it and call it extreme empathy. Otherwise known as an empath. It’s not really important though if you call it a symptom or gift. I am strange enough to be okay with either interpretation! Okay, I am not really all that strange but sometimes I feel like I am because I don’t do what everyone else does.

There’s still some anger lingering in me regarding my mom’s treatment of me growing up. I guess I can’t just wave a wand and make it disappear. That would be nice though! I don’t enjoy being angry but it’s honest anyway. Better than bottling it up like I used to and pretend it’s not there. Dealing with my emotions in an honest manner continues to be a challenge for me but I’m making progress so I feel proud of myself. Undoubtedly, dealing with my feelings will be my Achilles heel all my life but at least my awareness of them continues to increase. The best I can do is to keep working away on myself.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

8 thoughts on “Mom’s 4th Anniversary (Death)

  1. “There’s still some anger lingering in me regarding my mom’s treatment of me growing up. I guess I can’t just wave a wand and make it disappear. That would be nice though! I don’t enjoy being angry but it’s honest anyway.”

    That’s it in a nutshell. Kind regard;

    Miriam Laskey

  2. Aww, you are very sweet to mention me, thank you! And I do think you are an extreme empath, in a good way. I am very impressed by your compassion toward people despite your circumstances. It takes a special and well-developed soul to do that, so don’t forget it! You may be able to use your experiences to help other people, and in fact I would say that you already are, through this forum. I think you’re awesome, so just carry on being awesome! Shouldn’t be a problem for you! 🙂

  3. Grief is like an onion I think, we keep finding there are more layers to unwrap, and especialy during aniverseries the different stages we journey through are even more pronounced .Take care and be gentle on yourself during this challenging time x

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