Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Female Sexual Perpetrators (MDSA)

28 Comments

Well I talked about this on my other blog and I want to share it here too. For most of my life I remained silent about the sexual abuse I received. It was shameful not knowing the abuse I had suffered had a name and was actually experienced by other daughters as children. What am I talking about you may be wondering, well I was not sexually abused by a man so I mistakenly believed I was never sexually abused. That is until in therapy after describing something my psychologist pointed out it was actually sex abuse! I couldn’t believe it at first. How could my own mother have sexually abused me? But the more I looked honestly at the abuse the more I recognized it for what it was-MDSA (mother daughter sex abuse). This lead me to being able to see myself as the victim and it was therapeutic to a point. But seeing myself go from a bad, shameful child to a victim of MDSA didn’t help me initially.

It’s been two years since I had the therapy session where the truth was exposed and in those two years I didn’t realize it but I’d become a victim. In my mind I’d gone from being a survivour to a victim upon finding out about the MDSA. Thus, these past two years I’ve spent feeling sorry for myself and wanting to hide from the world. The depression I’d been dealing with intensified and my mental health deteriorated. For some reason I couldn’t figure out why this had happened to me. Why had I suffered and never known there was a name for it? Nobody ever mentioned to me before that women-especially mothers, could sexually abuse their children. How could I take in this information and feel healed? Well I couldn’t, to begin with. But two years later I have discovered others who’ve suffered the same kind of abuse from their mothers that I had. Thank goodness for WordPress! Who knows how long I’d have gone feeling like a victim if not for other bloggers brave enough to share their experiences.

I am so grateful other women are talking about this type of abuse. It tends to get treated like it’s minor compared to males who sexually abuse children. But having your mother sexually abuse you is NOT a rose garden in comparison to one’s father doing the abuse. Just because there’s no penis involved doesn’t make it less traumatizing for us who experienced it. We have every right to feel the same disgust those abused by men feel. More importantly though, we have the right to have your equal sympathy you give for survivours of sex abuse from fathers/males. Female perpetrators are just as damaging and hurt their victims/survivours maybe even more than male perpetrators. Feeling like your abuse isn’t abuse because of the perpetrator’s gender is terrible. It makes you(me) feel like ‘nothing much’ happened. That is so invalidating. You can’t know how badly it hurts to be ignored by support groups and self help books because all they talk about is men abusing children. It’s this collective denial of mothers sexually abusing children that made me unaware for most of my life I’d been sexually abused.

So I think it’s time we brought this type of abuse out of the shadows. Pretending it doesn’t exist helps no one, not even the perpetrators because they don’t get treatment. Male sex offenders get treatment because people talk about it but when the abuse is ignored how can it be dealt with? How can female sex offenders be treated if no one acknowledges they are sexual offenders? I fully recognize many women abusers have been abused themselves but so have men sexual abusers in many instances. We don’t let them off the hook, do we?

This is probably a lot to take in if you’re new to this type of abuse. So I have a helpful link here you can visit for more information http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/mother-daughter-sexual-abuse (I found it on another blogger’s page so I’ll include her blog link here http://kate1975.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/mother-daughter-sexual-abuse-links/).Please visit the site and read this article. Do it for the women who’ve experienced MDSA and never knew what to call it. Do it so maybe someone you know can get the help they need if you begin to be aware of this kind of almost unrecognized abuse by our mainstream culture. Or just read it so you can start to feel sympathy for those who’ve had women sexually abuse them. It isn’t just daughters/girls but sons/males too. But I wanted to focus on the daughters because we’re ignored so much by the media and even support workers for sexual abuse. To read about boys sexually abused by women visit the link here http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/male-sexual-abuse-victims-of-female-perpetrators

Thank you.

©Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.

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Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

28 thoughts on “Female Sexual Perpetrators (MDSA)

  1. Thank you so much for writing about this difficult subject. As you know, I was sexually abused by my mother, too. It is more than sexual abuse, it is identity abuse and soul murder. The repercussions cannot be overstated. My blog has a list of books if you click on Mother-daughter sexual abuse. I’m so sorry you went through this too.

  2. I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for writing about this difficult topic. I agree more people need to know about this type of abuse and education is very important. Sending loads of comfort your way.xx

  3. wow i had no idea this type of abuse was so ignored. i’m so glad you were willing to blog about it. it is just as bad as any other form of abuse and definitely needs to be brough out of the shadows! xo

    • Thanks. Yes, it’s still ignored more than SA done by males but it’s becoming known a bit more. I don’t think it’s covered enough. Amazon has a good selection of books but compared to the number they’ve got for survivors of abuse from males there’s not much.

      • how sad as that, it’s likey to be more common if it’s kept in the dark, and i’m so sorry you suffered through that! xo

      • Totally! That’s why I think women who sexually abuse get away with it more. It’s likely getting better as more people become aware of it. Myself, I couldn’t find much in the book stores on it, or even at the library. On line book stores have better selection. Blogs like the ones on WP help too. I’m sick of seeing The Courage To Heal in the big box store book retailers. It barely mentions MDSA, except to say it doesn’t happen very much! I’m so glad Amazon has some books to choose from.

      • I’m glad they do too! Have you thought of publishing one in this regard on KDP??

      • That’s a good idea but I’m still too new to processing it and healing. Maybe when I feel like I’ve healed more I will. I’d like to talk about it. I’ve always kept my shame to myself but when I tell others it starts to go away. Shame only thrives when you keep stuff secret. So I figure I’ll start by blogging and see how it goes.

      • for sure, don’t write it if you’re not ready! i’m so glad you’re blogging about it though, what courage that takes!

      • Thank you. It’s hard when I have to struggle against the urge to minimize it though 😦 Too bad there wasn’t some kind of test that proves I’m traumatized so people don’t think I’m dramatic. Guess it’s the same with any invisible trauma-if people can’t see it it’s hard to think it’s as bad as it feels.

      • so true, i wonder if all of us who have been abused feel like we appear overly dramatic to others. i’m hearing that a lot latey and i know i feel it myself. i’m beginning to realize that i’m not overly dramtic, but what i went through is dramatic and extrememly traumatizing…i hate when people decide if they can’t see it, nothing is wrong! that was the father in my life even though he had been terribly abused, but he denied his own situation too.
        you know we should all wear a cast on our arms and when someone asks us what’s wrong, we can tell them we have broken insides! lol

      • That’s sad. I hear the same thing from so many people who have gone through emotional or sexual abuse. My dad’s dad was emotionally abusive but my dad doesn’t think of it as abuse. He can’t bring himself to speak ill of his father, especially as he’s dead now.
        The cast would certainly get attention! LOL

      • yes that generation didn’t talk of it. it’s weird too as the father took councelling courses and read many many books but could never apply any of it to himself…i guess that’s the way narcissists are.

      • Aw, that’s too bad about your father. He likely only became Narcissistic because he was abused. It’s compensation for feeling unloved. My mom was like that in my opinion.

      • yes i belive that’s why he is, i think i’m angrier that he refused to take a look at himself and do the work necessary to make life good for his kids and wife. i just recently found out that it was his father who did stuff to me as a baby, i wonder what my father knew of that and what my grandfather did to my Aunt, she is now gone but she was so messed up.

      • Yes, I used to feel angry my mom didn’t try more with the therapy too. It upset me that she felt like she had the right to have kids when she was so mentally troubled. I’ve been able to find compassion for her but it doesn’t make the abuse memories go away. My mother’s only brother-my uncle-I have negative feelings toward. You may think this is nuts but I look at his picture and feel sick and think of myself as a baby when he visited (he never visited again). Well a psychic confirmed my suspicions by saying she saw an uncle connected with something sick. It was regarding me. So my intuition was not wrong-never is! Anyhow, I have never seen him since his visit in the early 1980s when I was an infant. You know I think sickos like your grandfather and my uncle think we won’t have any issues after they abuse us b/c we were babies. But we remember! and there’s issues too 😦 I could go on all day about the harm of sexually abusing infants. It’s just so appalling and to think the adults doing it imagine they’ll likely never be found out.

      • Oh my goodness, my Uncle too. I’ve had such terror around him as far back as i can remember…the family put me down for it…i don’t know why…I do know he was abusive when i went to visit him in my 20’s and the whole family knew and put it all on me…but before that even…i can’t handle thinking of or seeing anything that resembles him, especially his hands…when i started talking about it once in therapy, my whole body started to shake…the “T” said we need to slow down on that one.
        yes i just had the conversation tonight with hubby about why they had me if they didn’t want me…why the mother didn’t protect me more or get us out
        Hubby said something that really made sense…
        I see things too black and white, maybe there was more to the story than i knew, maybe the mother was beaten or threatened, and in pure fear of him or for her life…maybe she took beatings for me i didn’t know about.
        then i remememberd her legs were always covered in bruises and she would say she just burised easily…hmmm..
        so now i’m not quite so mad at her as there could be more to the story.
        i’m just sad. xo

      • You know family dysfunction is just so complex and the reasons our abusers and people who could have-but didn’t protect us, well they’re multifaceted. That’s a long way of saying I don’t know! I suspect the people who abused us were abused themselves and never got help. The ones who didn’t protect us were too co-dependent to do anything. Any number of reasons are possible. I used to be so angry all the time it was eating me from within. So I decided a few years ago to try and deal with it. These days the anger is a lot less. I’m not being consumed by it and I have found compassion for my mother. The uncle I never see anyhow and don’t obviously have memories from when I was an infant. He, too, was likely abused and didn’t get treatment. It’s what tends to happen when people ignore the abuse they suffered, it gets acted out onto others.

      • i totally agree, that generation didn’t deal with anything, they swept it all under the carpet! there was a lot of abuse running in my family back a couple generations. it’s so sad.

      • it’s too bad can you imagine how much healthier millions would be if they didn’t sweep it?!

  4. I’m sorry dear person. For you and every other child who experienced this. Tears for your pain, joy for your steps to healing.

  5. Pingback: Let Your Daughter Go! Let Your Mother Go! DONE! - It Should Not Hurt to be a Wife

  6. Pingback: A sombre post; abuse « MindBlur

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