Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

A Documentary Tribute of Sorts to My Mom


Bourbon at Crazy in the Coconutshared this video(about DID) on her blog-a clip-and I found the full version. After

dissociative identity disorder 2

dissociative identity disorder 2 (Photo credit: hunnnterrr)

watching it I felt I’d been watching my mom and felt so sad for her. Hilary, the woman in the video, died at the same age as my mother did (60). The documentary is called When the Devil Knocks. It’s a Canadian film so I found it easily through the CBC website here in Canada. Anyway, I wanted to share it here because it made me think of my mom and I felt a lot of sadness for the little girl she once was going through trauma. Hilary had the same kind of face my mom did in her later years. They both had the same propensity for more masculine than feminine clothes too. My mom’s hair was longer than Hilary’s but otherwise they were very similar. Of course my mom never went into therapy so that’s a big difference. I don’t know what my mom would have been like if she had gone into therapy to the point where she integrated her personality like Hilary did. I do wish she had sought therapy though. It might have spared me from having to go through a decade of personal therapy.


*Mom, I forgive you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and were too traumatized to go through therapy. I’m sorry you were abused and traumatized by your family and wish you had a better life. If you were still here I don’t know that I’d have reached this place of acceptance so soon. But I want you to know I love you and forgive you. I hope you are at peace now and are able to live a happier life in your next incarnation.

©Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.


Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

24 thoughts on “A Documentary Tribute of Sorts to My Mom

  1. So heartfelt and touching! Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself…..and one of the hardest. Keep on going.

  2. Great that you got to watch it for free. Lovely tribute to your mum xx

  3. Wow it gives the courage to keep going and hope that it can get better! How amazing that you are able to forgive your mother! xo

    • Thanks. I forgave her before today but it’s not like I’m going to erase the memories. The knowledge of what happened is still there but the pain and anger isn’t so apparent anymore. I suppose some people might have different ideas of forgiveness and for that reason I try to not proclaim it too often. The notion of forgive and forget doesn’t work for me. I’m more into taking a intellectual approach in the beginning then following it up with compassion. Once I have enough compassion in me it gets easier to forgive. Forgiveness is really one of those words people can get caught up with-like happiness-on its definition.

      • so very true! i often think i’ve forgiven and then discover i’m still mad or bitter, but that doesn’t necessarily mean i haven’t either, i don’t think?? it is a tough thing!

      • Well if you’re still mad or bitter you likely haven’t totally forgiven the person; however, I don’t want to say that you haven’t forgiven them. Still, I tend to think if you still have a bit of resentment, or what have you, then the process hasn’t been completed yet.
        I’m not angry at my mother but I haven’t forgotten the actions. I think you can feel angry for how you were treated but it’s your feelings toward the abuser that matter more. You don’t need to pretend it never happened but you can reach a place inside where you don’t feel bothered anymore about what happened-not in the same way anyhow. It’s hard to explain. Only you know if you have forgiven someone. I can’t tell you.
        Yes, it’s tough for sure. It’s not like there’s a test you can do and find out when the results come back! LOL. Why does forgiveness have to be so complicated?! 😛

      • that made total sense, maybe i need to work through the anger first and that will lead to forgiviness…i hate the saying that forgiveness is a choice, it’s one difficult choice. although i know logically that forgiviness is for me and it’s not letting them off the hook, it feels like that.
        i wish there were a test i could do that have the answers on the back…LOL

      • Yeah, I agree it’s a difficult concept and some people make it sound like it’s easier than it is. Maybe if all a person did was bump into you that’s easy to forgive, but when it’s systematic abuse day in and day out it gets harder. For a long time I thought forgiving someone was saying I thought what was done was okay. Then I read more about forgiveness and what various writers thought and decided it was for me more than anyone. After you forgive someone it allows you to stop being angry or upset, etc. and that’s a real gift to you. I felt much lighter in spirit once I’d dropped the anger towards my mother. But somehow I can’t bring myself to say I’ve forgiven her around my dad because then he’d start talking about her ALL THE TIME! Forgiveness hasn’t made me able to listen to endless praise about my mother from my dad.
        My dad has no insight or perceptiveness when it comes to people’s feelings. So he basically will assume you think like he does unless you say otherwise in plain language. The other reason I don’t talk much about forgiveness around my dad is he’d take it to mean nothing bad had actually happened. He doesn’t want to think his precious wife was bad in any way. It’s frustrating.
        Sorry I didn’t mean to rant about that. It’s one thing I find annoying about my dad. His inability to see people clearly. He’s quite suspicious of lots of people but if it’s family he can’t view them objectively. Thinks they’re basically all good and when he doesn’t he can’t admit it.
        I apologize for the extended rant.

      • I hear you, and you don’t need to aplolgize for the rant! I’m glad to listen! I don’t think you have to share it with your father. He doesn’t need to know,especially if he will cause you more pain in knowing.
        It sounds like he would. Just knowing in your heart you have is all that’s needed.
        I’m sorry that your father hurts you too xo

      • Thanks. My dad doesn’t mean to hurt me. It’s his overwhelming guilt attached to having been a workaholic and not at home with my mom hardly ever. His religious upbringing also taught him to not speak badly of dead people and to honour one’s parents. So he has a very hard time admitting things weren’t ‘hunky dory’ at home. I mean he was never home so how the heck would he know my mother was a good mom or not? His default is to say mothers are good. Even my mom’s mother who beat her and was cruel to her-he treats her with respect. It makes me feel annoyed because he doesn’t use his brain. He’s got a big heart but he still annoys me with his indiscriminate praise and respect for people who don’t deserve it.

      • i wonder if he just cannot handle the truth…to admit it would be really painful and put him in a precarious position as far as his parenting is concerned…this is not to let him off the hook but we as you know have to be really strong to see this stuff and admit it…then stand our ground against the grain.
        i also wonder if he too was abused in one way or another in his childhood?
        oh how i get the religious upbringing, the parents are very religious, they think they are Christian. the father used it against us and as justification for his abuse all the time…”the man is the head of the household” justified his insane control.

      • You’re quite right, he can’t handle the truth. Yes, he was abused by his father but it was emotional abuse more than anything. He was never physically punished or sexually abused. But he grew up with a very controlling father who criticized him for everything. His father criticized him if he wasn’t able to do what he could do. My grandfather was slightly narcissistic too b/c he thought he could do everything superbly. The stuff he couldn’t do was unimportant. So my poor dad being unable to do much of what his dad could do was constantly put down. The worst part was he would tell my dad it was “constructive criticism” and my dad believed after hearing it all his life. Since he was taught to honour his parents it was impossible for him to speak badly about his father. So basically he can’t speak the truth about abusive parents. He just denies it and says his father was a good one and tried to do the best for him. But when he says it it’s always after a litany of complaints. He totally contradicts himself! It’s very obvious to me he holds resentment/pain but can’t own it.

      • Wow there is a lot of pain there. the father in my life would say that same thing at times “constructive critisim” it’s not it’s verbal/emotional abuse, but i believed him at the time, i was a kid. i’m sorry your father was abused too. it destroys generations. 😦

      • Yeah, it’s sad to think of all the abuse in my family on both sides 😦

      • it is sad.
        the abuse was bad on the fathers side, and i’m beginning to realize it was likey on the mother’s side too just not as blatently obvious…which is funny as the uncle has abused me, so you think it would be obvious to me…

      • That’s the sad thing about abuse in families. Until someone stops and gets help it keeps getting perpetuated by the next generation. In many instances it likely can be traced back through the family tree 😦

      • so true, but we are stopping it at us!

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