Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Thinking About Dying


Well there you have it, the topic I’ve been mulling over lately, death and dying. Why? I’m not sure apart from I generally



think about it sometimes more so than others, depending on the situation or circumstances at present. Right now I suppose it’s because I found out my last grandparent has dementia. She’s in her 80’s but last year when I saw her she was sharp and doing well according to a recent(then recent) medical inspection. So when I found out she had Dementia with Lewy Bodies I got a little…hmm, contemplative I guess. My grandmother was a very abusive woman to my mother and didn’t apologize until late in my mom’s life, and only after my mom pushed the subject. Perhaps you can understand then my less than overly affectionate feelings towards her. Mom kept me from seeing my grandmother when I was a child because she was so angry with her. I was fed lots of negative stories about her and I have no doubt they were very true, thus I didn’t miss her.

Full of Remorse?

Full of Remorse?anguish?

Then when I was an adult and my mom reached out to her mother a relationship was established-not a strong one but it was something. A few years passed and my mother forgot the repairs to the relationship as her Early on-set Alzheimer’s took hold of her memory. So the relationship drifted. All this is to explain why I’m not overly emotional about my grandmother’s dementia diagnosis. It’s complicated when you’ve gone so long without any connection then try forging one when you’re an adult. I guess the death piece entered my mind because it’s been 4 years since my mom died and my grandmother has been declining in her health ever since. Primarily she had depression and understandable guilt from having been a terrible mother. Now she has dementia. I can only guess at how long she’ll last but I have a hunch it won’t be as long as expected for the specific condition she has. My intuition is she’ll go early from grief. How does one ever truly reconcile out living one’s child knowing your part in it was to blame? I suppose she could live years, but I think months are more likely. A boat load of guilt is hard to live with for very long. But she might surprise me and live a few more years yet.

Lately I’ve been wondering about what happens to the soul once the body dies. I’m not Christian so don’t believe in

How do you view death?

How do you view death?

Heaven. But I have my own ideas on where the soul goes. I should mention I don’t believe in Hell either. I’m quite certain we make our own Hell here on earth. I’d venture to share with you my theory about the “afterlife” but this blog isn’t focused on that; also I don’t think it’s fair to get into a host of metaphysical discussions when I’ve marketed this as a place for sharing my thoughts on abuse, mental health and spirituality(in a general sense). So I’ll spare you the speculations I have about what happens when we die.

How many of you regularly think about death(in a broad sense)? including your own death? Is it something you fear or accept?

©Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.


Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

17 thoughts on “Thinking About Dying

  1. I am now at the age that my mother was when she died. For a long time, I felt that if I made it to this age, and past this year, that I would be fine. Something has changed in the last year, though. I do not fear dying. I am not ready, either, but I accept it. I am a Christian, so maybe that helps me, but I’d still be one even if there were no “reward,” if that makes any sense. I have also seen some lovely deaths in recent years. Hmmm…I will now go ponder my change in view regarding fearing death. LOL

    • Thanks for your response! I thought nobody would comment. I know what you mean about the ‘reward’ aspect and it not being what draws you to your faith. The deaths I’ve seen have all been horrible-resulting from illness. I’m not afraid of death but I don’t want to die anytime soon either! Lets hope we’re both around for many years yet!!!

      • Death is a part of life. Therefore, it requires honest and thoughtful discussion. Sadly, it is such a taboo topic for so many. Yes, let’s hope for many more year sans dementia. Scrabble, I say!! 😉

      • LOL, yes we’ll have to play lots of Scrabble!

        I think death has become taboo as a topic of conversation because of our (mainstream Western) culture’s obsession with youth. Dying isn’t a disease though. We all die sometime.

  2. Death is something I don’t fear one little bit, and in fact I’m rather looking forward to it, although not in any kind of death-wish way, as I still have work to do here. I do believe we go somewhere far more peaceful and pleasant than this planet, and I can’t wait to find out what it’s like. I think it will be quite an adventure.

    I know for a certainty that people do survive death, and I know I’ll see people again that I really miss. So it’s not a fearful concept to me, although of course I want the process of death itself to be pleasant and not painful.

    I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother, and I hope that when she gets to the other side, she will have learned lessons from the things that she did here, and won’t repeat her mistakes in her next incarnation. The same goes for your mother, too.

    • Thanks Jenny! I knew you didn’t fear death(or suspected you didn’t at any rate). It’s great to have people who will talk openly about death because so many don’t. I’m odd I guess but death isn’t taboo to me like it is to society.
      Hoping my mom and grandmother learn from their behaviour here too. Maybe they’ll be able to live their next life better.

  3. I try not to think about dying too much, it kind of gets in the way of living for me,although i think that it is important to accept that dying is part of life, i could get all bound up in thinking about it. I think it is nautral to think about dying when it comes home in the form of friends, relatives, loss. i have way too much living to do yet, I’m just too busy to die!

  4. I am a Christian and afraid of dying. It is natural. I accept it as part of life, if one can say that without feeling ridiculous, death and life in the same sentence. If everyone were honest, they would have a fear of death. Given enough time, I suppose, through a long illness, I would come to some acceptance, maybe even welcome it if I were suffering. But right now, I fear it.

    • Thanks Mel. Is is too forward to ask why you fear death/dying? The only thing I fear is having some kind of awful illness to suffer through, or being murdered. Otherwise I am not afraid to die. That being said I don’t WANT to die now though! I’ve got things I want to do still 😉

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