What can I say, being chronically tired sucks! After reading another blogger’s post about her fatigue and various other
health issues, I thought we might have something in common (besides PTSD). Adrenal fatigue. Apparently millions of Americans and Canadians (as well as other nationalities) suffer with Adrenal fatigue. It’s under diagnosed though because doctors prefer to wait until they can order a test and get clear results. My previous post had a link to what Adrenal fatigue is so I won’t include anything here.
The reason why I think Adrenal fatigue may be my problem is I am low on energy, tired a lot despite sleeping 8-10 (sometimes longer) hours. It doesn’t matter if I am doing very little or not because I am still tired. In 2007 my mother was diagnosed with Early on-set Alzheimer’s disease. In 2008 she died. Then my grandfather died the following year just 5 months later. In 2009 my social work education fell to pieces and I relapsed into my eating disorder. 2010 I quit my job, was not going to graduate from my degree and began recovering from my ED the same year. Quitting my job was great and I have no regrets. Deciding not to finish my social work degree didn’t hurt me apart from the flack I received from other well-meaning people. It was a relief to not have to be immersed in social justice issues and be stressed about where I’d work since I didn’t like any options available to me. To be frank, I was happy to be away from it. I’d entered social work school to start with because I didn’t know what else I could do with my Bachelor of Arts. In retrospect I should have known it would never have worked out for me due to my own issues and lack of desire for talking with lots of people (unless you’re referring to intellectual subject matter, in which case I enjoy that!).
So after my stresses beginning in 2007-2010, I can look at it and see how I could have stressed my adrenal glands. After 2010 my life got better but I was exhausted ALL THE TIME. Looking for a job was tiring and stressful but I tried not to let it get to me. In general my approach worked because I had my anxiety under control much better than the previous year. But 2011 and 2012 were still stressful because I worried about finding a job with the concern it was impossible due to my unrelenting fatigue. Sleeping was what I wanted to do most of all! I had to give up my seat in the Masters of Library and Information Studies, even after the maximum 1 yr deferral(due to lack of money for tuition), so felt unhappy and worried. The past couple of years have been stressful even though I’ve not done a heck of a lot (objectively to an outsider). Adrenal fatigue lowers your capacity for dealing with stress, thus it’s easier-takes less, to make me feel pressured.
Shame is probably the biggest thing I have to deal with, that and not enough self-compassion. Family and friends ask me
how my job search is going or if I’ve got a job yet, all I want to do is let them know what is easy for them isn’t for me. I seem to be taking eons to some who know me but it’s not because I am a lazy b*tch with a Diva complex! Quite the opposite, I’m using the energy I have to look for work that I know I can handle. Being exhausted a lot narrows my options drastically. But how do I show family and friends all of this? It’s not possible. They can only look and, likely, think I’m sitting on my butt too much! To be fair, sometimes I think this as well. This only compounds things making me feel worse about myself though. I’m seriously lucky to be living with my Dad who doesn’t demand I pay bills/rent. At the same time I feel guilty about it because lots of people think you’re a “failure” if you’re still living at home at 30. But I have tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt from university. It’s expensive to move out and my student loan monthly payments would have to be dropped substantially meaning years more of interest on top of the principal.
Anyway, I think I’m loosing track of my thoughts so will wrap up here. I’m sorry for whining but I needed to vent!
©Natalya & Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2013.
- Adrenal Fatigue (reflectionsonlifethusfar.wordpress.com)
- Forgive me, adrenals (metaphoricalmarathons.wordpress.com)