Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Day 1 of 30 Day Challenge


Question/Discussion Topic: Your current relationship. If single discuss being single.

As I am single I shall discuss that. Although I could take ‘your current relationship’ and be more liberal in my interpretation telling you how I feel about myself. But I’ll stick to literal interpretations and answer in a direct way.

I’ve been single my whole life because I have feared intimacy and having my personal space invaded by another person. Thus, I have only ever gone out on dates and never saw the person again to avoid potential touching and questions I didn’t want to answer. Questions such as why would I rather be single than a couple with someone? Or why am I so adverse to touching and sharing my space with someone? Well these aren’t easy to answer but are mostly explained by the fact I was sexually abused by my mother as a child and never learned to associate touch with something pleasant. For me, touch was always painful and unwanted. Why subject myself to that voluntarily with someone? It never occurred to me other people might view things differently.

Furthermore, I am not ‘turned on’ by physical appearances so need to be in tune with the person frequency/vibrationally speaking. There have been precious few I’ve met that ‘resonated’ with me. My interests lie in meeting someone with a similar soul, not merely a few common interests and physical attraction. Grant it I do prefer tall men and am somewhat less attracted (superficially anyway) to heavier types. Aside from the height though it is a need for soul recognition. I desire someone who will mirror my soul’s intention and cause me to grow as a person. Essentially I need to be ‘in tune’ or in harmony with the person at a level that is not conscious.

So I guess I prefer my own company to that of anyone who isn’t a ‘match’ for me at a deeper level. I much prefer being on my own to having to negotiate the world with someone I’m only half interested in. Sex is not a driving force for me so I feel that abstinence is preferential to casual ‘hook ups’. When I am with the right person then it will be natural to connect physically but otherwise it feels unnatural to me.

It is important to enjoy one’s own company though and be comfortable with your presence. How can you be happy with someone else if you are not happy on your own first? We have to first love ourselves and be alright on our own before someone can enter our lives and join us. Besides, if we love ourselves first we will attract someone who loves themselves and we won’t be trying to ‘fill’ each other up because we already have what we need. I don’t believe in trying to find someone to give me the love I need. The love I need is inside me. Actually all of us have what we need within us it just isn’t apparent to everyone without a bit of searching.

What fuels your relationships? Do you mind being single or prefer being with someone?

Β©Natalya, 2013.


Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

19 thoughts on “Day 1 of 30 Day Challenge

  1. I always dreamed of being married and I am as you know to the love of my life. It’s a gift but at the same time very hard because I’ve been sexually abused. It’s hard to let anyone close in any way. I know you understand. πŸ™‚ xo

  2. I like being in a relationship, but I was single for many years and was perfectly okay with that too. I’d definitely rather be alone than with the wrong person, that’s for sure. I keep myself entertained, anyway. πŸ™‚

  3. I’m really looking forward to reading your 30-day-challenge posts πŸ™‚
    And I so agree with what you’re saying: You have to be comfortable with yourself first.
    I prefer being alone … it’s safe and I can’t get hurt that way.

    • Thanks! I agree it’s safer to be alone but being vulnerable can open us to finding someone wonderful too. But it has to come when you’re ready for it. πŸ™‚

  4. I am so sorry you have been abused as a child and I can certainly understand how it changed your feelings about intimacy. You are so very right about the fact that we must love ourselves first before trying to love someone else. Lots of good advice here. I hope you do one day find that soul that mirrors yours xx

  5. That was fantastically honest and utterly wonderful, sorry about your trauma as child that’s horrid. I do however love that you embrace who you are.
    Benjamin p

    • Thanks Benjamin. It’s hard to talk about in person but on here it’s easier. My mother made me fear men since I was about 4 then I became an adult and got some therapy realizing not all men are as bad as my mom told me. Thank you for your compassionate response πŸ™‚

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