Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Day 25 of the 30 Day Challenge

9 Comments

Question: Someone who fascinates you and why?

My mother fascinates me. She is no longer living but I am still trying to piece together who she

English: http://dacdirectoresdecine.org.ar/inf...

English: http://dacdirectoresdecine.org.ar/infodac65/legrands.jpg Silvia Legrand and her twin sister Mirtha Legrand in the early 1940s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

was and what made her who she was whilst she was alive. Apparently my mother was very different before she had my twin sister and I. My twin died shortly after birth and I think perhaps that changed her. She used to be more “normal” before she had the twins and lost my sister. From photos I found of her recently I hardly recognized her. It’s like she was a different person and that’s why other people had such different memories of her. I feel like I got the short end of the stick though because I never knew the woman they remember as she “disappeared” by the time I was born.

Maybe it’s coincidence but it is hard not to think something happened to make her so different from who other people remember her as. They knew her before she started loosing her sanity but I am pretty sure she didn’t have much of it when I was born. Her photos of her in her 20s vs her 30s are just very different. Maybe it’s natural for us to look different in our 30s from when we were in our 20s but it just seems dramatic. My older sister remembers her differently from how I do. I used to think I must have missed something but now I am sure it’s because she really was different before she had me.

So I constantly think about what she was like in her earlier life prior to having me and loosing my twin. Would she have been healthier psychologically if she hadn’t lost my twin? Or was her history of abuse from childhood just beginning to make her come unhinged so to speak?

Anyway, my mom fascinates me still even though she’s been dead for nearly 5 years. I feel like if I understand what other people saw in her I won’t feel so crazy for not agreeing with their version of her. People who knew her long before I was born always tell me about how wonderful she was and I couldn’t figure it out. But now I’m beginning to see they had the privilege of knowing someone I never got to know.

Who fascinates you?

©Natalya, 2013.

 

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Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

9 thoughts on “Day 25 of the 30 Day Challenge

  1. I Nominate you for Bouquet of Super Awards – 27 Nominations

    please choose any 3 awards out of the 27
    accept it and oblige

    there are no linkbacks for this award

    http://ajaytao2010.wordpress.com/2013/06/24/bouquet-of-super-awards-27-nominations/

  2. So sad for your mum and you. It sounds like you missed out on getting all sides to her. I suppose you can only wonder if things would have been different!
    Michael Jackson used to fascinate me. Did he abuse boys? Who knows! But he was an easy target as he was different. Hugs Paula xx

  3. This is a really great post. The issues with your mom do sound interesting -in a way that means wondering how she became the person you knew. I’m really sorry you never knew your mother as everyone else seemed to know her. I know she died as an infant, but I’m sorry you lost your twin too. It may have been losing the baby or it may have been something was just triggered inside her around the age you were born that affected her. I sort of managed okay until my early 30s. Then I fell apart. At least, maybe I appeared I was managing… maybe it was like that for your mom, maybe she was able to hold it together until that certain point when she could no longer. Take care! rl

    • Thanks rl 🙂 My counsellor suggested much the same as you did when I talked about it with her. Besides that I realized she may have been “off” before she had me too but my family lives in a state of denial so perhaps they merely ignored any oddness on her part. My family has a way of “whitewashing” away anything abnormal and discussing only the good times. It’s really irksome for me being the only one who doesn’t deny everything when I’m in their company as I usually don’t feel comfortable expressing my dissent.

      • Your comment reminded me of my situation with my mom and her drinking. Everyone outside my very immediate family was shocked to find out my mom had cirrhosis of the liver and ultimately needed a liver transplant to survive. My mom went to work, had her hair and nails done, went shopping, etc. People never saw her drunk!

        She only drank wine at home. During family gatherings with aunts and uncles, etc. our entire family just aren’t big drinkers. We’d drink water or sweet tea. It wasn’t even that my mom was hiding anything. She just did NOT drink 24/7. My dad, sister, brother-in-law and myself were the ones to witness her getting drunk and screaming and yelling and passing out on the couch and falling down. To everyone else, my mom seemed happy and lively and talkative. My aunts, uncles, cousins, my grandma -while she was alive- never saw my mom drunk or hardly ever drinking at all. At my sister’s wedding, my mom didn’t drink a drop because she was so busy running around during the reception talking to folks… ironically, my dad got a bit tipsy! lol

        So, I can see and totally understand how your extended family members can only recall a certain version of your mom. Regarding denial… my dad, even while my mom was near death and on a transplant list, would not call my mom an alcoholic! To him, someone had a drinking problem only if they got fired from work because of it or got DUIs or frequented bars or drank from the time they woke up till they passed out. ????!! Denial is a STRONG coping mechanism.

        Take care!
        rl

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