Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

A Bit Disappointed


My counselling appointment got cancelled for tomorrow as my counsellor is ill. At first I was okay about it but then my dad had to go phone my aunt to check on his mother in-law who’s in a nursing home near my aunt. Well, she couldn’t talk tonight so is calling back tomorrow and I am stressed because I hate talking to family. It’s always the same awkward conversations interspersed with small talk. I hate it and would have benefitted from a pep talk from my counsellor tomorrow but she’s unwell. My appointment got rescheduled but not ’til Tuesday which won’t help me with tomorrow’s phone call. The thing is I just don’t enjoy talking on the phone period. Doesn’t matter who it is I just don’t like it unless I am in the right mood which is not very often. I tend to worry about what to say and how to answer uncomfortable questions-of which there tends to be a few with my family.

So I am not feeling relaxed now in spite of the knowledge worry never does anyone any good. It was only an hour ago I found all this out about my aunt phoning tomorrow so I haven’t had much time to settle myself. You’d think by now I’d be better at handling family conversations but I always end up anxious to some degree. Even if I am reasonably relaxed there is always a tiny amount of anxiety lurking when family is involved. This means I’m not staying present and am thinking too much about the future that hasn’t happened yet. Mindfulness is helpful because then I know whether or not I am staying in the moment or mentally checked out thinking about the future. It helps if I can take a few deep breaths to re-oxygenate my brain after I have gone into anxiety/future mode so I can return to my surroundings.

The other thing about my anxiety is it means I am attaching value to someone else’s opinion of me. If I was totally okay with myself I would not be somewhat worried what my aunt might think when she finds out I am still unemployed and am not doing anything productive. Yes, I am usually helping my dad as well as doing the housekeeping; I even have several online shops I make designs for that I could potentially earn some money from (not much though). But these are things I have not yet accepted myself as being 100% valid so I fret about what my family will think of me. I so hate worrying about what my family thinks.

This is a challenging time of year too because students have returned to classes and I am not in any academic programmes currently. So I struggle with feeling like I am okay the way I am. If I am busy all the time doing housework I sometimes feel like that makes up for my unemployed status and not being enrolled in anything. But I don’t have the same motivation to houseclean all the time like I did in the Spring because there isn’t as much junk to clean like there was then.

Ultimately, I know the answer to my anxiety is staying in the moment and trying to become more accepting of myself regardless of what I’m doing. But it isn’t easy so I need to write what’s on my mind at times like this. It sort of helps me get a bit of perspective like I get in my counselling sessions. I’ll be alright.

ยฉNatalya, 2013.


Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

8 thoughts on “A Bit Disappointed

  1. I used to be a psych nurse and I will suggest you go into therapy. Many people suffer from social anxiety. Good Luck. You a valuable child of the universe. Hugs, barbara

    • Thanks Barbara. I have been in therapy for well over a decade. Compared to where I started I am much better. It’s not social anxiety as much as familial dread (dreading family involvement). I do have social anxiety to a degree but it’s something that waxes and wanes depending on circumstances.

      • Good luck and I know you can kick this. Hugs, barbara

      • Natalya, it’s a difficult thing to kick your own expectations of yourself. You are doing all you can at present and no one, not even yourself should judge you harshly for that. My son would be more colourful and tell me to tell whoever was making me feel like shit “to go F#%K themselves”.
        I’ll be sending loving thoughts and support for your phone call.
        Be gentle with yourself. Your main aim is to get well, not worry about expectations you know you cannot meet right now. The time for that will come soon.
        I have faith in you.
        Be gentle with yourself.
        Susan ๐Ÿ˜ฎโค

      • Thank you so much, Susan! I really appreciate your kind words and support ๐Ÿ™‚ Your son sounds like someone I know, LOL (a woman though).

  2. Lots of great insights!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Self awareness!! I’m really sorry your T isn’t feeling well. That really really sucks! My T just returned from a 2 week vacation.

    ๐Ÿ˜ก *confiscates his passport*

    Do you have to take the call tomorrow? I hate talking on the phone too.

    *confiscates your phone so you won’t be able to take any calls* ๐Ÿ˜€

    Take care,

    • Lol, I am quite self-aware but not always able to fix the issue! ๐Ÿ˜›

      Haha, therapists need their vacations! Regular self-care is the most important thing but vacations recharge one’s batteries. A two week vacation isn’t so bad. Some get to take month long vacations. Those suck. I don’t enjoy missing a whole month of therapy even if I only go bi-weekly.

      Well, I don’t have to answer but I don’t like having my dad talk about me to my aunt either which is what happens normally. Guess I’ll have to wait and see.

      Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

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