Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Grandmother Died Today

33 Comments

Well my grandmother died earlier today (Saturday). I don’t feel much of anything at the moment. We weren’t close and I didn’t exactly love her so I’m not sure if I “should” feel anything now or not. She took a stroke a week ago in the nursing home she was in and couldn’t swallow afterward. As she also had dementia and was in a very poor state no food or water was pushed on her. Thus; it was a matter of waiting ’til she died “naturally”.

There will be a small service for the benefit of my aunts and dad who had an attachment to her. Personally, I never was able to form loving feelings for her because my mother had always told me about her when I was growing up in a very negative light. She had abused her children severely and I just couldn’t develop the warm feelings one does for their grandparents typically. The maternal grandfather was a pedophile so I didn’t think much of him either. Mom kept my sister and I away from her parents when we were growing up because she never forgave them. So not meeting my grandmother until an adult it was harder to form loving feelings for her.

I’m not sure there is any merit to my attending her funeral service given I’ll have to see family there I prefer to avoid. Is it really beneficial to attend a funeral service when I don’t feel anything for the deceased? Granted it is “proper” and “expected” one attend their grandparent’s funeral if able to but “proper” and “expected” are in the realm of inauthentic ย and I try to be authentic. So, what to do? Hmmm. I know I will just have to meditate on the dilemma and see what comes to me that way.

How do you deal with death of family members you don’t love?

ยฉNatalya, 2013.

 

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Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

33 thoughts on “Grandmother Died Today

  1. I know the feeling. Condolences. Let it pass…

  2. You have my condolences. I am a survivor of childhood abuse. I am going to say, pray in gratitude for your survival. Being authentic is what you need to begin. Be real and honest with yourself. I will add you to my prayer list. In harmony, Barbara

  3. My dad’s mother is still alive and when she passes away, I will not be attending her funeral. I am sure that there will be lifted eye brows, but I have little to nothing to do with my family, so I don’t care. They can think of me what they will, because I am comfortable with my decision.

    • Good for you! I hope I can make the right decision for ME….

      • That is what’s important here. It isn’t like it isn’t going to harm anyone if you decide that you need to not attend. It might make them uncomfortable, but discomfort is different from real harm.

        I feel that I need to keep in mind what the long term repercussions would be for me to take a certain action and weigh that against whatever it might cost other people. High long term cost to me and low to other people is a no brainer, as is low cost to me and high cost to others. Other combinations as less easy to parse out, however one person’s well being generally is going to trump another’s comfort, even if the other person thinks that their comfort is the be all and end all. When there is so much pressure to keep up appearances, in my experience, that’s about maintaining comfort, not well being.

        Good luck as you figure your way through all of this. Just remember, you are worth having your well being protected…

      • Thank you so much. I totally agree with your conclusions regarding comfort vs. wellbeing.

  4. Take care of you, if you’re not comfortable going then don’t. You don’t have to people please. I likely won’t be going to my families funerals. Oh boy I hope this didn’t sound to cold. xo

  5. I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Don’t force yourself to feel anything just because you “have” to – having experienced child abuse I just think a part of you becomes numb to the person who did it.

    All I guess we can hope for is making the best decision for yourself. So take care of yourself. That’s all you have to do =)

    • Thanks so much Zarmeenk. That is nice to hear and perhaps you’re right about being numb. I’m not numb to anything else though but I never felt anything for my grandmother as it is. Now I am just sorry things weren’t better. Guess there’s a little bit of regret or sadness over how she lived her life and impacted others.

  6. I have one half of my family whom I do not really consider “family” and as cruel as it sounds (I’d never really thought about it) I probably wouldn’t go to their funerals either. I guess you just have to examine your reasoning and if you don’t feel the need to go then don’t. There are funerals all the time of people we don’t know, so we don’t go. It’s sort of the same at the end of the day, isn’t it?

    • Thanks Aussa. I’m sorry you have family you don’t love either. I meditated for 30 min. and my intuition or higher self told me not to attend. So that settles it for me ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. I really don’t think you’re required to feel anything or go to the funeral of someone you weren’t close to, and worse, have negative feelings for. I sometimes just skip funerals because I find them to be too sad and upsetting, anyway, so you can always just use that excuse. Just say you can’t handle it emotionally, which is probably true.

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