Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Self Awareness Or Lack Thereof

6 Comments

My parents both lack(ed) self awareness and insight into themselves. Now that my mother is dead I get to hear things my

self-awareness through habitual self-reflection.

self-awareness through habitual self-reflection. (Photo credit: m.a.x)

mother said repeated by my dad who worshipped her. Apparently, when my mother was in the last stage of her life with Alzheimer’s, she said she had never hurt anyone and didn’t understand why she was suffering. Now I am not going to speculate on what brought the Alzheimer’s on but I do know she also claimed something similar when she was more lucid. My mother hurt me loads of times, as well as my sister and my dad but she never recognized those things. Which leads me to query how someone can be that blissfully ignorant of their own a/effects on others?

I’m certain my mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder so it could be the personality disorder that robbed her self awareness. But whatever it was  it meant my mom could be mean spirited and not recognize it. As some may already know if you’ve read my other posts, my mother abused me as a child. So clearly she was not someone who had never hurt anybody in her life. Often she hurt my dad but my dad was so beaten down by his father that he never even saw my mother’s behaviour as abusive. Even now he keeps her enshrined in his memory. His father is similarly praised in spite of the hurtful things he said to my dad all his life. Does it change anything just because one can’t see they’re being abused?

If you think it’s okay to do a particular thing but others are hurt by it then is it still okay? I don’t think so. Of course it depends on what we’re talking about but by and large it’s wrong to do anything that results in someone else’s pain. Mom never went to therapy so didn’t get the help she needed. This resulted in my sister and I being raised by a very dysfunctional woman. None of this stopped her from viewing herself as a celebrity and star however. In her mind she was special and others were just sad sacks. As a child she would tell me she was pretty much a genius and I would never be able to compare to her superior status. You may imagine this resulted in my self esteem being weakened. To this day I feel that I am never intelligent enough and always lacking. She also claimed to have superior physical prowess which didn’t exactly help me any either self esteem wise.

It’s kind of late here and I have an appointment tomorrow morning with my employment counsellor. It’s a six month follow up since I decided the employment counselling wasn’t helping me any. So I will end here even though it’s kind of unfinished-my post. Sorry for that.

©Natalya, 2013.

 

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Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

6 thoughts on “Self Awareness Or Lack Thereof

  1. Natalya, thank you for sharing with such honesty. I think many of us, even those who were not abused as you describe, have had times when one or both of our parents hurt us deeply without their even realizing it. It sobers me to consider that I have doubtless done the same (without intending to) with my sons. The crucial difference, as you point out, is to be aware of it, to seek forgiveness and try to heal the hurts. When people are insensitive to the pain they cause, it makes things so much more difficult. I hope you are able to get through the grief and trauma of having been hurt by one who was entrusted with your care. I pray that your resolve to end the destructive cycle will enable you to move forward into happiness and healing!

  2. I was also abused by my mother. It started at three and the last she hit me I was in my fifties. I swore to her if it happened again I would have her locked up. I had stayed away for twenty some years. She next to my daughter in the end. Then I had to see her again. She died and the story is ended except for the nuerologic problems it left. You will find your way out. Hugs, Barbara

  3. My parents lack self-awareness as well. Their relationship dynamic is similar to how you described your parents’. My mom was always abuse and my dad always took the abuse. But, he sticks up for her and always has. My mom is overly controlling & demands things be done her way. But she doesn’t see this. She’s always seen herself as a meek, mild-mannered person who everyone else takes advantage of and uses. She’s unlike your mom in that she never had any self esteem. She felt because we were her children we couldn’t possibly be as good as other women’s children. So, she tore down my sense of self in a slightly different way. She does admit to that and realizes it was wrong, which is nice. But she doesn’t understand and will never comprehend how much it damaged me!!!

    Sad how much they hurt us 😦

    *thinking of you*
    rl

    • Thanks rl! I am sorry your parents were also terrible at their jobs! Mom’s self esteem couldn’t have been high either or she wouldn’t have had to develop a Narcissistic personality to compensate for feelings of inadequacy (covered up by appearing superior).

      How are you?

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