Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

This & That


Well it’s been too long since I’ve updated my blog I fear but hopefully you’ll forgive me. I have not been especially busy apart from wondering what I’m doing at times. Mainly I read silly novels and distract myself from the onslaught of emotions I stirred up after my minimalism cleaning spree in June. It seems I must have dislodged some emotions or some such thing because I feel ever since my clean up I have retreated into the decidedly preferable world of characters in novels. Not only the cleaning though has caused this retreat from the everyday; no, my dad’s sister has Alzheimer’s and he went to visit her. Apparently she’s worse than predicted and my uncle wanted me to attend to my aunt’s care whilst she waits to go into a nursing home. Well I am not a caregiver sort so the idea didn’t appeal to me in the least especially as my aunt is aggressive like my mom was before she died from Alzheimer’s related complications.

Anyhow, I had to deal with my own very strict Superego and felt no end to my guilt for nearly a month. My therapist did manage to elevate me from my guilt ridden state but only after I’d already fled reality for the imaginary world of novel characters. Only now am I losing my taste for reading frivolous novels and returning to some state of reality again. I do not know how long it will last for. I suspect until my dad visits my aunt again and tells me how much my uncle would appreciate me giving my help (I expect there would be no money paid to me but I wouldn’t want to do it even if monetary reward was involved). Honestly, I’ve been burned out from my mother’s experience with Alzheimer’s and couldn’t abide by putting myself in the position of the martyr caring for someone I didn’t have a close relationship with again. Although I doubtless sound cold and unfeeling for not flocking to my aunt’s proverbial bedside I don’t feel particularly cold or unfeeling, at least not since my therapist convinced me otherwise. 

It was only within the last week or so I made the connection between the guilt and stress I felt from being asked to be a caregiver to my aunt that I realised why I’d stopped doing much else besides reading novels. Suffice it to say I found the novels holding less appeal once my reasons were made conscious to me. Perhaps I can finally persuade myself to go out again and be amongst people. Not that I favour crowds but I do miss taking in the sights during tourist season and wish for a change of scenery beyond the grocery store aisles and the office of my shrink. Besides I told my therapist I’d make an effort to take part in something that gets me outside my home. Guess I’ll ‘sign off’ for now.


©Natalya, Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2014.



Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

7 thoughts on “This & That

  1. I understand your reservations concerning your aunt’s situation, and can sympathise. From what you say here, it very much sounds as though she is now in need of specialist care whilst she passes through the aggressive phase of her disease.

    I know from personal experience that caring for someone in this situation is both highly challenging and energy draining, and one must be in a position to absorb those effects if one is actually to provide any level of care – good intentions are not enough.

    Wishing you all the best Natalya.


    • Thanks Hariod. Fortunately she’s a 2.5 hour drive from my home so I at least have the physical distance on my side. I’m sorry to hear you’ve personal experience too with the disease. It’s truly terrible what it does to people.

  2. Good heavens, I wouldn’t bother feeling guilty about that at all. If that’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. They should hire someone professional in any case. Sheesh!

    • Thanks Jenny 🙂 I don’t feel too guilty now but did for quite a while. My aunt is aggressive so my uncle figured she might be more agreeable around a family member taking care of her than a hired person. But he’ll just have to hire someone because I can’t do it and keep my sanity too 😛

  3. Very simple Natalya, not your job and they need to seek professional care. This isn’t cold hearted, it is for your aunt’s well being. Do not under any circumstances be drawn into this, do not feel guilty.

  4. Good and healing thoughts to you.


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