Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Confused and Uncertain


question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…


Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.


As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.



He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.


You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.


What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.



Author: Natalya

Blogging my thoughts and feelings about mostly mental health, meditation and spirituality(non religious). Hoping to connect with other interesting people in the blogosphere. *The name is Russian and is my pseudonym.

5 thoughts on “Confused and Uncertain

  1. Natalya my dad held a lot of biterness against his parents and sibs! All of that affected his out look on life and the way he treated my mom and us kids. He led a sad and miserable existence. Pity because he was a most talented man. He sang with The New York Met. and waxss very talented in his artwork. I know you love you love your dad. Your trying to do all you can to get him some answers and peace of mind. In the mean time I hope you will find and do things that make “you” happy.

    • Thanks so much Bridget! I’m sorry your dad went through similar emotions as mine. I’ll do my best to stay centered and thus capable of being able to show my dad another way of being in the world.

  2. Wow, adult chicken pox? You poor thing! That sounds really alarming. I’m glad you’re feeling better now. It’s bad enough as a kid! 😦

    I feel for you with your dad’s issues, but I do think that’s really his problem to deal with, not yours. And I wouldn’t think you’d need a psychic to answer his question. Isn’t there a lawyer who dealt with making and processing the will in the first place? That would be the person to call, and simply ask if your father was in it or not. Seems pretty straightforward to me. It doesn’t matter what she verbally promised him, if there was a legally binding will to deal with her estate, they would have to go by that.

    Unless your dad has written confirmation of that promise of some kind (if it even happened), then legally he’s just out of luck. Sounds to me like he needs to consult a therapist, although I’m sure he probably won’t. But try not to take that burden on yourself, because you already have enough of your own.

    I do think some volunteering might do you good just to get you out of the house again and give you a sense of purpose. It should be something that you think is enjoyable, though. If you like animals, maybe an animal shelter? That could be fun. I really hope you find something that rekindles your enjoyment in life, because I know what a bummer that can be.

    Hang in there, sweetie, I’ll be rooting for you! Keep us posted! ❤

    • Thank you, Jenny 🙂 I don’t know who the lawyer was who did up the will for my aunt. Pretty sure if he was in it than he’d have been contacted already. Unfortunately, it’s possible he was in it but the will was changed once my aunt was unable to consent due to her health status. Not really sure. There are some strained relations in the family.
      My dad is super paranoid though and suspicious of people and their motives so I never know what to believe from him. It makes it difficult for me as I’d like to be on his side but he refuses to see any good in people unless it’s his parents or my mom (who are all dead now). Sadly, I think my dad is out of luck regarding any type of inheritance. He thinks everyone wants to take something away from him and has pretty distorted beliefs about people and their intentions.
      I’ll give some consideration to volunteering my time because it would be nice to feel like I’m helping a cause I care about. Plus, as you say, it would get me out of my house. Thank you for the encouragement and support 🙂

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