Let me see how can I describe myself to you so you’ll have an idea of ‘who’ I am? That’s not an easy task! Maybe I could tell you the standard information about where I live, my name, the facts-but if I was going to do that I wouldn’t be using a pseudonym to remain anonymous. However, I will tell you that I’m a 30 year old Canadian struggling to find my place in this world. My life hasn’t been very smooth so far, I’ve been mentally ill for a good portion of it; only now am I beginning to truly get better. There are more than a few illnesses I can lay claim to: adjustment disorder,anxiety,Avoidant Personality Disorder,Borderline Personality Disorder (incorrectly labeled as such),depression, dissociation,eating disorders,panic attacks,PTSD,Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD),schizoid personality disorder, and social anxiety. But I am NOT those labels or to be summed up in a tidy diagnosis. In fact the BPD was rejected later and the schizoid personality label didn’t stick either.
You see, I’ve overcome a lot in my 30 years on this earth. Immediate family members have died on me, as have others, loss and tragedy followed me around for a number of years like a bad odour. No one saw my suffering behind my smile because I dissociated so much to escape unpleasantness that it didn’t register. Laughter hid my pain and people either bought it or didn’t bother to try going deeper to reach me. I gave up on life feeling a gaping void in my heart and mind where meaning should have been.
Religion was never ‘my thing’, a born atheist I rejected “God” at 7 officially (in my head) refusing to be told ‘lies’ about how ‘it all began’. It would be years before I even let myself consider being an agnostic. Buddhism flitted in and out of consciousness from 14 onward but never settled in until my mid 20s. I was never confirmed or baptized or anything like that, never attended church as a child or teenager and generally felt scorn for religion and religious people alike. I believed in Marx’s famous quote “religion is the opiate of the masses“. I wasn’t going to dull my senses to feel false happiness. Too bad dissociation was already doing it for me-sans the happiness.
Fast forward to 2007 where I met a remarkable person destined to change my life forever. Yes, I love him. I think about how he helped me everyday since meeting him even after he’d left. If I tell you he was my therapist I hope you don’t judge me or believe it to be nothing more than transference. Does one have a complete shift in consciousness for transference? He changed my perspective on life and gave me tools to cope with pain beyond the bottle of Aspirin I’d overdosed on so many times before. I don’t know where he’s at but I feel gratitude in my heart for meeting him.
My quest these days is to be healthy not recover, as I never had a sense of being healthy to begin with. This blog lets me get my thoughts out and hopefully even help someone else if I’m lucky. I’ve only just started blogging at the end of July but already I’m ‘hooked’. It’s especially gratifying for me when someone tells me they can relate to something I’ve written about and thus feel less alone, or I bring more awareness to a topic. Just knowing there are other people willing to reach out through the blogosphere and connect with each other never having met is pretty cool in my opinion.
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