Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have

Me In a Nutshell

Let me see how can I describe myself to you so you’ll have an idea of ‘who’ I am? That’s not an easy task! Maybe I could tell you the standard information about where I live, my name, the facts-but if I was going to do that I wouldn’t be using a pseudonym to remain anonymous. However, I will tell you that I’m a 30 year old Canadian struggling to find my place in this world. My life hasn’t been very smooth so far, I’ve been mentally ill for a good portion of it; only now am I beginning to truly get better. There are more than a few illnesses I can lay claim to: adjustment disorder,anxiety,Avoidant Personality Disorder,Borderline Personality Disorder (incorrectly labeled as such),depression, dissociation,eating disorders,panic attacks,PTSD,Seasonal Affective Disorder(SAD),schizoid personality disorder, and social anxiety. But I am NOT those labels or to be summed up in a tidy diagnosis. In fact the BPD was rejected later and the schizoid personality label didn’t stick either.

You see, I’ve overcome a lot in my 30 years on this earth. Immediate family members have died on me, as have others, loss and tragedy followed me around for a number of years like a bad odour. No one saw my suffering behind my smile because I dissociated so much to escape unpleasantness that it didn’t register. Laughter hid my pain and people either bought it or didn’t bother to try going deeper to reach me. I gave up on life feeling a gaping void in my heart and mind where meaning should have been.

Religion was never ‘my thing’, a born atheist I rejected “God” at 7 officially (in my head) refusing to be told ‘lies’ about how ‘it all began’. It would be years before I even let myself consider being an agnostic. Buddhism flitted in and out of consciousness from 14 onward but never settled in until my mid 20s. I was never confirmed or baptized or anything like that, never attended church as a child or teenager and generally felt scorn for religion and religious people alike. I believed in Marx’s famous quote “religion is the opiate of the masses“. I wasn’t going to dull my senses to feel false happiness. Too bad dissociation was already doing it for me-sans the happiness.

Fast forward to 2007 where I met a remarkable person destined to change my life forever. Yes, I love him. I think about how he helped me everyday since meeting him even after he’d left. If I tell you he was my therapist I hope you don’t judge me or believe it to be nothing more than transference. Does one have a complete shift in consciousness for transference? He changed my perspective on life and gave me tools to cope with pain beyond the bottle of Aspirin I’d overdosed on so many times before. I don’t know where he’s at but I feel gratitude in my heart for meeting him.

My quest these days is to be healthy not recover, as I never had a sense of being healthy to begin with. This blog lets me get my thoughts out and hopefully even help someone else if I’m lucky. I’ve only just started blogging at the end of July but already I’m ‘hooked’. It’s especially gratifying for me when someone tells me they can relate to something I’ve written about and thus feel less alone, or I bring more awareness to a topic. Just knowing there are other people willing to reach out through the blogosphere and connect with each other never having met is pretty cool in my opinion.

Please come back again and follow my blog if you like it. Thanks πŸ™‚

My other blog I keep:Β http://findinghealthafterillness.wordpress.com/Β also, I have another blog for photos atΒ http://inspirationalpictures.wordpress.com/

Add me as a friend on facebook:Β http://www.facebook.com/natalya.lyubov.1

Β©Natalya and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Natalya and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

35 thoughts on “Me In a Nutshell

  1. I can really relate to the struggles you touched on here, and the ways which you learnt to cope while you were growing up.

    It’s great that you’ve found blogging to be helpful. I’m really enjoying your posts & am looking forward to keep on reading πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much πŸ™‚

      Reading other people’s blogs also helps me because I stop thinking I’m the only one with ‘issues’. I can even offer other bloggers information or support at times. It’s been rewarding to be able to blog my experiences and read other people’s too. It gives me a sense of gratitude for what I have. Okay enough mushy sentiment! Thanks for stopping by πŸ˜‰

  2. “But I am NOT those labels.”

    I love that, and I refuse to BE my labels too. I’m looking forward to following your blog. πŸ™‚

  3. What a wise, wonderful and honest blog this is! Congratulations on moving towards claiming ‘healthy’ as your own. I wish you peace, joy and love. You’re a beautiful writer, and I look forward to reading more. Bless xx

  4. Hey I am a newbie too, the post that you Blog, I believe you are a wisdom person, cheers !

  5. Thank you for courageously sharing your story with us. God Bless!

  6. You had me with that post of the politician as a Borg. Love finding new blogs to follow.

  7. I thought I was already following you Natalya, so sorry that I wasn’t.
    I like your thoughts above, I can identify with many of them.
    Looking forward to reading more about you and your travels.
    Elyn xox

  8. I to have to admit with Elyn i thought you were on my list but suprise you were not, I fixed that. Our blogs have the same birthday i thought that to be fantastic, im silly i know, but its the small pleasures right? I find your plight most heart felt. and will return often to share in your journey, Much love and light to you.
    Always, Benjamin

  9. Natalya, I am honored to have read these words. They speak to my heart. Thank you.

  10. Hi Natalya, Great to have found your blog, we have many things in common concerning mental health. I too have had a weird and not so wonderful journey but I cannot shake free of it and still have many issues. I will continue trying to find my way though. Good luck for the future Natalya and my best regards, James πŸ™‚

    PS Look forward to future conversation πŸ™‚

    • Thanks James πŸ™‚ I’m sorry to hear you’ve had your own mental health concerns-they’re rarely pleasant 😦 Thanks for commenting πŸ˜€

  11. Wow. You’ve been through so much. I appreciate your open heart and willingness to be open and sincere. When I started blogging last August, I thought I was the only one sharing such deep workings. I soon discovered there’s a huge community of people who are doing the same thing. It’s beautiful and extremely healing to share our lives. Here’s to continuing the journey…

    • Thank you, that means a lot. I realized that as well (pleasantly). What a community of bloggers we have here on WP! It’s the first place I’ve found so many genuinely open and sincere people. It helps we can blog anonymously but lots use their ‘real’ name too. The internet is great for bringing like minded souls together I’ve found πŸ™‚

  12. Natalya, thank you for following my blog. In addition to writing and blogging, may you continue to be led to people, places, situations and other tools and resources that will help you in your healing journey. Much Blessings, Peace & Joy, Love & Light, Namaste…β™₯β™₯β™₯Nadine Marieβ™₯β™₯β™₯

  13. Dear Natalya,

    Congratulations!

    I have nominated your blog for the Shine On Award.

    More about this nomination is at

    http://dearkitty1.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/shine-on-award-thanks-oasien-and-tazein/

  14. Natalya I do hope you did find the peace in your own mind and shall be able to use what you might call your ‘bad experiences’ to help others.

    About your believes in this earth and the well or not being a Creator I do hope you shall start finding the Hand between everything around you. Perhaps you shall find out that there is a God who works in mysterious ways.

    I took you on my Bloggers For Peace list, in the hope people shall be able to find some inspiration in your writings.

    God luck in life and God bless you.

  15. I’m a fan of simple, thoughtful and real. Your posts reflect all three. Thank you!

  16. The more things I read on your blog, the more I can relate with you πŸ™‚ I grew up as an atheist, too, because I was lucky enough that my parents didn’t make any of us attend church. I think I was probably around 7 or 8 when I was lying in bed praying to God one night when I asked myself, “What the hell are you doing? Why are you praying when you don’t believe in any of this?” From that point on, I didn’t pretend to believe in anything anymore. I’m undergoing a spiritual awakening now, though, and am trying to find my way in life, so it’s good to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your experiences and for being genuine and honest. I absolutely love your blog already!

    • Thank you so much for your thoughtful words! I am most appreciative for your compliments too πŸ˜€ Glad to know I’m not the only one either(regarding atheism and becoming more spiritual later) so thank you for that as well! πŸ™‚

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