Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

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He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Happy New Year (2017)!

It’s a new year so I just thought I’d say “Happy New Year!”. My New Year’s eve and day 8f7583da32895b7d2f518cc75398b72cwere totally uneventful. I stayed in and simply cleared out clutter and cleaned. No parties for me. Not my style. At least I finally got around to some of the clutter I had around that needed tossing (I donate it because although it is clutter to me it is still good stuff and usable). Some might try to make a dollar or two clearing their clutter and I see value in that but I appreciate the immediate gratification of moving the items directly after finishing. It satisfies me more to know I have both accomplished something and done a small bit of good in donating my things I no longer enjoy but someone else may.

This year I have decided to try my best to be totally honest with the people I meet. Thatmask-1503440 doesn’t mean I vomit my secrets on everyone I see but I want to avoid trying to be anyone besides who I really am. Online here is the only exception. But the exception is only with respect to my name, everything else is true. In my ‘real life’ I wish to be open with people in an authentic manner and be just myself. For too long I have tried to be what others (family, people I know, the larger culture around me, etc.) have wanted but it didn’t make me happy. So I decided to make an effort to change that. If people don’t like me then it’s not the end of the world. But it is better than pretending to be someone I am not and feeling like my true self is unworthy. The important thing is I like who I am. That hasn’t always been easy so it’s a big step for me to attempt showing my true self. It means I have to really accept myself completely or else I will always be tempted to present the side of me I think others want/expect.

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As far as I’m concerned one need not be unkind when honest so I will do my best to honour that knowledge. Although it may be hard to hear the truth, as long as it is delivered with the intent to be kind or authentic then I believe it’s okay. Simply giving one’s opinion is not truth though so it’s important to remind one’s self of that if it seems like the same thing (one’s opinion ≠ truth). Some family members of mine, I believe, would probably state their opinions like the truth and think of them as fact; still, that doesn’t make them that.

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Well, that’s more than I’ve written in awhile so I feel pleased with myself.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Happy New Year!

Okay, so I am late for the Western world but the lunar new year is February 8th so I am technically on time for that anyway! lol It’s the year of the monkey.

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2016 arrived, for me, with little to report as I have been in some weird state of lethargy that left no energy for grand New Year plans. Due to the fact I hardly ever leave my house I find anytime I do go out I end up catching something. Thus, for the past month I have had an annoying bout of allergic rhinitis and sinusitis, as well as some flu like symptoms in spite of getting the ‘flu shot’.

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I want to hibernate all winter like a bat.

In short, I have had no energy. Oh sure, I went out a few times (not to do groceries!) and managed to avoid sinking from Seasonal Affective Disorder into a clinical depression; but beyond that I feel as though I have done very little. My counsellor has been ‘missing in action’ since she left for some type of emergency back in July (not sure of the specifics obviously). The point is I have not seen her since the end of May 2015 (my last appointment) and think I am doing alright. It’s just the winter lack of daylight draining me along with my seeming penchant for catching colds/sinus problems every time I venture outdoors.

All I want is enough energy to do my laundry regularly and keep my home looking half-way decent. Surely, that is not too tall an order. Now that my ear and jaw are feeling less painful (sinus related) I have found a bit of energy returning to me. For awhile I wanted to pop Advil regularly but decided against it since one develops a tolerance to drugs that way.

Fortunately I don’t take it often, as I heard in the medical news regular long-term use of NSAIDs (non steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) can lead to Alzheimer’s. Before 2010 the medical community thought it prevented or protected against Alzheimer’s. Good thing I only ever overdosed on Aspirin and Tylenol! Sorry bad joke. I last tried to commit suicide in November 2000 using Aspirin on two attempts and Tylenol on the other one. I have to wonder though about my mom because she took NSAIDs regularly for many years for arthritis and developed Alzheimer’s. She died at age 60. The only positive I read about the connection between NSAIDs and Alzheimer’s was there was some speculation it might stave off the worse symptoms of the disease for longer than would be the case without NSAIDs.

But none of this matters now because we never did an autopsy on my mom’s brain after her death. We felt she’d been through enough and never liked doctors much so decided against any postmortem; so we’ll never know if her brain could have revealed any clues or not. I like to think the NSAIDs gave her a few extra years before the worst of her symptoms set in. Either that or it was a contributing factor in her developing the disease.

©Natalya for Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2016.

 

 


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Black Friday or Buy Nothing Day?

Which one did you take part in today if you live in North America? Canada used to be free from the Black Friday madness until a few years ago; now we’re almost as bad as the U.S. with sales on everything you can think of. I don’t think a lot of it is really a savings but more of a way to lure people into stores to spend money.

By virtue of the fact I didn’t go out today I guess I could claim I celebrated Buy Nothing Day but that’s not true. I hardly ever go out anyway so me not going out for Black Friday sales is not me being political but apathetic. Most of the shopping I do is online because I can find deals better on the internet than I can going all over my local city. It’s not always a sure thing when ordering clothing or footwear but those are chances I’m willing to take for the convenience. At least I don’t have to stand in line-ups or get lost in crowds of people.

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One of the advertisements I got in my inbox for Black Friday.

So did you go shopping today and take part in the Black Friday madness? Or did you make a conscious decision to avoid buying anything for today? If you don’t live in North America my apologies for my content not making much sense for where you’re living.

©Natalya for Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2015.


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Happy Canada Day! & A Bit of Rambling

Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians. What am I doing to celebrate my country’s birthday? Well nothing unless you consider sitting in front of your computer on WordPress celebrating! LOL Guess my patriotism doesn’t get too stoked about these holidays. July 4th is a big deal in the U.S. but July 1st in Canada is a bit more subdued 😛

I haven’t been on here much so apologise for missing your posts. It’s really warm and humid today so I haven’t got much energy unfortunately so this post is likely to be slightly scattered like my brain at the moment. Humidity and heat really aren’t my friends. I take two antidepressants and both cause me to perspire more and be more sensitive to the sun/heat. Thus I am not loving summer so far even though I would likely be told I’m nuts because it’s cold the other three seasons and ought to enjoy it. Oh well.

Okay, I’m not thinking straight now so am going to contemplate the merits of putting my head in the freezer to cool off.

 


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Happy New Year! 2014

Happy New Year everyone following the Western (Gregorian) calendar. I hope everybody has their best year yet in 2014! I think the “new” year is a great time to set goals for yourself. For me, I have decided to continue with the concept I tried last year, which was to pick one word for the year and follow it; last year’s word for me was “action” but this year I have decided to go with “letting go” which is two words but one concept or action so I’m using it. Letting go is a great word or concept for me to follow this year because I have been letting go of many things and wish to continue along that vein.

Last year I cleaned out a lot of clutter and managed to make a lot of inroads regarding my mental health. Action being my word for last year it made sense to get rid of lots of clutter and clean areas of my home that hadn’t been cleaned, in some cases, for years or decades. The clutter belonged primarily to my parents because it’s their home (my dad’s now because mom is dead), so I was dealing with negotiating with my dad to persuade him to allow me to throw things out. It took me months to do what could have been done in weeks but I had to tread carefully so my dad wouldn’t tell me to stop with the clutter clearing. It came at a good time too because my grandmother needed to go into a nursing home last year and we ended up getting a lot of her furniture. If I hadn’t cleared out as much clutter as I had we never would have been able to take anything.

This year I hope to be able to “let go” or release anything that is holding me back from becoming myself in a fully realized way. My intention is to be fully actualized I guess you could say like in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I know I can be me fully when I let go of my desire to be anyone other than myself. Trying to fit a pre-made mold just hasn’t worked for me except to make me miserable. So I vow to let go or release myself from the notion I must be what society says is correct or normal and just let myself be me and nobody else. I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not so why should I be miserable and waste my life being anyone else? I am exactly how I should be for me. “Fitting in” has never worked for me anyhow!

Letting go for me also means accepting that not everyone will be happy with me. It’s like when you set a boundary and people realise they can’t take advantage of you anymore they might criticise you but that’s their problem! I would rather let go of my desire to have everyone like me and stay true to myself because your self-esteem will not increase if you allow people to use you. The more you stand firm in your beliefs and values the easier it is to continue that way because you send an unconscious message to your brain that says you matter. I value who I am so I will not tolerate certain treatment I used to when I believed my worth was very low. That was painful and I never experienced joy from allowing myself to believe I didn’t matter or have value. We must learn to accept who we are so we can have healthy self-esteem.

What are your New Year’s resolutions? Or do you have a word of the year like me? Or maybe you don’t make resolutions at all or you are on a different calendar and your new year has passed already!

©Natalya Lyubov, 2013.


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Feeling Grumpy

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while or been reading your blogs much, I’ve been tired from my sinuses I think. Today I feel grumpy and generally it’s my sinuses that do that to me. PMS is already past so it’s not that. I’ve got things to do but don’t seem to have the energy. Maybe it’s S.A.D. coming on me now that it gets dark here shortly after 5 pm. My mood has not been low but I have noticed some irritability in myself since turning the clocks back over a week ago. I really dislike this time of year. Despite my best intentions for learning to enjoy winter it’s difficult when it causes one to suffer in mood. Guess I’ll have to try my light therapy.

Anyone else noticing S.A.D. symptoms coming on lately too?

©Natalya, 2013.