Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

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He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Book Recommendation: Life after near Death

Buy the book here: Amazon.co.uk  or here: Amazon.ca

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I don’t know much German so Google translated the phrase out of curiosity. It translates literally as “Quick flees the time was ready” which I think may be better stated as “our time goes too quickly” or perhaps “Times flies before we are ready”. Sorry for the poor translation.

As a NDE (near death experiencer) this book is invaluable. I finally feel like there are answers to the questions I have had ever since my NDE in late 2000. The author has had her own NDE and interviews others including their experiences in her book. She comes from a research background so it’s not a book filled with ‘New Age’ concepts as much as personal stories and evidence based research (but don’t worry it is far from dry or tedious).

The book came out earlier this year and I just found it at my local library. It has given me a sense of peace knowing I am not alone in what I experienced and the after effects of the NDE. I even found myself thinking “aha! so that’s WHY I do/feel like that” and just generally feeling less crazy. Best of all is finding out about how all people who’ve had a NDE have muddy brown/black and white in their aura representing the trauma and shift in consciousness following the NDE. A friend able to see/read auras told me (before I found this book) I had a the black and white colours in my aura as described in the book. It really helped me feel better knowing everyone has that aura if they’ve had a NDE.

If you have had a Near Death Experience or know someone who has you should read this book! I’m not getting paid to promote or endorse or anything-I just want people to have something they can go to and find comfort/answers to some of their questions about the near death experience. You might find it in your local library or book store or you can order it on Amazon.

©Natalya for Reflections on Life Thus Far, 2016.


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Claircognizance-psychic or just really intuitive?

This is a bit of a departure from my usual posts and the themes found in them but I’d like to discuss my claircognizance a little bit. Unlike clairvoyance, I don’t usually see lots of images or get visions but I “just know things”. Until recently I figured I was just intuitive but when I came across the term claircognizance it fit too perfectly to be “mere intuition” (although I am fairly certain my abilities derive from intuition). So if you aren’t aware of what claircognizance is the easiest way for me to describe it would be to say I know things without knowing how I know them. The information pops into my brain and I can sometimes know future events but not generally.

Crow/Raven on book.

Crow/Raven on book.

Typically, I am just aware of knowing stuff about people and various things I have not actually read about or heard of from someone else. My ability to read people is not work because it just happens instantly-it’s only work if I am zoned out and not present, then I am not good at reading people because I am dissociated. Fortunately, I don’t dissociate much anymore. Besides what I have mentioned I also tend to be able to answer my own questions if I am writing them down, as the information enters my mind. Again, none of this is usually visual; rather, it is usually something ‘heard’ silently and internally, when I am quiet enough to listen. It isn’t clairaudience but I have a bit of that ability too, along with clairsentience (clear hearing and clear feeling respectively). I also have a bit of clairvoyance ability but not as strongly as claircognizance (my mother was more clairvoyant than I am).

These aren’t abilities I set out to nurture or develop they simply happen to be what was always there in me. I suppose claircognizance was naturally nurtured unwittingly because it was strongest in me but that isn’t to say I consciously thought about any of it. Ditto for my other ‘clairs’ that are slightly weaker. Since I tried to kill myself in 2000 I developed brain damage and started having information channeled to me. The channeling hasn’t really continued like it used to except for when I’m meditating-even then it’s not a given I’ll receive any new awareness regarding whatever (usually the Universe and esoteric phenomena). It was strongest in the early to mid 2000s.

Now, I realize much of what I’ve written here could be misconstrued as evidence of my insanity; however, to be fair-and no pun intended-I think I’d know that if it were true! lmao 😉 Insanity and psychic phenomena usually involve negative experiences and outcomes, whereas mine tend to be positive. Psychosis is not a beneficial experience but being ‘psychic’ is. I don’t really consider myself psychic though due to the connotations for fraudulence and mental instability; hence my use of claircognizance and the other clair abilities.

If you would like to tap into your own intuitive abilities of the psychic sort I’d suggest finding a quiet space and meditating so your ego influenced thoughts decrease and space for “awareness” increases. Anyone can develop or cultivate their intuitive abilities if they really desire to do so. It doesn’t mean everyone will have the same level of intuitive ability and not everyone is interested in it either. But if you are there is no reason you can’t increase what ability you do possess already.

A word of caution: when tapping into your intuition you may experience things you aren’t used to and become uncomfortable. If that’s the case just take a break and go back to your usual activities. I experienced distress when I first noticed hearing wisdom in my head from my clairaudience and thought I might be headed for a psychotic episode. However, that didn’t happen (to my knowledge) so no harm done! LOL If you’re strongest clair ability is clairaudience there’s always that concern when you aren’t used to it that maybe you’re going crazy. But I would suggest if the things you are hearing relate to pearls of wisdom and noble kinds of knowledge as mine did/do you shouldn’t worry. You can also always request your Higher Self/Power/Spirit Guides/etc. to only send you comforting knowledge or to give you a break.

I realize to the non-believers all this likely sounds cracked but it is real to those of us experiencing it. Reality may be a solid concrete entity for some but we all interpret it according to our unique perspectives. The idea I perceive reality differently from you or someone else should not be seen as evidence I am living in fantasy-land/on drugs or just plain nuts. It ought to be an invitation to those of you convinced reality is concrete and somehow the same for everyone, so long as they are not crazy or on drugs to allow the possibility of reality being slightly more fluid than you previously thought. If that’s too much for you to do then at least consider the notion one should not mock what they don’t understand.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2014.