Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

contest-1767672

 

He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Book Recommendation: Life after near Death

Buy the book here: Amazon.co.uk  or here: Amazon.ca

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I don’t know much German so Google translated the phrase out of curiosity. It translates literally as “Quick flees the time was ready” which I think may be better stated as “our time goes too quickly” or perhaps “Times flies before we are ready”. Sorry for the poor translation.

As a NDE (near death experiencer) this book is invaluable. I finally feel like there are answers to the questions I have had ever since my NDE in late 2000. The author has had her own NDE and interviews others including their experiences in her book. She comes from a research background so it’s not a book filled with ‘New Age’ concepts as much as personal stories and evidence based research (but don’t worry it is far from dry or tedious).

The book came out earlier this year and I just found it at my local library. It has given me a sense of peace knowing I am not alone in what I experienced and the after effects of the NDE. I even found myself thinking “aha! so that’s WHY I do/feel like that” and just generally feeling less crazy. Best of all is finding out about how all people who’ve had a NDE have muddy brown/black and white in their aura representing the trauma and shift in consciousness following the NDE. A friend able to see/read auras told me (before I found this book) I had a the black and white colours in my aura as described in the book. It really helped me feel better knowing everyone has that aura if they’ve had a NDE.

If you have had a Near Death Experience or know someone who has you should read this book! I’m not getting paid to promote or endorse or anything-I just want people to have something they can go to and find comfort/answers to some of their questions about the near death experience. You might find it in your local library or book store or you can order it on Amazon.

©Natalya for Reflections on Life Thus Far, 2016.

Tapping Solution Video from World Summit 2013

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Tapping Video with Louise Hay and Nick Ortner

 


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Claircognizance-psychic or just really intuitive?

This is a bit of a departure from my usual posts and the themes found in them but I’d like to discuss my claircognizance a little bit. Unlike clairvoyance, I don’t usually see lots of images or get visions but I “just know things”. Until recently I figured I was just intuitive but when I came across the term claircognizance it fit too perfectly to be “mere intuition” (although I am fairly certain my abilities derive from intuition). So if you aren’t aware of what claircognizance is the easiest way for me to describe it would be to say I know things without knowing how I know them. The information pops into my brain and I can sometimes know future events but not generally.

Crow/Raven on book.

Crow/Raven on book.

Typically, I am just aware of knowing stuff about people and various things I have not actually read about or heard of from someone else. My ability to read people is not work because it just happens instantly-it’s only work if I am zoned out and not present, then I am not good at reading people because I am dissociated. Fortunately, I don’t dissociate much anymore. Besides what I have mentioned I also tend to be able to answer my own questions if I am writing them down, as the information enters my mind. Again, none of this is usually visual; rather, it is usually something ‘heard’ silently and internally, when I am quiet enough to listen. It isn’t clairaudience but I have a bit of that ability too, along with clairsentience (clear hearing and clear feeling respectively). I also have a bit of clairvoyance ability but not as strongly as claircognizance (my mother was more clairvoyant than I am).

These aren’t abilities I set out to nurture or develop they simply happen to be what was always there in me. I suppose claircognizance was naturally nurtured unwittingly because it was strongest in me but that isn’t to say I consciously thought about any of it. Ditto for my other ‘clairs’ that are slightly weaker. Since I tried to kill myself in 2000 I developed brain damage and started having information channeled to me. The channeling hasn’t really continued like it used to except for when I’m meditating-even then it’s not a given I’ll receive any new awareness regarding whatever (usually the Universe and esoteric phenomena). It was strongest in the early to mid 2000s.

Now, I realize much of what I’ve written here could be misconstrued as evidence of my insanity; however, to be fair-and no pun intended-I think I’d know that if it were true! lmao 😉 Insanity and psychic phenomena usually involve negative experiences and outcomes, whereas mine tend to be positive. Psychosis is not a beneficial experience but being ‘psychic’ is. I don’t really consider myself psychic though due to the connotations for fraudulence and mental instability; hence my use of claircognizance and the other clair abilities.

If you would like to tap into your own intuitive abilities of the psychic sort I’d suggest finding a quiet space and meditating so your ego influenced thoughts decrease and space for “awareness” increases. Anyone can develop or cultivate their intuitive abilities if they really desire to do so. It doesn’t mean everyone will have the same level of intuitive ability and not everyone is interested in it either. But if you are there is no reason you can’t increase what ability you do possess already.

A word of caution: when tapping into your intuition you may experience things you aren’t used to and become uncomfortable. If that’s the case just take a break and go back to your usual activities. I experienced distress when I first noticed hearing wisdom in my head from my clairaudience and thought I might be headed for a psychotic episode. However, that didn’t happen (to my knowledge) so no harm done! LOL If you’re strongest clair ability is clairaudience there’s always that concern when you aren’t used to it that maybe you’re going crazy. But I would suggest if the things you are hearing relate to pearls of wisdom and noble kinds of knowledge as mine did/do you shouldn’t worry. You can also always request your Higher Self/Power/Spirit Guides/etc. to only send you comforting knowledge or to give you a break.

I realize to the non-believers all this likely sounds cracked but it is real to those of us experiencing it. Reality may be a solid concrete entity for some but we all interpret it according to our unique perspectives. The idea I perceive reality differently from you or someone else should not be seen as evidence I am living in fantasy-land/on drugs or just plain nuts. It ought to be an invitation to those of you convinced reality is concrete and somehow the same for everyone, so long as they are not crazy or on drugs to allow the possibility of reality being slightly more fluid than you previously thought. If that’s too much for you to do then at least consider the notion one should not mock what they don’t understand.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2014.

 


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Forgiveness Is For You (Reblog)

I came across this post by another blogger which may not be to some people’s taste but this is my blog so I’m posting! 😉 Her blog is called Raise Your Vibration and is about esoteric type things I enjoy but may not be for everyone. So just warning you in case you really dislike esoteric kind of stuff.

http://raiseyourvibration.com/forgiveness-is-for-you-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-other-person-by-sabrina-reber/

 


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Survived The Phone Call

In my last post I mentioned my aunt would be phoning my dad and I Thursday night. Well

Aunt Rose

Aunt Rose (Photo credit: Wikipedia) My aunt doesn’t look like this but it’s what I think of her at the moment! LOL

she phoned and it seems she has taken to trying a different tack than she was before with me. In previous conversations she sometimes felt it her duty to tell me what I should be doing. I have become less passive in accepting these unsolicited offers of advice so she seems to have switched to giving me advice through allegory. She told me about this woman my grandmother had to share a room with in the nursing home before getting her own room. Apparently this ex roommate of my grandmother’s was in her 70s and a poor roommate due to bad behaviour. My aunt saw this older woman as being childish and demanding because she had a few irritating habits along with not going outside for the past 30 years. She must have gone outside to move into the nursing home but otherwise, I guess, she hasn’t gone out anywhere. My aunt mentioned how her family had coddled her when she was growing up because she had a few things happen to make her life hard (don’t know the details).

Anyhow, I could hear my aunt telling me she thinks I am being coddled and not stepping out to try new things (like she said about the elderly woman); also I am feeling entitled to act poorly because of my hard life. Perhaps I am totally having delusions of reference and my aunt wasn’t saying any of this through her story about the grandmother’s ex-roommate but my aunt is more than capable of such things. She wants to tell people how they should do things and will overstep your boundaries because she thinks she’s helping you. Basically, my aunt doesn’t mind treating you as a child if she thinks you’re acting like one in her eyes. She doesn’t have a sense of compassion for people either so your history is not her concern. Her desire to be helpful trumps any possibility of allowing others to live as they wish and do things with their own mind. Thank goodness she doesn’t live closer or she’d be putting her nose in my business all the time!

Her “helpfulness” isn’t limited to me only; she also said she thought my dad should just stay at home all the time to avoid any falls before his hip surgery. Seriously? Does she think being a shut-in for a couple of months is healthy? He won’t fall outside but he still can fall at home too. She thinks she is being caring and helpful but she’s just ignoring one’s right to live as they please. If you are an adult of sound mind then you have the right to do things the way you wish (so long as you aren’t hurting others). It’s called having free will or acting independently. When you’re an adult you can act foolishly or poorly and the consequences are your’s-my aunt is being paternalistic in her approach. She wants to control people so they live in accord with her vision of a just world. But we can’t control other people. We can only control ourselves.

I was somewhat annoyed as I considered what she was saying to me through her story and felt self pity for a good portion of Friday. Then I realized my aunt was merely operating from her understanding of the world and the people in it. We don’t share the same understanding of things so we aren’t reading from the same book, never mind the same page! She isn’t inside my head and I’m not inside her’s. All I can do is appreciate the fact we both grew up under different conditions and times and have our own view on things. It isn’t her job to understand me anymore than it’s my job to understand her. Yet I understand her reasons for being paternalistic. I understand she doesn’t view spirituality as something you focus your life on because one “should” focus on getting an education and earning a decent living. Well, obviously these aren’t awful things to strive for but they come a distant second and third to my value I place on spiritual development. I don’t really care about material wealth.

The issue I have with my aunt’s interference in my life is her lack of respect for my own choices. But I don’t live my life to please her and she isn’t the one living inside my body so her opinion on what I ought to do with my life is moot.

Do you have family in your life that treat you in a paternalistic manner? That is, they try to tell you what to do as though you’re still children needing guidance from an adult?

Thanks for reading.

©Natalya, 2013.


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A Bit Disappointed

My counselling appointment got cancelled for tomorrow as my counsellor is ill. At first I was okay about it but then my dad had to go phone my aunt to check on his mother in-law who’s in a nursing home near my aunt. Well, she couldn’t talk tonight so is calling back tomorrow and I am stressed because I hate talking to family. It’s always the same awkward conversations interspersed with small talk. I hate it and would have benefitted from a pep talk from my counsellor tomorrow but she’s unwell. My appointment got rescheduled but not ’til Tuesday which won’t help me with tomorrow’s phone call. The thing is I just don’t enjoy talking on the phone period. Doesn’t matter who it is I just don’t like it unless I am in the right mood which is not very often. I tend to worry about what to say and how to answer uncomfortable questions-of which there tends to be a few with my family.

So I am not feeling relaxed now in spite of the knowledge worry never does anyone any good. It was only an hour ago I found all this out about my aunt phoning tomorrow so I haven’t had much time to settle myself. You’d think by now I’d be better at handling family conversations but I always end up anxious to some degree. Even if I am reasonably relaxed there is always a tiny amount of anxiety lurking when family is involved. This means I’m not staying present and am thinking too much about the future that hasn’t happened yet. Mindfulness is helpful because then I know whether or not I am staying in the moment or mentally checked out thinking about the future. It helps if I can take a few deep breaths to re-oxygenate my brain after I have gone into anxiety/future mode so I can return to my surroundings.

The other thing about my anxiety is it means I am attaching value to someone else’s opinion of me. If I was totally okay with myself I would not be somewhat worried what my aunt might think when she finds out I am still unemployed and am not doing anything productive. Yes, I am usually helping my dad as well as doing the housekeeping; I even have several online shops I make designs for that I could potentially earn some money from (not much though). But these are things I have not yet accepted myself as being 100% valid so I fret about what my family will think of me. I so hate worrying about what my family thinks.

This is a challenging time of year too because students have returned to classes and I am not in any academic programmes currently. So I struggle with feeling like I am okay the way I am. If I am busy all the time doing housework I sometimes feel like that makes up for my unemployed status and not being enrolled in anything. But I don’t have the same motivation to houseclean all the time like I did in the Spring because there isn’t as much junk to clean like there was then.

Ultimately, I know the answer to my anxiety is staying in the moment and trying to become more accepting of myself regardless of what I’m doing. But it isn’t easy so I need to write what’s on my mind at times like this. It sort of helps me get a bit of perspective like I get in my counselling sessions. I’ll be alright.

©Natalya, 2013.


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Meditation Friend

Yesterday, I got lucky-not that kind of lucky but lucky to find a great meditation cushion

English: A zafu, the pouffe-shaped traditional...

English: A zafu, the pouffe-shaped traditional seat cushion used in zazen (sitting meditation). This one is – as the horizontal name tag reveals – of western make. Deutsch: Ein Zafu, das puffförmige traditionelle Sitzkissen im Zazen (Sitzmeditation). Dieses Exemplar stammt – am waagerechten Namensschild erkennbar – aus westlicher Fertigung. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

at Winners (a store). It’s purple and filled with buckwheat shells which makes it heavy but very good to sit on. Deepak Chopra made the cushion; okay, likely he designed it and someone else made it but you know what I mean hopefully. It has the seven major chakras embroidered on the top and I am just very pleased I came across it when I did because I’ve been wanting a meditation cushion for awhile now. They can be a bit expensive though so I hadn’t managed to get one but this one was only $20 because Winners is a department store that sells stuff with either slight flaws, minor defects, seconds from a manufacturer/designer and that sort of thing. Long story short, I have a pretty purple meditation cushion (zafu pillow) and am quite enthused about it.

Now I can resume my meditation practice I stopped back in February after my inflatable, portable meditation cushion had a leak and wouldn’t retain air for long. I like the one I got yesterday a lot better anyway so I am not missing my old cushion. Now, I know I could have meditated without a cushion but I just didn’t feel inspired without a proper pillow to sit on. I need to feel like I am creating an atmosphere when I meditate and I didn’t feel it when sitting on my bed’s pillows or on a flat mat. Rolled up towels also left me uninspired. Wow, I am rambling so will quit here.

In other news, I started to put the hardware up for the new drape rod and decided not to continue until I can get a drill because attempting to screw a screw into a stud in the wall with a regular old screwdriver is torture. It took me over an hour to manually get a screw into a stud in the wall about 80% of the way. Yes, I am lacking in muscle in my arms but it shouldn’t be so darn hard to get  a screw in the wall just because it’s in a stud. I might try to finish the window I started but the other window will have to wait ’til I get a drill because my arms hurt!

I hope you’re all having a great Friday and enjoy your weekend.

©Natalya, 2013.


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Day 29 of 30 Day Challenge

Question: List 10 people dead or alive you would like to have to dinner?

First of all I would never have 10 people over for dinner because that’s too many people for me.

Dinner companions

Dinner companions (Photo credit: on1stsite.)

So I will cheat and tell you five people as that is more than enough for me!

  1. Oprah Winfrey
  2. “The Aura Reader” or Jennifer Lynne Flint
  3. Benjamin Prewitt (yup, the WP blogger/artist with PD)
  4. The Dalai Lama
  5. Eckhart Tolle

So those are the five people I would invite to dinner if I could. All of them are alive and two of the five are not famous but still more than awesome enough for my company! I doubt they would all agree to have dinner with me but who said this had to be realistic? LOL

Who would you invite to dinner (5-10 people)?

©Natalya, 2013.


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Day 6 of 30 Day Challenge

Question: Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality?

Aries live life head first; after all, those horns on your head are not just for fighting. Your

Image of Aires the Ram, for Aries (astrology),...

Image of Aires the Ram, for Aries (astrology), reworked from old astrology chart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

headstrong nature can make you a “battering ram” and woe is the person who stands in your way. 

Aries are noted for courage and leadership qualities, primarily because you are nearly always ready for action. The need for excitement pushes you into new territory — and as long as you are ahead of others while demonstrating confidence, chances are that they will follow you. As self-ordained leader of the pack, Aries fight for what you believe to be important. But it’s not that Aries are fearless. Your courage is more of a commitment to face your fears and overcome them. 

Aries motto is “Ready, fire, aim!” It may be backwards for others, but you’d rather figure out what to do while you are doing it. Impulsive actions, however, can bring you your share of trouble. While others are gathering information to make informed decisions, you are already on your way. As such, you could suffer from false starts. In fact, you Aries are so good at starting things that you can be off onto your next project before completing the previous one. As you Aries mature, you learn to slow down your reaction time in order to think about the consequences of your actions. 

Element: Fire

Fire signs are naturally warm. A fire gives light and heat, but it doesn’t get depleted as others feed on its warmth. One candle can bring light to a room and it won’t burn any faster if ten people read from its light than if there was only one. Fire doesn’t plan it next move; it isn’t logical. It simply is in the moment and will burn what fuel is available without judgment or forethought. For this reason fire signs can successfully rely on their intuition and survival instincts. 

The fire of Aries is spontaneous and hot. It’s like a pile of dry kindling that burns fast but cannot sustain itself for the long haul. 

First House: Self

The First House symbolizes our physical body and our personality — how we appear to the outer world. It’s not necessarily who we are; it’s what we bring to a situation and how others see us. It represents our childhood, the beginning of any activity or even the start of a new relationship. It’s not, however, about the other person; it’s about how others see us. No doubt, everything starts with the First House. 

Key Planet: Mars

Mars is called the “Angry Red Planet.” In Greek mythology, Mars was the God of War. But Mars isn’t only about fighting; it’s about going somewhere, going anywhere. If someone is in our path, then, perhaps we must fight with them in order to keep going. Mars is like the gas pedal of our bodies. It’s represents how we move forward in life. In any chart, Mars offers clues as to how we express our basic energy. As the key planet of Aries, it reminds us to “just do it.” 

Your Biggest Strength: Your courage to overcome fear

Your Potential Weakness: Not finishing things you start

I copied the above description to provide a picture of my sign to those unfamiliar with astrology. Personally, I don’t feel like I do a lot of what the description says I am supposed to but some of it resonates for me. I am headstrong and stubborn and not entirely logical at times because of my reliance on my well developed intuition. But I don’t believe I am always ready for action and one to jump first and think later. My orientation is more towards carefully considering what I am getting into before hand. I may seem to do things without much forethought but I am usually contemplating my actions in ADVANCE. When I was a small child I acted more like the description but once into my late teens and beyond I changed quite a bit. Perhaps I have simply toned myself down a bit in “old age”! LOL (I’m 31).
The Chinese astrology sign of dog “gets” me more than the Aries does. Go to the link and read

Cute Dog Puppy

Cute Dog Puppy (Photo credit: epSos.de)

the dog description. The site has the other signs too so you can also read your’s.