Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…


Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.


As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.



He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.


You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.


What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.




Feeling Overwhelmed

So I had lunch today with my dad and aunt at a restaurant nearby; it went okay as far as the food went but the conversation was less pleasing. My dad decided to run by my aunt a few things he’s been fixated on over the past year and I have had to hear about from him regularly. Honestly, I don’t know if I believe all that he says because it sounds like paranoid thinking to my mind. That being said he believes it and I have no way to verify what he said as true short of confronting the people thought to be involved and asking them what they said, which would be horribly awkward and offensive considering the content. Legal advice might solve the issues but I don’t know how to approach the topic since I only heard what my dad said and not the other people involved. Much of the discussion is really awful and makes me feel disbelieving.


I would like to consider the legal counsel route but I have trouble thinking on the situation since it involves some ‘touchy’ topics. The situation makes me feel quite ill really. I hate thinking about it all. If my dad is wrong and actually delusional than is a lawyer going to be able to help?

At first I was angry with my dad for being fixated on the subject but now I just feel overwhelmingly helpless and sad. Yes, I can maybe contact a lawyer or someone like that but I don’t feel like I have the right to interfere. My dad might be okay with me seeking legal advice for him but it makes little difference in how I feel cornered and pressured to be dad’s champion. My aunt asked me and I couldn’t think of a way to say no. It would be better if my dad was willing to address the issue himself but he tends to communicate poorly. He has a few learning disabilities and his ability to express himself is somewhat limited in more complex situations. Hence, the reason my aunt wanted me to talk for my dad. But I am not sure I can do it.


The main reason I feel a desire to help is I figure it might give my dad some concrete facts instead of what he believes was said orally between him and the others involved. I’m skeptical of the events occurring as he said they did but I don’t have any proof for either side of the claim. Also, I am concerned that any inquiry made by the lawyer (if I go that route) may alert the other people involved since it’s an argument over a will. All I want is to have the lawyer say whether there’s a will or not and if my dad was included in it as a recipient. Then I can figure out if more needs to be done or not. As it stands, I don’t have confirmation of anything so any facts the lawyer could give would help. Beyond that I am not looking forward to because I hate confrontation and conflict.

I wish I could hibernate for the winter and avoid any conflict until Spring when it’s not so dreary outside. Maybe I would have a brighter outlook by then and my dad might actually have figured out the situation wasn’t as bad as he believed. If only.

Thanks for reading.

©Natalya L., Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2016.


Brunch With My Aunt and Grandmother Done

Zen wisdomWell I had brunch with my aunt and grandmother today. It went well, or better than expected anyway. My grandmother was quite forgetful and asked me more than several times the same questions again. She also repeated her sage advice to me numerous times! I didn’t mind though. She had lost some of her social filter from what I could tell and didn’t have the same ability to tell stories like she did last time I saw her (a year ago). The dementia has certainly had an effect on her. She couldn’t remember my name but knew who I was and you know hearing her advice repeated over and over again was sort of therapeutic. She couldn’t remember having said certain things already so just said them again which was kind of like hearing affirmations!

Having an 86 year old woman tell me what I should do didn’t bother me. Somehow

Be compassionate to all-especially YOURSELF!

Be compassionate to all-especially YOURSELF!

it seemed okay because she was speaking from experience and her words did have wisdom in them.My aunt didn’t really bother with questioning me much so I was grateful. I didn’t have to set my boundaries firmly in place. It was my grandmother who bluntly asked if I was working. Since she has dementia this was forgivable. Her diminution of social graces lent her an honesty I could respect.

It’s interesting that I’m able to pick up on symptoms of dementia in those afflicted with it. Some people seem quite willing to make excuses and be in denial about their loved ones with the illness. I, on the other hand, am different. No surprises there! Even when my mom had her various issues I could see them and didn’t pass them off as normal or an eccentricity. My dad isn’t very observant when it comes to human behaviour so he thought my grandmother was just fine today! I pointed out all the things I’d noticed and he seemed to have been somewhere else entirely from his assessment, which consisted of “well your grandmother looked good today”. Oy! 😛

Acceptance of What Is

Acceptance of What Is

Anyway, I thought the difference was marked even if she looked relatively normal/like her old self. She’s on medication for her dementia and can’t look after herself properly so is living with one of her adult children. It’s possible she may need to go into long term care soon if family can’t keep up with her increasing needs. I feel sad about this.

Hopefully my intuition of her only lasting several months is

Artist: Raoul Vitale

Artist: Raoul Vitale

catastrophic thinking on my part. I’m sure she’ll likely last a while yet. Then again, she can’t be on her own and has hallucinations and delusions despite being on medication. She’s not the sort who would want to live many years in such a condition. This is not fun stuff to think about 😦 Guess I am overdue for a death now. Last time I dealt with one was my grandfather after he’d fallen and hit his head in 2009. The year 2008 was my mom and a former client of a group home I’d worked in who had cancer. 2010 was the year I learned of my abuse being mother daughter sex abuse, which at the time felt like a death of sorts. I made it through 2011 without any deaths or painful revelations(apart from not qualifying for a student loan and being unable to return to university for the Masters degree I was admitted for), and 2012 has been reasonable, aside from financial concerns and being unable to go back to university still.

Live from your heart

Live from your heart

I’m not sure what’s next for me or what the new year will hold. All I know is now, this moment and nothing else. Thus, I shall exist in the moment and attempt foregoing fortune telling (aka worrying about the future). What else is there but the ‘now’? Eckhart Tolle may finally be percolating into my consciousness (I’m alluding to Tolle’s book The Power of Now). Be one with the Universe and all that good stuff now my lovely readers.

©Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.


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More Musings on Unemployment and Other Things…

Today as I sat minding my own business on a park bench an elderly man took it upon himself to give me some “advice” on what to do with my life-totally unsolicited, as advice often is. He proceeded to tell me about his grandchildren and what they were doing and how I should do something like they’re doing since they’re successful. I politely told him what I’d studied and how it hadn’t worked out for me but he seemed to be intent on imparting his “pearls of wisdom” to me as I sat on the park bench and he majestically stood leaning on his cane talking AT me. If he weren’t an elderly person I’d have told him where to take his advice but manners prohibited me from blasting him for his interference. Finally I had had enough and became more closed off with my responses. He seemed to have understood and thankfully moved on.

I shed some tears afterwards as he’d touched on a raw nerve of mine in bringing up the topic of doing. Why is it that people feel the NEED to give you advice if you’re not behaving in an expected manner? even when it happens to be harming no one? I’ve never been able to conform completely to society’s expectations for what constitutes success and the “appropriate” courses of action to be taken along the path of life.

Since childhood I pulled away from what others did and consistently followed my intuition to where it lead me. I was never popular and had a hard time keeping friends due to my independent nature. These days that hasn’t changed but I’m more acutely aware of others’ reactions than I was as a child and teenager. Others’ opinions of me impact me in direct correlation to how I’m feeling mood wise. If I’ve suffered for awhile with weak ego strength people’s opinions of me affect me more. On the other hand, if I’ve been keeping healthy mentally and my ego strength is strong people’s opinions count for very little to my overall mood. This is the reason for my fragility today while sitting on that park bench listening to the elderly man dispense his advice.

I’m reading Thomas Moore‘s book A Life At Work. It engages a part of your self often neglected by other popular self help type books: your soul. Oftentimes it seems risky talking about an esoteric thing like one’s soul but Moore does it with absolute grace and compassion. In so many books directed to the unemployed you find concrete tips on how to address survival needs; Moore goes beyond this to address that aspect of one’s self which seeks something more from life than a pay cheque.

Cover of "A Life at Work: The Joy of Disc...

Cover via Amazon

If you’re at all familiar with attempting to find yourself and what you are meant to do in life you’ll appreciate Thomas Moore’s book immensely. He is the author of many books, the few I’ve read have all touched me deeply. There is no shaming or superficial motivational advice in his books, only the meaningful. I am very grateful to be reading his book on work currently because it is just what I needed. I’m tired of being told by others what I “should” be doing. If I want to explore my soul and listen to my intuition instead of doing what everyone else does, why shouldn’t I?

So often people become uncomfortable witnessing nonconformity that they have to try and prevent it. If they were to allow it what would that say about their own actions? Nonconformity destabilizes people’s preconceived notions of what constitutes normality and acceptability. It causes discomfort and unease with the person choosing to go against the social grain. I think this is why I can’t simply be left in peace to discover my life’s calling without accusatory messages from not only family and friends, but strangers!

If you identify with anything I’ve said here I’d love to hear from you in the comment section below this post. Thanks for your interest.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.