Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

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He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Divine Offering

divine offering .. BY DUIRWAIGH STUDIOS

“There is no one in the universe more dear to us than ourselves. The mind may travel in a thousand directions, but it will find no one else more beloved. The moment you see how important it is to love yourself, you will stop making others suffer.” Thich Nhat Hanh


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Tired of Winter (It’s Supposed to be Spring!)

 

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Cute raccoon hanging on opossum’s tail. Just because 🙂

Winter isn’t letting go here and I am feeling my energy levels evaporating each time I shovel. Officially it is Spring but you wouldn’t know that to look outside. Outside it’s blustery and snow mixed with freezing rain makes for tricky conditions (driving/walking). Fortunately, the snow we got last week has largely gone due to rain we got afterward but there’s still a fair amount about. Maybe Spring will get here in another week or so then we won’t lose the whole season to cruddy winter! As you can tell my tolerance for cold temps and snow/freezing rain is pretty low.

Yesterday I saw my counsellor where I complained about the weather and how it’s making me cranky. That likely took more time than was reasonable which makes me think I’m stalling or experiencing resistance to something. My resistance is likely due to not wanting to talk about why I never go out or have a social life. My excuse is it’s too difficult to go out and try having fun in social situations. Historically, social situations have not been fun for me so I am already primed to expect negative outcomes. It doesn’t do much for getting me out the door to try retesting the experience. My counsellor would like for me to try going out a bit more so I am not such a hermit like I am now. Currently, I spend most of my time at home unless I have an appointment or my dad has one where he needs help from me. So I really don’t know how to have fun unless it’s on my own. Making myself vulnerable enough to experience new situations with people I don’t know is scary for me. Suddenly my fears of rejection and abandonment come back in a most irrational way.

Sweet raccoon and opossum hanging onto the moon.

Sweet raccoon and opossum hanging onto the moon.

I’m really good at finding courage for facing stuff that scares me internally but externally it’s a whole other issue. In a way my fear is from inside me but it’s a visible or concrete one that can be observed. Recently, the social anxiety has lessened in low social pressure situations like going to the grocery store but stayed the same for social situations requiring me to interact more, such as conversations longer than a minute or two. Maybe I am supposed to just go slowly. But it feels like I have nothing to “show” for all the time I’ve been taking to work on healing myself so I get frustrated. It’s my darn ego trying to trick me into being its slave again! Guess I’ll just have to work on cultivating my patience further.

That’s it for now. I am going to read some blog posts now since I have been slacking in that area.

©Natalya, 2014 for Reflections On Life Thus Far.


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Art for Peace?

May’s Bloggers for Peace challenge is to write about art and peace so I will discuss my thoughts below.

The World Peace monument in a pond next to a s...

The World Peace monument in a pond next to a statue of the Buddha on a lotus in Swayambhunath temple site, Kathmandu, Nepal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Art has the power to bridge culture and language; it can bring a room of diverse people together and enable them to appreciate something in common, be it dance, paintings, acting, performances of all varieties, etc. There is no need to understand what an opera singer is saying to be moved emotionally, nor is there need for speech when gazing at a statue or painting. During the period of Nazi Germany Hitler ‘spared’ the musicians because their art ‘spoke’ to his misguided soul. Music has the power to uplift us and bypass cultural barriers. South Korea’sK-Pop‘ is popular in America among English speaking young people. They don’t know what every word means but something gets transcended when communication is elevated to art form.

Whether or not art can bring us global peace is debateable but it certainly has the ability to bring peace to individuals and groups of people. Our hearts are ‘hearing’ and ‘seeing’ for us when we let an opera, symphony, painting etc. inside us. There is art available that likely brings little peace with it but there is good and bad in everything. What we should try to do is appreciate our differences. Those differences can cause wars but they can also enrich our world if we open ourselves to new things. Understanding comes when we learn our way is not the only way and others can be right too. One form of art is not superior to another, although we may like one more than another.

Art is like the individual, unique but not everyone appreciates or understands them like their admirers do. Just because we don’t appreciate or understand though doesn’t give us permission to wipe out that art form. In similar fashion, we cannot ‘wipe out’ a culture because they seem unreasonable to us. It happens but it is not ethical. We should strive to live our lives as ethically and peacefully as possible. Art might just bring us a little bit closer to this goal.

©Natalya, 2013.


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7 Natural Ways To Cure Adrenal Fatigue (MindBodyGreen)

A few weeks ago I posted on this topic but today I found another interesting bit of info I’d like to share with you. It’s a link to the site MindBodyGreen with a post on 7 different things you can do to help your adrenal fatigue. The author says ‘cure’ but I think it may be overly optimistic unless one adds the length of time involved. Still, it’s a good list and there’s bound to be something there you may find interesting or of use to you.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7504/7-natural-ways-to-cure-adrenal-fatigue.html

©Natalya, 2013.