Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


Happy New Year (2017)!

It’s a new year so I just thought I’d say “Happy New Year!”. My New Year’s eve and day 8f7583da32895b7d2f518cc75398b72cwere totally uneventful. I stayed in and simply cleared out clutter and cleaned. No parties for me. Not my style. At least I finally got around to some of the clutter I had around that needed tossing (I donate it because although it is clutter to me it is still good stuff and usable). Some might try to make a dollar or two clearing their clutter and I see value in that but I appreciate the immediate gratification of moving the items directly after finishing. It satisfies me more to know I have both accomplished something and done a small bit of good in donating my things I no longer enjoy but someone else may.

This year I have decided to try my best to be totally honest with the people I meet. Thatmask-1503440 doesn’t mean I vomit my secrets on everyone I see but I want to avoid trying to be anyone besides who I really am. Online here is the only exception. But the exception is only with respect to my name, everything else is true. In my ‘real life’ I wish to be open with people in an authentic manner and be just myself. For too long I have tried to be what others (family, people I know, the larger culture around me, etc.) have wanted but it didn’t make me happy. So I decided to make an effort to change that. If people don’t like me then it’s not the end of the world. But it is better than pretending to be someone I am not and feeling like my true self is unworthy. The important thing is I like who I am. That hasn’t always been easy so it’s a big step for me to attempt showing my true self. It means I have to really accept myself completely or else I will always be tempted to present the side of me I think others want/expect.


As far as I’m concerned one need not be unkind when honest so I will do my best to honour that knowledge. Although it may be hard to hear the truth, as long as it is delivered with the intent to be kind or authentic then I believe it’s okay. Simply giving one’s opinion is not truth though so it’s important to remind one’s self of that if it seems like the same thing (one’s opinion ≠ truth). Some family members of mine, I believe, would probably state their opinions like the truth and think of them as fact; still, that doesn’t make them that.


Well, that’s more than I’ve written in awhile so I feel pleased with myself.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.




Nearly A Year Gone

Oh my, I can’t believe I have been MIA (missing in action) for a year and a day! It’s a wonder any of you are left following my blog since I haven’t updated you with anything. But I just didn’t feel like writing. You maybe know how it is when you just get tired of something and have to be away from it to appreciate it again, well it’s like that.

There have been other reasons too, primarily I started to feel phony using a pseudonym to hide behind when I blog. But I thought about it and so far don’t feel comfortable ‘outing myself’ totally to anyone who may read this. So I continue as ‘Natalya’ for the time being anyway. Maybe in the future I’ll decide I have nothing to lose being an ‘open book’ online but not yet. It takes a lot for me to share myself not knowing who will read my words.

A lot has happened in some ways but in other ways things seem much the same to the casual observer. I am still me but something has shifted and I can never go back.

Thank you for being here and reading.

©Natalya for Reflections on Life Thus Far,2015.


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Happy Canada Day! & A Bit of Rambling

Happy Canada Day to my fellow Canadians. What am I doing to celebrate my country’s birthday? Well nothing unless you consider sitting in front of your computer on WordPress celebrating! LOL Guess my patriotism doesn’t get too stoked about these holidays. July 4th is a big deal in the U.S. but July 1st in Canada is a bit more subdued 😛

I haven’t been on here much so apologise for missing your posts. It’s really warm and humid today so I haven’t got much energy unfortunately so this post is likely to be slightly scattered like my brain at the moment. Humidity and heat really aren’t my friends. I take two antidepressants and both cause me to perspire more and be more sensitive to the sun/heat. Thus I am not loving summer so far even though I would likely be told I’m nuts because it’s cold the other three seasons and ought to enjoy it. Oh well.

Okay, I’m not thinking straight now so am going to contemplate the merits of putting my head in the freezer to cool off.


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Day 30 of 30 Day Challenge

Question/discuss: Your goals for the next 30 days?

Woo-hoo! Finally done these questions. Some were interesting but some were just plain inane. But I am glad I did the ‘challenge’ because it made me adhere to a certain schedule for my blog. The draw back of participating in the challenge was I usually felt no motivation to write a real post about what was going on for me. So I may simply make my goal for the next 30 days to blog whenever I feel like it. It’s been a chore answering all of these questions that weren’t always very intriguing to put it mildly.



Life History in 2 Pages

English: Feng Shui crystal

English: Feng Shui crystal (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For the portfolio workshop I have been attending I have to think of a theme or some way in which to express an aspect of my life in 2-4 pages. Essentially I’ve got to think about my entire life and which piece I want to write about. Likely I should have thought about writing it before today but I did begin considering themes for it immediately following last session. I’ve decided to write about ‘transformation’ because I see that as a salient theme in my life. Now I just need to actually write the story out. Fun! (not) 😛

The other thing I have to do is write some sentences about my skills which should not be too bad. We were given a few pages of various skills to choose from to help with the process. But I am now thinking about Feng Shui and what I’d like to do to clear clutter. Unfortunately I haven’t got the time now! I also have to do my laundry and other domestic delightful duties. Suddenly I feel like I have gone from not having enough to do to having more than enough to do. Guess you have to be careful what you wish for, eh?

I’ll try to read some of your blogs too because I haven’t been keeping up with reading them all lately. I apologize for that but will do my best to catch up. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend 😀

©Natalya, 2013.


100 Followers! Yippy & Thank You!!!

The moment has arrived: I’ve hit 100 followers! and am over 4 000 hits. I can hardly believe it having started this blog only

Buddhist compliment-just a silly pic I liked 🙂

a few months back. Thank you so much you dear bloggers and readers-new and old. You make me feel like I’m actually doing something worthwhile here. If I didn’t have all you lovely people following my blog I’d have little motivation to keep this blog going. So I must thank you all for supporting me, be it through your comments or your reading, I appreciate it enormously. This blog is my therapy at the moment since I can’t afford a proper psychotherapist. It lets me get my thoughts and emotions out of me and you read what I write! Thank you all so much!


Writing As Catharsis

St. Augustine writing, revising, and re-writin...

St. Augustine writing, revising, and re-writing: Sandro Botticelli’s St. Augustine in His Cell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Everyone likely has different reasons for writing and keeping a blog but the reason I like to blog my thoughts has to do with catharsis. Sometimes it’s to share information but a lot of the time it helps me therapeutically to get my feelings and thoughts out of my head. Of course I could do this in a traditional hard copy journal but it has more significance symbolically when it’s “published” on WordPress for others to read. Maybe there’s a little narcissism involved too. I’m sure there’s a thrill experienced when I see people have read what I’ve written, but beyond that it allows me to reach out to others. In return, fellow bloggers publish their thoughts and feelings and I see I am not the only person to have particular things going through my head.

Since beginning this blog over two months ago I’ve ‘met’ a lot of interesting people willing to share their experiences, either through poetry or writing stories and/or journal style entries. Now I am aware most of us use pseudonyms on here, apart from a few, but I have never felt the experience of reading somebody’s blog diminished because of it. The fact we don’t usually know each other allows for more honesty and greater openness than if we had to use our real names. I like being able to write without worrying too much someone will ‘find’ my blog and know who I am. They will know who I am reading my blog more than if they met me in person and asked me to share stories of my life with them. Blogging like this is more authentic even if I don’t use my real name. Maybe sometime in the future I’ll change my mind and use my real name but for now I don’t want to be constrained/restricted by ‘appearances’.

What about you? Why do you blog? What are your reasons for using a pseudonym or using your ‘real’ name? Do you think that bloggers using their real name are more ‘believable’ than those of us writing under a ‘fake’ name?

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


Struggles With the Ego

thumb|A sculptor's impression of the sofa in u...

thumb|A sculptor’s impression of the sofa in use Deutsch: Freud Sofa aufgenommen im Freud-Museum London Česky: Freudovo lehátko, na němž uléhali pacienti (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I’ve been writing a lot about mental illness and abuse lately but today I thought I’d talk about the impact of our ego in everyday life, and since this is my blog I will focus on my ego and how it impacts me. I’d love to hear from anyone who’s thought a lot about their ego and how it affects them.

This blog is a perfect example of how annoying my ego can be. Everyday since starting this blog I’ve logged in to see how “popular” it’s become by ways of ‘hits’ or views. Also, I notice myself feeling disappointed when I haven’t managed to attract any feedback or even ‘likes’. I check in several times a day sometimes just to see if I’ve gotten any new followers and whether or not any comments I’ve made have resulted in some interaction from a blogger. I think about whether or not I have the ‘right’ design or not and how pictures might help. Gosh darn ego! Grrr

Anyhow, my ego certainly has made itself felt over the past month and a bit. Seriously, ego you need to butt out! Let me just enjoy my blog and stop making it into a competitive thing. So what if I don’t have a tonne of followers or ‘hits’? I only started at the end of July for pity’s sake. But that’s what my ego does, it goads me and makes me feel inadequate if I have the same stats as the day before. Suddenly I’m thinking my blog must really suck! It’s like when my ego is in action I’m the only one who matters and everyone ought to be reading my fantastic blog-because it’s just so da*n great! Seesh. Talk about egocentric.

Another reason I dislike it when my ego is in the house is it makes me singularly focused on ME. Forget spiritual growth when the ego is around. The only growth I’m experiencing is my head! What’s an aspiring spiritualist supposed to do? The scary thing is my ego is a lot smaller than it used to be but it’s still bugging the sh*t out of me! I want to get to the point where my ego has a very small occupancy in my head and I’m able to let what others do and say not affect me. But until then I’m making bargains with my ego to buzz off and leave me alone for a bit 😛

Thanks for reading this self centered post.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.