Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Feeling Overwhelmed

So I had lunch today with my dad and aunt at a restaurant nearby; it went okay as far as the food went but the conversation was less pleasing. My dad decided to run by my aunt a few things he’s been fixated on over the past year and I have had to hear about from him regularly. Honestly, I don’t know if I believe all that he says because it sounds like paranoid thinking to my mind. That being said he believes it and I have no way to verify what he said as true short of confronting the people thought to be involved and asking them what they said, which would be horribly awkward and offensive considering the content. Legal advice might solve the issues but I don’t know how to approach the topic since I only heard what my dad said and not the other people involved. Much of the discussion is really awful and makes me feel disbelieving.

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I would like to consider the legal counsel route but I have trouble thinking on the situation since it involves some ‘touchy’ topics. The situation makes me feel quite ill really. I hate thinking about it all. If my dad is wrong and actually delusional than is a lawyer going to be able to help?

At first I was angry with my dad for being fixated on the subject but now I just feel overwhelmingly helpless and sad. Yes, I can maybe contact a lawyer or someone like that but I don’t feel like I have the right to interfere. My dad might be okay with me seeking legal advice for him but it makes little difference in how I feel cornered and pressured to be dad’s champion. My aunt asked me and I couldn’t think of a way to say no. It would be better if my dad was willing to address the issue himself but he tends to communicate poorly. He has a few learning disabilities and his ability to express himself is somewhat limited in more complex situations. Hence, the reason my aunt wanted me to talk for my dad. But I am not sure I can do it.

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The main reason I feel a desire to help is I figure it might give my dad some concrete facts instead of what he believes was said orally between him and the others involved. I’m skeptical of the events occurring as he said they did but I don’t have any proof for either side of the claim. Also, I am concerned that any inquiry made by the lawyer (if I go that route) may alert the other people involved since it’s an argument over a will. All I want is to have the lawyer say whether there’s a will or not and if my dad was included in it as a recipient. Then I can figure out if more needs to be done or not. As it stands, I don’t have confirmation of anything so any facts the lawyer could give would help. Beyond that I am not looking forward to because I hate confrontation and conflict.

I wish I could hibernate for the winter and avoid any conflict until Spring when it’s not so dreary outside. Maybe I would have a brighter outlook by then and my dad might actually have figured out the situation wasn’t as bad as he believed. If only.

Thanks for reading.

©Natalya L., Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2016.


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Changes Are Coming…and some venting!

Personal Transformation

Do you ever feel like things are changing, either subtly or not so subtly, including yourself? This is how I feel right now. I’ve been cleaning and clearing out old stuff I don’t need anymore and noticing what I DO need. Purging one’s space can be quite enlightening as you discover things hidden under clutter. It’s sort of a discovery at both the literal and figurative level and it’s not always pleasant. Sometimes the feelings stirred up are not welcome ones yet they are there. I pull back from trying to control life and let it tell me what I need now. Yes, a little weird to some, but I trust my inner voice of wisdom(intuition)to guide me in the right direction. When ignored I tend to make poor decisions so I’m ignoring my rational, logical brain and going with what ‘feels right’. Why must every decision I make be based on logic? or seem well thought out? I have lived much of my life trying to explain every decision made to people as though they deserved an explanation. Now I am listening to what I want for myself and doing my best not to compromise needlessly. Of course I may have to make an undesirable decision if I really have to, barring that though, I am prepared to stand up for who I am unapologetic about it. It feels much better than trying to fit inside someone else’s idea of ‘normal’.

As some of you may know my mother’s 4th anniversary of her death passed on the 23rd. Amazingly my dad didn’t notice! He doesn’t normally pay attention to the calendar dates anyway but it did surprise me he didn’t notice, or at least never mentioned anything. We’ve been continuing to clear out excess items together and invariably my dad will make a comment about ‘what a good mother my mom was’ when seeing something of her’s. It’s something I used to listen to and want to scream over as it was not accurate. My mother was NOT a good mother most of the time. She was a good mother a little of the time but that doesn’t excuse all those times she was not. So when dad says “you had a good mother” I really bite my tongue if he only says it once and doesn’t start extolling all of her virtues only he was able to see. Otherwise, I’m to the point where I am more direct and ask him to change the topic. Luckily my dad hates conflict so usually changes the topic but it’s annoying since he knows my feelings toward her. I may have compassion for my mother and have forgiven her but I haven’t forgotten what sort of treatment I got from her. I can’t listen to someone say what a wonderful mother my mom was when they were not the one living with her. How can people say someone was a good parent if they never watched them or experienced the parenting? It just makes me annoyed. I don’t appreciate people saying good things about somebody simply because they’re uncomfortable saying negative things as the person is dead. Who came up with the rule you can’t talk ill of the dead anyhow? I have no trouble saying my two cents worth about dead people, positive or negative! Alright, sorry for ranting. Sometimes it just irks me and I need to vent!

I’ll try to be more positive in my next post! lol

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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Confidence Building Session 2

Today went well; aside from a pigeon pooping on my head but it came out so could have been worse! We lost

Cheerfully Firm

Cheerfully Firm (Photo credit: cheerfulmonk)

two people from our confidence group but they will be back for the final session next week-I think. Today’s confidence lessons weren’t really all that eye opening but I appreciated the discovery other people have a difficult time asserting themselves too. That was one of the main things we discussed, assertiveness and styles of communication. It was already clear to me I have a mainly passive communication style, although I have been getting more assertive gradually. The other types of communication are aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive. According to the quiz we took I am inconsistently assertive-tell me something I don’t know! LOL The good news is it’s ‘fixable’. The bad news is I have to practice being assertive. I’d rather avoid confrontation but am sort of sick of being mistreated so am willing to push myself to get out of my comfort zone of passivity and enter assertiveness’s zone.

For ‘homework’ we’re supposed to work on something we scored low in on our confidence assessment quiz. Mine is to do more activity because I tend not to do much beyond blogging and being on my computer. So I am going to try and find something to do each day I don’t usually do. Today I talked to a woman from our group afterwards for a half hour. Normally I’d have just avoided any conversation but I actually sat down where we were waiting for the bus and we chatted. She’s a fellow Buddhist so I guess I felt more comfortable talking with her. A kindred spirit! Most people take being friendly for granted but when you have social anxiety and confidence issues striking up friendly conversations aren’t easy. It felt nice to talk to a real person! LOL

English: Martha Stewart at the 2010 Time 100.

English: Martha Stewart at the 2010 Time 100. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This isn’t something I really want to do but it is an activity and I mentioned earlier that I am going to find different activities to do this week. Well I am going to make an effort to do some housework because I am rather bad about keeping things clean. I live with my dad because I can’t afford to live on my own due to massive student loan debt and being unemployed. Anyhow, my dad’s a widower and retired and not into cleaning too much either. So if neither of us does anything the place starts to look worse for the wear. Thus, this week I’m going to try to take at least one day and do some cleaning. Remember that I am not Martha Stewart! One day is better than my current record 😛

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.