Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…


Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.


As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.



He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.


You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.


What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.




Technical Difficulties

robot-162087_640I decided to pretend I was smart and upgrade my Vista OS to Windows 7. Don’t worry, I bought a legitimate (legal) copy for instillation. Thinking I’d refurbish my own 2008 laptop I got the OEM version (usually made for manufacturers and the easiest to obtain these days) and did a custom install instead of being reasonable and doing the upgrade. This meant following a bunch of instructions that were simple enough but overwhelming to my computer novice brain. I managed to correctly download my Windows 7 OEM onto DVD and the tool for helping with it but it took me a couple attempts since I always manage to make things hard for myself like that.


Several hours later I had the new OS on my laptop and Vista was history. Too bad it wasn’t done there because I realised I’d deleted some things and had to go online to find them again so my laptop would function properly. As I am not in anyway an IT person it took me a lot of detective work to figure out how to find out what issues I had. Suddenly I found myself looking on my hard drives (I have 2) for clues and seeing just how confused I was.


Not me. But how I felt 😉

Let me suggest for anyone like myself (non IT person) you really do all your research BEFORE deciding to change your OS! I am not super impulsive but I can get it into my head that I will be spontaneous and figure out what I need to along the way; which is what I did and why I got myself into the mess I am not totally out of yet. My computer works just well enough to make me think I did alright (after downloading plenty of drivers from my laptop’s manufacturer website)-except it is taking forever to update (Windows Update) and I can’t even update other stuff like my browser so my web searches are sh*t and I can only read my e-mail in HTML instead of the usual rich text format I’m used to.

But I did manage to improve my computer’s performance to what it was BEFORE I installed Windows 7! Which is actually good because I initially had a LOWER rating but found the right stuff online to fix it and it’s as good as when I had Vista, LOL 😛  Ironically, I bought Windows 7 for better performance and to continue getting security updates from Microsoft and browser updates for Chrome. Chrome was going to quit updates for Vista in April ’16 and MS is quitting security fixes for Vista by 2017.



Expensive paperweight. My old computer! LOL, just kidding 🙂

In case you’re wondering I have another computer that works just fine and I am using that right now but I didn’t want my old one to end up as an expensive paperweight if I could help it. So I bought the downloadable Windows 7 OEM from Software King (they’re BBB reputable with an A+) and got my necessary stuff. The product key was good and I DO recommend them if you want a good deal on software. Software Empire is cheaper but they have an F with the BBB. So don’t buy from them.

I am really grateful I have another computer because my old one is slower than a snail! That is AFTER I improved its performance enough to be able to have the transparent window and not have it use all my laptop’s processor resources. Prior to that I had to use the old window to preserve resources (I’m referring to the personalisation features in Windows 7 where you select a ‘look’/theme for your desktop, task bar, and startup menu, etc.). There is an old style theme that uses much less of your computer’s resources if you’re struggling with a sluggish computer.



Anyway, I hope to figure out the Windows Update issue. So far I have done everything I can think of including help from online so I will just wait and hope my laptop updates itself if I wait long enough (I have the updater running now but it isn’t telling me anything yet).

Yes, I know this is not my usual post style but I needed to get my frustration out about my laptop.

©Natalya for Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2016.