Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Happy New Year (2017)!

It’s a new year so I just thought I’d say “Happy New Year!”. My New Year’s eve and day 8f7583da32895b7d2f518cc75398b72cwere totally uneventful. I stayed in and simply cleared out clutter and cleaned. No parties for me. Not my style. At least I finally got around to some of the clutter I had around that needed tossing (I donate it because although it is clutter to me it is still good stuff and usable). Some might try to make a dollar or two clearing their clutter and I see value in that but I appreciate the immediate gratification of moving the items directly after finishing. It satisfies me more to know I have both accomplished something and done a small bit of good in donating my things I no longer enjoy but someone else may.

This year I have decided to try my best to be totally honest with the people I meet. Thatmask-1503440 doesn’t mean I vomit my secrets on everyone I see but I want to avoid trying to be anyone besides who I really am. Online here is the only exception. But the exception is only with respect to my name, everything else is true. In my ‘real life’ I wish to be open with people in an authentic manner and be just myself. For too long I have tried to be what others (family, people I know, the larger culture around me, etc.) have wanted but it didn’t make me happy. So I decided to make an effort to change that. If people don’t like me then it’s not the end of the world. But it is better than pretending to be someone I am not and feeling like my true self is unworthy. The important thing is I like who I am. That hasn’t always been easy so it’s a big step for me to attempt showing my true self. It means I have to really accept myself completely or else I will always be tempted to present the side of me I think others want/expect.

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As far as I’m concerned one need not be unkind when honest so I will do my best to honour that knowledge. Although it may be hard to hear the truth, as long as it is delivered with the intent to be kind or authentic then I believe it’s okay. Simply giving one’s opinion is not truth though so it’s important to remind one’s self of that if it seems like the same thing (one’s opinion ≠ truth). Some family members of mine, I believe, would probably state their opinions like the truth and think of them as fact; still, that doesn’t make them that.

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Well, that’s more than I’ve written in awhile so I feel pleased with myself.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 

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Happy New Year! 2014

Happy New Year everyone following the Western (Gregorian) calendar. I hope everybody has their best year yet in 2014! I think the “new” year is a great time to set goals for yourself. For me, I have decided to continue with the concept I tried last year, which was to pick one word for the year and follow it; last year’s word for me was “action” but this year I have decided to go with “letting go” which is two words but one concept or action so I’m using it. Letting go is a great word or concept for me to follow this year because I have been letting go of many things and wish to continue along that vein.

Last year I cleaned out a lot of clutter and managed to make a lot of inroads regarding my mental health. Action being my word for last year it made sense to get rid of lots of clutter and clean areas of my home that hadn’t been cleaned, in some cases, for years or decades. The clutter belonged primarily to my parents because it’s their home (my dad’s now because mom is dead), so I was dealing with negotiating with my dad to persuade him to allow me to throw things out. It took me months to do what could have been done in weeks but I had to tread carefully so my dad wouldn’t tell me to stop with the clutter clearing. It came at a good time too because my grandmother needed to go into a nursing home last year and we ended up getting a lot of her furniture. If I hadn’t cleared out as much clutter as I had we never would have been able to take anything.

This year I hope to be able to “let go” or release anything that is holding me back from becoming myself in a fully realized way. My intention is to be fully actualized I guess you could say like in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. I know I can be me fully when I let go of my desire to be anyone other than myself. Trying to fit a pre-made mold just hasn’t worked for me except to make me miserable. So I vow to let go or release myself from the notion I must be what society says is correct or normal and just let myself be me and nobody else. I’m tired of trying to be someone I’m not so why should I be miserable and waste my life being anyone else? I am exactly how I should be for me. “Fitting in” has never worked for me anyhow!

Letting go for me also means accepting that not everyone will be happy with me. It’s like when you set a boundary and people realise they can’t take advantage of you anymore they might criticise you but that’s their problem! I would rather let go of my desire to have everyone like me and stay true to myself because your self-esteem will not increase if you allow people to use you. The more you stand firm in your beliefs and values the easier it is to continue that way because you send an unconscious message to your brain that says you matter. I value who I am so I will not tolerate certain treatment I used to when I believed my worth was very low. That was painful and I never experienced joy from allowing myself to believe I didn’t matter or have value. We must learn to accept who we are so we can have healthy self-esteem.

What are your New Year’s resolutions? Or do you have a word of the year like me? Or maybe you don’t make resolutions at all or you are on a different calendar and your new year has passed already!

©Natalya Lyubov, 2013.


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2013 Is Around The Corner But All We Have is Now

Happy New Year to all Friends !

Happy New Year to all Friends ! (Photo credit: Viola & Cats =^..^= HAPPY HOLIDAY !)

Okay, so maybe not my most pithy of titles but I was thinking about how tomorrow (for the Western world) it will be 2013. A new month and a new year where lots of us attempt to do things better than we did last year. But why? Why wait until it’s a new year to change? How many of us are able to say we will be around next year with 100% certainty? None! We HOPE we will be around (unless we’re suicidal) but we don’t KNOW we will be. Therefore, why not be better RIGHT NOW? Whenever you think about how you could be better or do things differently, why wait for an arbitrary time? All we have is this exact moment in which we are existing. I say, what better time than now to make changes? If you wish to embark on a healthier diet or exercise more, quit smoking, be kinder, whatever, then do so as the desire enters your mind. You may not have infinite tomorrows (in this lifetime).

Of course I am a terrible hypocrite because I do nothing but dream and think about what I will do tomorrow! That is the

Artist unknown

Artist unknown

nature of my mind. It provides me with tonnes of insights and wisdom but I’m as foolish as ever because I don’t follow through with what I know. But this year(2013) I have decided to be different. I have decided I am going to ACT on my insights and use my wisdom. There are lots of things I know but have great difficulty putting into practice. Many things enter my mind and I question their validity or accuracy. How can I know something simply because of a thought I’ve had? It is enough to make me question my sanity regularly. What sort of person throws their rational mind aside in favour of their intuitions? This is such a struggle for me. I have a thought in my head from who knows where and I’m supposed to not doubt it? My whole life I had this but awareness of it didn’t really strike until my adult years. Now at 30 I am beginning to trust my instincts are superior to my rational mind. But it makes me feel fear too b/c I know this isn’t how most people operate.

Artist: Nom Kinnear King.

Artist: Nom Kinnear King.

Just to be perfectly clear, I don’t consider myself psychic but I am highly intuitive and experience odd occurrences. The trick is to figure out what is fanciful thinking on my part and what is actually valuable knowledge? How do I remain sane and not totally question everything I “know”? The worst part is I have learned through my formal education that it’s important to investigate things, find out more about it, and so on. Yet, when I have intuitive knowledge I can’t ask someone to clarify b/c it’s inside my head! By now I feel I must sound bonkers to a lot of you. This is likely why my confidence has been poor in the past. I’ve trusted my intuition but have been unable to always verbalize it (comprehensively) so I sound like I haven’t lost my sanity.

Anyway, back to my original point-sort of. I am going to try worrying less over what

Artist: Nom Kinnear King

Artist: Nom Kinnear King

people think about me and if I sound nuts or not. I’m going to take more action so I am not merely filled with possibilities but actual results. It’s not about achieving anything spectacular. Those aspirations have left but I still want to follow my bliss wherever it may lead me. If I were in a different time and place I might like to be a wandering ascetic but, this being Canada in 2013, somehow I doubt that would work!

Where do your insights come from? Do you think the only trustworthy knowledge is from a book, authority, or even experience? Or are you like me and believe the only trustworthy knowledge comes from inside you?

©Natalya & Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.