Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Feeling of Disbelief

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A family member (relative through marriage) died over the weekend. At first this was the upsetting news that left me feeling sad; that was until I read the obituary later and learned he had remarried and never mentioned it. So not only did I find out he died-but also he had gotten married and never told anyone besides his closest family. It just feels so surreal. I didn’t expect for him to die so soon despite being ill and I certainly never dreamt he would have gone and remarried. There’s nothing wrong with him remarrying. That is not the issue. What I am having trouble with is why he would keep that information from his extended family.

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Image credit: Pixabay

Isn’t getting married (even if it’s a second time around) good news worth sharing? Did he think we’d be upset since his first wife (our blood relative) only died not quite two years ago? We kept in touch but we hadn’t visited since the same year his first wife died close to two years ago. Anyhow, I know it isn’t earth shattering he got remarried and never told us but finding out the same day I learnt he died has been a shocker. It kind of feels like a betrayal-I know it is not-but that doesn’t stop the thought from entering my mind that he obviously didn’t think enough of anyone outside his closest relations to share the news.

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Image credit: Pixabay

 

So I feel hurt. I think he should have told us. It sucks learning about something through a person’s obituary. I feel discombobulated. We weren’t terribly close, I suppose when it comes down to it, but he felt we were family enough to know about how ill he was, so why not him meeting someone and remarrying? This is all fresh news for me so I am still processing it but maybe it will be less painful in the days to come. I’m not sure if I ought to attend his funeral or not given we aren’t blood relations nor close friends. It might be awkward to have to meet his wife and I don’t want to cause conflict or tension for his family that was around him regularly (especially since we never were introduced to them).

 

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Image credit: Pixabay

You know, I kind of feel angry now that I’ve had time to digest the news. It’s like suddenly I have to change the narrative of the relationship; okay, so I think it’s actually more that I am being forced to confront the fact we weren’t as close as I tried to tell myself. I was aware of the parameters of the relationship and it being lacking but still… When someone dies it forces you to confront the stuff you tried (I tried) to push down and not think about. Now that I am facing the redefinition of our relationship I feel all the emotions associated with the five stages of grief circulating through me.

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Image credit: pixabay

He was my last connection to the relative I was blood related to. The fact he remarried p*sses me off because it ruins the way I viewed the couple and I kind of feel cheated. Yes, it’s immature but the blood relation (his first wife) and him were my godparents. So even though they never acted in that capacity I am annoyed and hurt. Perhaps he wanted to avoid dealing with people (including myself) who would be conflicted over his choice to remarry. I sort of wish he had told me while he was living though because then I would not be dealing with shock over him dying AND remarrying.

Okay, I guess I am through for now. This writing has helped me in a cathartic way. That’s why I like writing when I am super upset because it acts as a catharsis so long as I am totally honest with myself.

Thank you for reading.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

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He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Chicken Skin & Fish Scales (Keratosis pilaris and Ichthyosis vulgaris)Skin Conditions I Have

Keratosis pilaris on the upper arm.

Finally I found a name for the skin conditions I have had my whole life! I was doing a search on adult acne and came across these two skin conditions in the process. Fortunately, I seem to have the milder form of both conditions judging from the photos I saw of some less fortunate people living with the condition(s). Why my skin is so bothersome I don’t know-what did I do to you skin to deserve this? (being silly) No, I know it is genetic so there’s nothing one can do except try managing the condition. I’ve had dry skin since infancy but I didn’t mind how it looked until I was a teen and thought my arms and legs were horrible looking. Seriously, I have adult acne, eczema (allergic type) and the keratosis pilaris and ichthyosis vulgaris all in different spots. It’s like I don’t have acne on my legs so I have “fish scales” (ichthyosis) on them instead and no eczema on my arms but keratosis pilaris instead. Gee wiz, did I ever win the genetic lottery?! lmao

Well, in the grand scheme of things it’s not so bad but I hate wearing shorts or skirts/dresses because of my ‘fish legs’!lol My legs aren’t too bad but super dry and discoloured (uneven skin tone) so whilst I dislike my legs it’s purely my vanity that’s taking the hit. I guess it’s easy to find fault with myself but I am gradually accepting myself more and more; with that acceptance comes less distress over a primarily ‘cosmetic’ skin condition knowing it could be far more debilitating if I had a different type or more severe form.

A mild case of ichthyosis vulgaris on legs. Image from Livestrong.com

Why do I even get upset over skin conditions that are little more than a nuisance for that is what they are. Having less than flawless skin is sort of trifling when I think of those poor Nigerian girls held captive by the Boko Haram. My best guess is I am looking for something to focus my attention on that is manageable. Whenever I focus my attention on my skin it’s usually because I am trying to find some degree of control in my life. But my poor skin doesn’t deserve my scorn! It is mostly doing its job and I attack it for not looking perfect! LOL Such folly. It’s really very silly when I know how much I have to be grateful for even with my skin.

Do you have medical conditions that are benign and mostly cosmetic that upset you? How do you cope with them? I’ve had my whole life to accept them (except the acne) yet I still fight an urge to cringe seeing my skin. Perhaps this is what some term a “first world problem”. For that reason I’m working on getting the courage up to wear shorts in the summer out in public. Why let imperfect skin ruin my ability to live life as I otherwise would? It’s just skin and it’s not causing me medical harm beyond dry skin so I am grateful really, grateful that I am otherwise okay.

©Natalya, 2014. Reflections On Life Thus Far®


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A Touching Video About Familial Love

This is a short video about the love of a family that centers around food. It is not ‘about’ food though so watch it and you will probably cry-I did! It was posted by Mark on his blog Endless Light and Love. I’m sharing it here: http://youtu.be/1BZmuz88KEY