Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…


Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.


As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.



He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.


You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.


What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.




Feeling Overwhelmed

So I had lunch today with my dad and aunt at a restaurant nearby; it went okay as far as the food went but the conversation was less pleasing. My dad decided to run by my aunt a few things he’s been fixated on over the past year and I have had to hear about from him regularly. Honestly, I don’t know if I believe all that he says because it sounds like paranoid thinking to my mind. That being said he believes it and I have no way to verify what he said as true short of confronting the people thought to be involved and asking them what they said, which would be horribly awkward and offensive considering the content. Legal advice might solve the issues but I don’t know how to approach the topic since I only heard what my dad said and not the other people involved. Much of the discussion is really awful and makes me feel disbelieving.


I would like to consider the legal counsel route but I have trouble thinking on the situation since it involves some ‘touchy’ topics. The situation makes me feel quite ill really. I hate thinking about it all. If my dad is wrong and actually delusional than is a lawyer going to be able to help?

At first I was angry with my dad for being fixated on the subject but now I just feel overwhelmingly helpless and sad. Yes, I can maybe contact a lawyer or someone like that but I don’t feel like I have the right to interfere. My dad might be okay with me seeking legal advice for him but it makes little difference in how I feel cornered and pressured to be dad’s champion. My aunt asked me and I couldn’t think of a way to say no. It would be better if my dad was willing to address the issue himself but he tends to communicate poorly. He has a few learning disabilities and his ability to express himself is somewhat limited in more complex situations. Hence, the reason my aunt wanted me to talk for my dad. But I am not sure I can do it.


The main reason I feel a desire to help is I figure it might give my dad some concrete facts instead of what he believes was said orally between him and the others involved. I’m skeptical of the events occurring as he said they did but I don’t have any proof for either side of the claim. Also, I am concerned that any inquiry made by the lawyer (if I go that route) may alert the other people involved since it’s an argument over a will. All I want is to have the lawyer say whether there’s a will or not and if my dad was included in it as a recipient. Then I can figure out if more needs to be done or not. As it stands, I don’t have confirmation of anything so any facts the lawyer could give would help. Beyond that I am not looking forward to because I hate confrontation and conflict.

I wish I could hibernate for the winter and avoid any conflict until Spring when it’s not so dreary outside. Maybe I would have a brighter outlook by then and my dad might actually have figured out the situation wasn’t as bad as he believed. If only.

Thanks for reading.

©Natalya L., Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2016.


Unsolicited Phone Calls From Microsoft

This morning I got a phone call from “Microsofttechnical support. My dad had answered the phone and passed it to me so I didn’t know who it was. The man said he was from Microsoft and I had an infection on my computer he would help me with. I don’t know why I didn’t hang up right away but I had only just gotten up and hadn’t even eaten yet or had my coffee. So I gave this guy my login information for my computer and I know it was likely a stupid thing to do but it’s done now. If I’d been awake longer I might have thought better of it. Anyhow, I was on the phone for nearly three quarters of an hour with this guy and he said he could fix the problem if I paid for a registry certificate that would be good for the next 17 years! Well it cost close to $400 and I just couldn’t believe this was legitimate. Anyway, long story short-I thanked the person for their “help” and hung up. I don’t have any credit cards because I’m in debt and said as much so the guy’s response was to ask my family! What?! Seriously?

By this point I was waking up mentally and the alarm bells were ringing in my head. It left me feeling very stressed after hanging up because I know it wasn’t good that I gave the guy access to my computer even if he didn’t get any money from me. I’m just worried still that something bad will happen. It really made me anxious. I hate when these things occur. Normally I don’t answer the phone if the number is not recognizable but my dad had answered so I was unaware of the caller-except for what they told me. These kinds of things stress me out a lot. I am still feeling anxious and the phone call was three hours ago.

I really hope my computer is okay and the guy didn’t do anything harmful to it whilst trying to “help” me. Maybe being unemployed and poor is good sometimes as I had no money to give the guy anyhow even if I did have credit cards. He even said I could use Paypal but I have little money so that was no better. Guess I am glad about that because I wasn’t really all that alert yet when on the phone. The overt request for money made me “wake up” in a hurry though. I hung up shortly after realizing what the phone call probably was-a scam.

Anyone else have phone calls like the one I had?

©Natalya, 2013.



Day 26 of 30 Day Challenge


debt (Photo credit: Alan Cleaver)

Question: If you had a million dollars to spend how would you spend it?

Well if I had to SPEND the million dollars I would pay off my student loan debt, pay my sister’s student loan debt and take care of any bills my dad had. Then I would buy myself some half decent clothes and get my “look” updated. I’d make a trip to the dentist and have my dental check up and x-rays then check out veneers because of my overbite and uneven teeth. Then I’d actually smile in my photos because I would like my teeth for once! lol

Next thing I would do is buy my dad an RV or trailer to have on his property where he grew up because he loves it there but can’t afford to put anything permanent there. Or I’d get some other structure if he preferred that instead. I would finally be able to afford to move out and get a place to live and I’d help my sister and her family move into a better apartment or house. Oh yeah, I could also get driving instruction and my license then buy a car! LOL

I’d also love to take some further university courses or find a program to study that I can’t afford currently. It would be awesome to know I could afford ANY university or college degree or diploma I was interested in provided I qualified for it otherwise.

Assuming I have to spend the entire million dollars I would help out my favourite charities then take a trip to a few different places I have always wanted to go. I’d also be able to have a dog and look after him/her.

Most importantly I could find a therapist and afford to see them more than once or twice a month. It would be  nice to explore art therapy and maybe try out a few contemplative practices that are focused on healing your heart and mind too.

Realistically though I would not want to spend it all. Instead I would try to invest most of it and make modest purchases and pay down or off debts I have and my dad and sister have. It would mean I would not have to worry so much about what kind of job to take since the wage would not matter as much. There was a time I could have p***ed it all away in very short order but I was a foolish teenager then and at 31 I am a bit more practical and slightly wiser!

What would you do with a million dollars if you had to spend it?

©Natalya, 2013.



How Being Broke Changed My Life (MindBodyGreen)


yoga (Photo credit: GO INTERACTIVE WELLNESS)

I read this great piece of inspiration on MindBodyGreen and wanted to share it in case anyone else is going through the same kind of situation. Right now, it is exactly the way I feel and am glad to have come upon it.