Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…


Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.


As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.



He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.


You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.


What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.




Claircognizance-psychic or just really intuitive?

This is a bit of a departure from my usual posts and the themes found in them but I’d like to discuss my claircognizance a little bit. Unlike clairvoyance, I don’t usually see lots of images or get visions but I “just know things”. Until recently I figured I was just intuitive but when I came across the term claircognizance it fit too perfectly to be “mere intuition” (although I am fairly certain my abilities derive from intuition). So if you aren’t aware of what claircognizance is the easiest way for me to describe it would be to say I know things without knowing how I know them. The information pops into my brain and I can sometimes know future events but not generally.

Crow/Raven on book.

Crow/Raven on book.

Typically, I am just aware of knowing stuff about people and various things I have not actually read about or heard of from someone else. My ability to read people is not work because it just happens instantly-it’s only work if I am zoned out and not present, then I am not good at reading people because I am dissociated. Fortunately, I don’t dissociate much anymore. Besides what I have mentioned I also tend to be able to answer my own questions if I am writing them down, as the information enters my mind. Again, none of this is usually visual; rather, it is usually something ‘heard’ silently and internally, when I am quiet enough to listen. It isn’t clairaudience but I have a bit of that ability too, along with clairsentience (clear hearing and clear feeling respectively). I also have a bit of clairvoyance ability but not as strongly as claircognizance (my mother was more clairvoyant than I am).

These aren’t abilities I set out to nurture or develop they simply happen to be what was always there in me. I suppose claircognizance was naturally nurtured unwittingly because it was strongest in me but that isn’t to say I consciously thought about any of it. Ditto for my other ‘clairs’ that are slightly weaker. Since I tried to kill myself in 2000 I developed brain damage and started having information channeled to me. The channeling hasn’t really continued like it used to except for when I’m meditating-even then it’s not a given I’ll receive any new awareness regarding whatever (usually the Universe and esoteric phenomena). It was strongest in the early to mid 2000s.

Now, I realize much of what I’ve written here could be misconstrued as evidence of my insanity; however, to be fair-and no pun intended-I think I’d know that if it were true! lmao ūüėČ Insanity and psychic phenomena usually involve negative experiences and outcomes, whereas mine tend to be positive. Psychosis is not a beneficial experience but being ‘psychic’ is. I don’t really consider myself psychic though due to the connotations for fraudulence and mental instability; hence my use of claircognizance and the other clair abilities.

If you would like to tap into your own intuitive abilities of the psychic sort I’d suggest finding a quiet space and meditating so your ego influenced thoughts decrease and space for “awareness” increases. Anyone can develop or cultivate their intuitive abilities if they really desire to do so. It doesn’t mean everyone will have the same level of intuitive ability and not everyone is interested in it either. But if you are there is no reason you can’t increase what ability you do possess already.

A word of caution: when tapping into your intuition you may experience things you aren’t used to and become uncomfortable. If that’s the case just take a break and go back to your usual activities. I experienced distress when I first noticed hearing wisdom in my head from my clairaudience and thought I might be headed for a psychotic episode. However, that didn’t happen (to my knowledge) so no harm done! LOL If you’re strongest clair ability is clairaudience there’s always that concern when you aren’t used to it that maybe you’re going crazy. But I would suggest if the things you are hearing relate to pearls of wisdom and noble kinds of knowledge as mine did/do you shouldn’t worry. You can also always request your Higher Self/Power/Spirit Guides/etc. to only send you comforting knowledge or to give you a break.

I realize to the non-believers all this likely sounds cracked but it is real to those of us experiencing it. Reality may be a solid concrete entity for some but we all interpret it according to our unique perspectives. The idea I perceive reality differently from you or someone else should not be seen as evidence I am living in fantasy-land/on drugs or just plain nuts. It ought to be an invitation to those of you convinced reality is concrete and somehow the same for everyone, so long as they are not crazy or on drugs to allow the possibility of reality being slightly more fluid than you previously thought. If that’s too much for you to do then at least consider the notion one should not mock what they don’t understand.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2014.



The Blind….

The Blind Should Not Tell The Sighted How To See. I don’t know if anyone has said this

You may not see everything but it’s still there.

or not before but it came to me as I was reading about various deniers of things, including illnesses and particular abilities/gifts. The thing is with those who deny certain things being true are usually those who have no authority to do so. They aren’t suffering from the said illness or in possession of the debated upon ability, yet they act like they have the right to denounce those who have. It makes me angry. It should not because I realize ignorance isn’t the easiest obstacle to overcome when the mind remains closed; however I do feel lingering irritation. Just because YOU can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!

There are things in this universe we have yet to be able to record and/or discover scientifically; however that does NOT mean it isn’t existing because we lack the ability or tools to verify it. Everything in the universe consists of matter and energy. When we cease to exist our matter is recycled. Stop discrediting things just because you haven’t been able to experience it yet.

What do you think? If you have an illness others can’t see or an ability others doubt as

God and Science? Can they co-exist?

being valid, do you get annoyed or wish people w/o these things would get a clue? I mean organized religion could be compared to invisible phenomena and discredited but because it has authority figures and has become institutionalized it is treated with respect (for the most part). If we can confer some respect on those with religious beliefs we don’t share why can’t people at least bite their tongues on talking about things they have no direct experience with?

Alright, that’s the end of my disgruntled rant for today.

©Natalya & Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2013.


2013 Is Around The Corner But All We Have is Now

Happy New Year to all Friends !

Happy New Year to all Friends ! (Photo credit: Viola & Cats =^..^= HAPPY HOLIDAY !)

Okay, so maybe not my most pithy of titles but I was thinking about how tomorrow (for the Western world) it will be 2013. A new month and a new year where lots of us attempt to do things better than we did last year. But why? Why wait until it’s a new year to change? How many of us are able to say we will be around next year with 100% certainty? None! We HOPE we will be around (unless we’re suicidal) but we don’t KNOW we will be. Therefore, why not be better RIGHT NOW? Whenever you think about how you could be better or do things differently, why wait for an arbitrary time? All we have is this exact moment in which we are existing. I say, what better time than now to make changes? If you wish to embark on a healthier diet or exercise more, quit smoking, be kinder, whatever, then do so as the desire enters your mind. You may not have infinite tomorrows (in this lifetime).

Of course I am a terrible hypocrite because I do nothing but dream and think about what I will do tomorrow! That is the

Artist unknown

Artist unknown

nature of my mind. It provides me with tonnes of insights and wisdom but I’m as foolish as ever because I don’t follow through with what I know. But this year(2013) I have decided to be different. I have decided I am going to ACT on my insights and use my wisdom. There are lots of things I know but have great difficulty putting into practice. Many things enter my mind and I question their validity or accuracy. How can I know something simply because of a thought I’ve had? It is enough to make me question my sanity regularly. What sort of person throws their rational mind aside in favour of their intuitions? This is such a struggle for me. I have a thought in my head from who knows where and I’m supposed to not doubt it? My whole life I had this but awareness of it didn’t really strike until my adult years. Now at 30 I am beginning to trust my instincts are superior to my rational mind. But it makes me feel fear too b/c I know this isn’t how most people operate.

Artist: Nom Kinnear King.

Artist: Nom Kinnear King.

Just to be perfectly clear, I don’t consider myself psychic but I am highly intuitive and experience odd occurrences. The trick is to figure out what is fanciful thinking on my part and what is actually valuable knowledge? How do I remain sane and not totally question everything I “know”? The worst part is I have learned through my formal education that it’s important to investigate things, find out more about it, and so on. Yet, when I have intuitive knowledge I can’t ask someone to clarify b/c it’s inside my head! By now I feel I must sound bonkers to a lot of you. This is likely why my confidence has been poor in the past. I’ve trusted my intuition but have been unable to always verbalize it (comprehensively) so I sound like I haven’t lost my sanity.

Anyway, back to my original point-sort of. I am going to try worrying less over what

Artist: Nom Kinnear King

Artist: Nom Kinnear King

people think about me and if I sound nuts or not. I’m going to take more action so I am not merely filled with possibilities but actual results. It’s not about achieving anything spectacular. Those aspirations have left but I still want to follow my bliss wherever it may lead me. If I were in a different time and place I might like to be a wandering ascetic but, this being Canada in 2013, somehow I doubt that would work!

Where do your insights come from? Do you think the only trustworthy knowledge is from a book, authority, or even experience? Or are you like me and believe the only trustworthy knowledge comes from inside you?

©Natalya & Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.


Surefire Ways To Develop Your Intuition

I’m sharing a link here to an article that made me feel like I’m not the only ‘weirdo’ who hears voices and isn’t schizophrenic! Okay, not voices like auditory hallucinations-more internal voices guiding you. Alright I’m sure I’m not helping myself out much here but trust me on this you should read the article via the link. The woman who wrote it could have been me but I didn’t write it. Someone else did. Enough rambling, here:¬†

Jewel - Intuition UK EU AUS

Jewel – Intuition UK EU AUS (Photo credit: Wikipedia)Nothing to do with my link apart from the Intuition title.


Mom’s 4th Anniversary (Death)

So today is four years since my mom died and I’m feeling reasonably good considering the date. I think most of October was difficult emotionally for me so maybe I can cope a little better today. It’s been a real roller coaster ride of emotions over the past four years; inevitably, mom’s anniversary brings up material, sometimes good but mainly sad. Incidentally sadness is a salient feeling for me as I face some realizations, whilst anger bubbles up, with hurt at the other end. Really, I don’t know how I made it this far but I guess I’m stronger than I think, at least emotionally. Mind you I still deal with PTSD symptoms so emotional strength doesn’t prevent suffering.

In case you’re new to my blog or haven’t read past posts, I had an abusive mother. She dissociated a lot and had mental illnesses so often didn’t recall things, or if she did she discounted my feelings. This isn’t surprising as she endured significant abuse as a child from both parents so I don’t blame her. But I did feel a lot of anger this month. Normally I am not angry often but most of October anger was my predominant feeling. Then I had my aura read by a wonderful woman, Jennifer Flint (The Aura Reader, and I discovered some things about myself and life. Consequently, I was able to examine what was happening for me this past month in a new context with my new knowledge. If you want a scarily accurate reading of your aura, Jennifer Flint is the person to see! She charges a reasonable amount for the service she gives. She can do your reading over the internet if you provide a current picture of yourself.

Now, I’ve gotten off track! LOL I wanted to say that I feel much better this year than I did last year on this date. For one thing my mom’s mother and sister never phoned to meet for a family gathering, unlike last year when we got together at a restaurant, where I listened to all the positive stuff about my mother and I tried suppressing my anger. My maternal grandmother and aunt never say negative stuff about my mom and I get the sense they don’t want to hear negative things about her; thus I end up suppressing all my anger and feeling like I am being choked. So I am grateful this year wasn’t a repeat of last!

Even my dad has been doing better, especially concerning parting with some of my mom’s things. I think his progress with his grief has helped me because I used to absorb his feelings and become depressed. I guess I still absorb his feelings to some extent but feel less like I take on all of his emotions. You could pathologize this and call it a personality disorder symptom, or do a nice narrative reinterpretation of it and call it extreme empathy. Otherwise known as an empath. It’s not really important though if you call it a symptom or gift. I am strange enough to be okay with either interpretation! Okay, I am not really all that strange but sometimes I feel like I am because I don’t do what everyone else does.

There’s still some anger lingering in me regarding my mom’s treatment of me growing up. I guess I can’t just wave a wand and make it disappear. That would be nice though! I don’t enjoy being angry but it’s honest anyway. Better than bottling it up like I used to and pretend it’s not there. Dealing with my emotions in an honest manner continues to be a challenge for me but I’m making progress so I feel proud of myself. Undoubtedly, dealing with my feelings will be my Achilles heel all my life but at least my awareness of them continues to increase. The best I can do is to keep working away on myself.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Psychic But Sane

Blog devoted to us highly sensitive, intuitive types who feel crazy because we’re able to predict events and

English: Storefront Psychic fortuneteller in D...

English: Storefront Psychic fortuneteller in Downtown Crossing, Boston. January 2009 photo by John Stephen Dwyer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

read people easily, etc. I’m not convinced after reading the blog I’m sane but heck I’ll try to believe it! I don’t think I’m psychic but this may be denial.

How To See an Aura


This is pretty neat. I first learnt about this and saw auras around people 12 years ago but didn’t think much about it. So listening to some meditation music I stumbled across this video and thought I’d share so you can learn how to see auras. It’s not just for psychics! LOL

The Holistic Approach of Alternative Medicine ...

The Holistic Approach of Alternative Medicine symbolized by the aura of man. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)