Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…


Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.


As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.



He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.


You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.


What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.



Into the Mind of the World (Om Times)


Beautiful poem from online magazine Om Times. Poem by Marianne Gatlin.


Finding Meaning & Reason(s) To Live

Never Give Up The holidays are stressful for the best of us and those of us who’ve endured trauma often find it even more so. Thus, old wounds are liable to either reopen or become irritated. We may fall back into unhealthy patterns of behaviour or thinking. Perhaps we are alone or have lost connection with those whom we are most used to seeing around this time of year. Whatever the reason for one’s discontent it usually stems from some sort of lack of larger meaning or purpose in one’s life. It wasn’t until I was 27 that I KNEW I needed some type of belief system, atheism or agnosticism weren’t sufficient anymore. I needed more support than the simple belief we are just bodies and once we die that’s the end. Unlike some I didn’t run for the nearest church; instead, I rationally inquired within myself what beliefs I had and if they were open to growth? So I ended up delving into meditation and deeper into Eastern Philosophy/Buddhism. They provided me with the sustenance I had been looking for.

Living one’s life without ANY spiritual or religious compass can be a lot to handle when crisis hits. For myself, I’d grown

Meaning-is there any?

Meaning-is there any?

up never attending church and not being forced to believe anything. It went well for awhile until my mother died, then I realized being Agnostic wasn’t going to cut it if I was going to survive with any meaning in my life. Just having a vague idea about the Cosmos wasn’t adequate anymore. What I’m trying to convey here is if you’re going through a crisis it can be immensely valuable to find yourself a belief system to feel supported by. Some of us don’t have many real life supports in our life so a system of faith or philosophy can help a great deal. You needn’t become a born again Christian, Muslim, Hindu etc, just find something you can believe in. Heck, you don’t even have to totally believe the religion or philosophy but you need to accept something BIGGER than yourself. It might be your “wise mind” or your “higher self” if you can’t stomach religion. Anything that takes you ABOVE your mortal, everyday complaints and puts life into perspective for you will work. You need to feel there is a point to being alive, that you aren’t merely existing until the day you die.

I’d recommend choosing a person in your life to live for but you never know what could happen to them, or yourLotus relationship; thus the advocacy for a belief system. I struggle some days with why am I here? Why am I alive still? At times I don’t have any decent sounding answers, but mostly I come back to my beliefs and they sustain me. They aren’t based on a god or number or gods either, my beliefs are eclectic(largely Buddhist but not totally), some might say ‘New Age‘. Whatever you call them, they help keep me going. At the end of the day that’s all you want, isn’t it? A reason to not self destruct? There’s no reason you can’t change your beliefs either if they aren’t working for you. Examine the different philosophies available, shop for your religion like the well informed consumer you are(if you’re a Westerner)! If there is a God, S/He would want you to find them no matter which path you decided on (no offence to the more conservative believers out there).

As a final thought I will add doing volunteer work, or community involvement, can be fulfilling and even stand in as a religion for some folk(Secular Humanism). If you are not keen on adopting a faith or philosophy dedicating your energies to causes you support can act as a useful system of meaning. Many people derive satisfaction from helping others and don’t hold any religious beliefs. Find what works best for you. Don’t hurt yourself or anyone else and you’ll be doing wonderfully. Be kind to yourself and others, people.

©Reflectionsonlifethusfar, 2012.

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Friggin’ allergies are making my life miserable!…and other things

Okay, I admit I am not a great housekeeper and there’s A LOT of dust around my home but I can’t be expected to dust 24/7! My allergies have been doing a number on my energy levels lately. Mainly, I don’t have any. Mold and mildew are a bit of a problem as well but not as bad as the dust. Years of dust have been forming on some items in my home, while others have been neglected for shorter spans of time.

I don’t like vacuuming or dusting very much. When it’s hot out and humid I can’t be bothered. Also I’m allergic to certain weather patterns-I get headaches and stuffed up. Someday’s it feels like I’m allergic to EVERYTHING! Pollen, ragweed, dust, mold, mildew, freshly cut grass, lactose, changes in the barometric pressure…OMG, seriously. I can’t breathe at times and it’s a catch 22 because if I cleaned regularly this


Dust-Mask-Cone_23462-480×360 (Photo credit: Public Domain Photos)

wouldn’t be such an issue; however, as I’m fatigued constantly the dust builds up more and more. Okay, so if I had more money I’d hire someone to dust for me but I don’t so it’s up to me to get rid of the dust. You’d be amazed at the irony of my situation. Dusting gives me problems in itself-I start wheezing and coughing, my asthma flares. I routinely forget I own a dust mask for this reason and end up remembering AFTER I’ve wheezed and coughed through the chore.

This isn’t meant to be a pity party or an effort at finding sympathy; I just want to rant a little. I’m sure plenty of people are in the same boat as me but find it in themselves to actually DO something about it. Doing has never been a strong point of mine. It comes in somewhere after carpentry-which I also have no aptitude for. I like to think and think, then think some more, then, maybe finally spring into action. Staying in the realm of the cerebral and abstract is comforting for me, actually going out into the world isn’t. While many people consider ‘getting their hands dirty’ or ‘being in the trenches’ part and parcel of a life well lived, I’d much rather observe.

By now you may have gathered or deduced that I have social anxiety, among other problems. I take medication for these things but so far I haven’t found a pill for conquering inertia. No matter how much I meditate zazen or mindfulness style, I can’t convince myself going out and interacting with people is a worthwhile endeavour. The only helpful piece about the meditation is it has made me far more aware of where I’m going wrong. It has also made me feel guilty for not contributing to humanity in some way by whatever means I’m able to. So I have decided volunteering would be a good idea if I can just get up the nerve to ask for references.

For what seems like forever now I’ve had trouble asking people for references, either for work or volunteering. I imagine the person I’ve asked either not remembering me or thinking I’ve become an underachiever after hearing what I’m applying for. That or they don’t have anything positive to say about me. You see I have the problem of being very self conscious and able to predict NEGATIVE outcomes well, while being blind to any potential positive outcomes. I’m going to overcome it though! Why? you may ask yourself. Well I am ashamed of where I’ve ended up. I can’t hide forever and expect to actually live a purposeful life. What sort of person says they have a meaningful and purposeful life while staying at home all the time? Nobody, right? Right.

It’s time I’ve started to interact with the world outside my computer. If I manage to kick my butt into action and you don’t see regular posts be glad, for it will mean I’ve found something to do, something in the REAL world. But in the meantime I’ll keep posting updates and telling you more about myself.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.