Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Feeling of Disbelief

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A family member (relative through marriage) died over the weekend. At first this was the upsetting news that left me feeling sad; that was until I read the obituary later and learned he had remarried and never mentioned it. So not only did I find out he died-but also he had gotten married and never told anyone besides his closest family. It just feels so surreal. I didn’t expect for him to die so soon despite being ill and I certainly never dreamt he would have gone and remarried. There’s nothing wrong with him remarrying. That is not the issue. What I am having trouble with is why he would keep that information from his extended family.

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Image credit: Pixabay

Isn’t getting married (even if it’s a second time around) good news worth sharing? Did he think we’d be upset since his first wife (our blood relative) only died not quite two years ago? We kept in touch but we hadn’t visited since the same year his first wife died close to two years ago. Anyhow, I know it isn’t earth shattering he got remarried and never told us but finding out the same day I learnt he died has been a shocker. It kind of feels like a betrayal-I know it is not-but that doesn’t stop the thought from entering my mind that he obviously didn’t think enough of anyone outside his closest relations to share the news.

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Image credit: Pixabay

 

So I feel hurt. I think he should have told us. It sucks learning about something through a person’s obituary. I feel discombobulated. We weren’t terribly close, I suppose when it comes down to it, but he felt we were family enough to know about how ill he was, so why not him meeting someone and remarrying? This is all fresh news for me so I am still processing it but maybe it will be less painful in the days to come. I’m not sure if I ought to attend his funeral or not given we aren’t blood relations nor close friends. It might be awkward to have to meet his wife and I don’t want to cause conflict or tension for his family that was around him regularly (especially since we never were introduced to them).

 

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Image credit: Pixabay

You know, I kind of feel angry now that I’ve had time to digest the news. It’s like suddenly I have to change the narrative of the relationship; okay, so I think it’s actually more that I am being forced to confront the fact we weren’t as close as I tried to tell myself. I was aware of the parameters of the relationship and it being lacking but still… When someone dies it forces you to confront the stuff you tried (I tried) to push down and not think about. Now that I am facing the redefinition of our relationship I feel all the emotions associated with the five stages of grief circulating through me.

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Image credit: pixabay

He was my last connection to the relative I was blood related to. The fact he remarried p*sses me off because it ruins the way I viewed the couple and I kind of feel cheated. Yes, it’s immature but the blood relation (his first wife) and him were my godparents. So even though they never acted in that capacity I am annoyed and hurt. Perhaps he wanted to avoid dealing with people (including myself) who would be conflicted over his choice to remarry. I sort of wish he had told me while he was living though because then I would not be dealing with shock over him dying AND remarrying.

Okay, I guess I am through for now. This writing has helped me in a cathartic way. That’s why I like writing when I am super upset because it acts as a catharsis so long as I am totally honest with myself.

Thank you for reading.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

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He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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Feeling Overwhelmed

So I had lunch today with my dad and aunt at a restaurant nearby; it went okay as far as the food went but the conversation was less pleasing. My dad decided to run by my aunt a few things he’s been fixated on over the past year and I have had to hear about from him regularly. Honestly, I don’t know if I believe all that he says because it sounds like paranoid thinking to my mind. That being said he believes it and I have no way to verify what he said as true short of confronting the people thought to be involved and asking them what they said, which would be horribly awkward and offensive considering the content. Legal advice might solve the issues but I don’t know how to approach the topic since I only heard what my dad said and not the other people involved. Much of the discussion is really awful and makes me feel disbelieving.

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I would like to consider the legal counsel route but I have trouble thinking on the situation since it involves some ‘touchy’ topics. The situation makes me feel quite ill really. I hate thinking about it all. If my dad is wrong and actually delusional than is a lawyer going to be able to help?

At first I was angry with my dad for being fixated on the subject but now I just feel overwhelmingly helpless and sad. Yes, I can maybe contact a lawyer or someone like that but I don’t feel like I have the right to interfere. My dad might be okay with me seeking legal advice for him but it makes little difference in how I feel cornered and pressured to be dad’s champion. My aunt asked me and I couldn’t think of a way to say no. It would be better if my dad was willing to address the issue himself but he tends to communicate poorly. He has a few learning disabilities and his ability to express himself is somewhat limited in more complex situations. Hence, the reason my aunt wanted me to talk for my dad. But I am not sure I can do it.

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The main reason I feel a desire to help is I figure it might give my dad some concrete facts instead of what he believes was said orally between him and the others involved. I’m skeptical of the events occurring as he said they did but I don’t have any proof for either side of the claim. Also, I am concerned that any inquiry made by the lawyer (if I go that route) may alert the other people involved since it’s an argument over a will. All I want is to have the lawyer say whether there’s a will or not and if my dad was included in it as a recipient. Then I can figure out if more needs to be done or not. As it stands, I don’t have confirmation of anything so any facts the lawyer could give would help. Beyond that I am not looking forward to because I hate confrontation and conflict.

I wish I could hibernate for the winter and avoid any conflict until Spring when it’s not so dreary outside. Maybe I would have a brighter outlook by then and my dad might actually have figured out the situation wasn’t as bad as he believed. If only.

Thanks for reading.

©Natalya L., Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2016.


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Changes

Discouraged. That pretty much sums up how I have been feeling lately. I think I am overwhelmed because I have been going through my possessions trying to become more minimalist; but in the process I have felt a mixture of emotions. Most recently, I parted with a garbage bag full of treasured books destined for charity and in doing so I wanted to pull some out and ‘save’ them…but I resisted. It feels like a loss to me because I love books and they’ve been my ‘significant other’ since I have never let real people close to me. So in parting with so many books I felt attachment to I went through a series of grief related feelings. Maybe not all of the grief related feelings/stages but definitely some anyway.

When you use books to satisfy your need for relationships giving away a large quantity of them feels horrendous. It’s not like I hoard books but I definitely value my books more than a person ought to. They aren’t historic relics suited to an archives department either so I don’t have any objective reason to view them so fondly. Perhaps it’s the fact I parted with books that had served as valuable references and comfort when I needed them; now I’m forced to either let go of anything I can’t remember or trust I will be able to call upon my brain to give me the knowledge when I need it. That’s scary given I dissociated for so much of my life to avoid pain. What if I can’t remember everything I read in the books I gave away?! Now I must trust myself to survive and have greater acceptance of my innate fallibility which also makes me face the fact I am imperfect. You see all these things connect to my sense of lovability and self-worth and that is terrifying territory. There’s little comfort in what I’m experiencing.

I want to crawl under my bed covers and not have to face the world. Maybe I am depressed but more than likely I am afraid of the fact I have nothing solid to stand on. All of my worldly identifiers are gone and I’m struggling to not concoct a new identity for myself knowing such a thing would be a production of my ego anyway. Part of the reason I fear social interaction is I’m afraid someone will ask me about myself and I don’t have any tidy, pat answers on tap to reduce my discomfort and the other person’s. The other reason for my social anxiety is I simply have trouble easily relating to everyone. Maybe most people don’t easily relate to others either and just hide it better than I do. Or maybe it’s a problem of ‘how’ I relate. I can relate at a human level but not at the social/surface level. After all, I don’t have a paid job, sports don’t interest me and I don’t have a husband or kids. So right there I am starting off from a disadvantaged position. Then again maybe I just overthink these things and should try to ‘relax’ more! Ha, if it were that easy I’d have done it by now. In some ways I have learned to relax about it a little bit but other times I get triggered by things like giving away some of my precious books. Who knew parting with a garbage bag full of my books would trigger me? Certainly, if I’d known it, I might have chosen to part with fewer books to ease the discomfort. The way I have done it feels like I just had a Band-Aid ripped from a tender sore spot. I suppose I shall have to go easy on myself. Trying to bulldoze my way through the pain won’t help me any if past experiences are anything to go on.

On a more positive note I did manage to dust my computer desk and tidy up my messy cords from my electronic devices. Well that’s it for now. Tomorrow I see my counsellor.

©Natalya, 2014. Reflections On Life Thus Far®


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Reactive Attachment Disorder & Me

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/reactive-attachment-disorder/basics/definition/con-20032126

No, I’ve never been formally diagnosed as having RAD but I definitely fit the criteria and identify with it. Most know of it as something only in children but reactive attachment disorder doesn’t cure itself with ageing. I come from an emotionally neglectful home and can’t find any photos of me smiling as a baby when being held by someone (including my mother). If I smiled it was when I was alone, playing on my own. Thinking about RAD makes me sad because I know how many of the problems I had in life are related to never forming a healthy attachment (secure attachment) with my mother. How do you form an attachment with someone who has serious issues of their own and no insight to get treatment? Small wonder I failed to develop a secure attachment with mom and never wanted to be held by her. I didn’t even like being touched so hardly got used to liking it.

Today I saw my counsellor and brought up my feelings of sadness and grief connected with RAD. Most of the session I simply cried and let out my pain from not feeling like I was secure with my mother. Mom was abused as a child herself and never went through therapy so passed her trauma onto me. Often I felt completely alone and helpless-not to mention uncared for. Naturally I never knew what I was feeling because I had no mirror or person to helpfully teach me what I was experiencing. This lead to a lot of anxiety because I didn’t know what was going on in me. Mom sometimes offered comfort but other times she neglected me and I felt ignored, like my emotions didn’t mean anything. This taught me to not express emotion overtime which lead to much pent up anger.

"Love is unconditional and 'knows' that our psychological pain comes but from our ego. Attachment 'thinks' that our pain comes from other people. Attachment dissolves when its object does not conform to what our ego wants. The pain we feel then is created by our frustrated ego, which calls these people toxic, whereas it's our own ego who acts toxically. This is called projection and precludes our development.~JY Besle"

“Love is unconditional and ‘knows’ that our psychological pain comes but from our ego. Attachment ‘thinks’ that our pain comes from other people. Attachment dissolves when its object does not conform to what our ego wants. The pain we feel then is created by our frustrated ego, which calls these people toxic, whereas it’s our own ego who acts toxically. This is called projection and precludes our development.~JY Besle”

The erratic expression of concern contrasted with indifference or anger from my mother when I was upset gave me no security upon which to build my emotional immune system. For a long time I felt numb or like I might emotionally bleed to death. Mercifully, numbness was more salient than any other feeling but it didn’t help me to mature properly either. As a result I isolated myself or spent time in unsatisfying, dysfunctional friendships that met none of my needs. Romantic relationships were a non starter so I am horribly stunted in this area. All that I know is what I have read from psychology and self help books. Having RAD meant I didn’t want to be touched because my earliest experiences were negative with few positive experiences to even out my perspective.

I wish I could reach out to people and tell them what I need but it’s really scary for me. I’m so used to trying to function as though I need no one but it’s painful because I am left dealing with everything on my own. The exception being when I see my counsellor. Just imagining trying to tell a friend what I am feeling or need has never been something I’ve managed to do. My thought is that they would not respond kindly or would reject me as my mother did. Since many of the friendships I have had have been with emotionally unavailable people my fears were not without warrant. Now I am wishing I could wave a magic wand and have friends in real life who accept me as I am-not as they wish for me to be.

This is a real grieving process. Knowing that I have spent so much time feeling alone with no close relationships hurts. Maybe if I’d realised my issues were attributable to RAD I could have avoided unnecessary treatments or at least not wasted my time exploring stuff that had little to do with my actual problem, attachment.

Perhaps the silver lining in my experiences is that I am wiser than I’d have been if I grew up in comfortable surroundings without any conflict. Although I didn’t enjoy going through what I have gone through I know it has given me insights and perspectives that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. Pain can be a teacher and hopefully I will continue to see the messages in whatever it is that happens, not just what has already occurred. As the saying goes “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”.

Being personally insightful, self aware and philosophical has without question helped me along the way. I know I am

Adult attachment styles & romantic relationships

Adult attachment styles & romantic relationships

lucky to be 32 and unpacking trauma now instead of a decade or two later. I feel grateful for the opportunities I have been given and want to be mindful of all that I have, not the things I’ve lost. Yesterday, when I went to counselling, I was feeling sad with grief but being open about my feelings with my counsellor gave me healing. Today the sadness that had been hanging over my head is gone and I feel uplifted.

So often all that I require is the space to be open with my thoughts and feelings without fear of being shamed. Not all of my therapists have helped me but those that did I am immensely grateful to. It’s been a long road I’ve been on (this healing road) not always knowing if I was making progress or not in therapy. At 17 I embarked on a journey, a head shrinking journey, that has been successful in the last half or so more than the first when I fought merely to stay alive. Those early therapy years I struggled against suicidal thoughts and anger that I had “failed” in my attempts to kill myself. I wasn’t able to get very far then because I felt depressed and anxious constantly. Psychiatrists unwilling to take the time to get to know me threw me out with the proverbial bathwater labeling me as Borderline Personality Disordered. Now, I have concluded they were not the a**holes I used to think of them as, but rather lazy and too comfortable in their practice to take on any hint of a challenge. In other words, they had their patients already and were established enough that they didn’t want “bothersome/trouble” patients with BPD. They had lost any compassion they might have started with in favour of seeing only those with “easy” diagnoses-aka drug treatable conditions.

My attachment disorder is not cured but I see half the battle as having identified the root issue behind my troubles. Overcoming the rest of my attachment related issues won’t be easy but I feel confident I have what it takes to get through it.

Do you have attachment difficulties and if so, how have you dealt with them? Please share.

©Natalya, 2014. Reflections On Life Thus Far®

 


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Forgiveness Is For You (Reblog)

I came across this post by another blogger which may not be to some people’s taste but this is my blog so I’m posting! 😉 Her blog is called Raise Your Vibration and is about esoteric type things I enjoy but may not be for everyone. So just warning you in case you really dislike esoteric kind of stuff.

http://raiseyourvibration.com/forgiveness-is-for-you-it-has-nothing-to-do-with-the-other-person-by-sabrina-reber/

 


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Portfolio & Counselling

211106301254175104_dmBYAIjF_cAs some of you may know, if you regularly read my blog, I started a portfolio development workshop a month ago. Monday we had our “second” session after finally having a decent day without snow. The chronological timeline I had done two weeks ago, I passed in. My timeline was long compared to some but the length wasn’t important so it was fine. We had more people too so I was feeling less comfortable. I really prefer groups in the 4-8 range, preferably at the lower end. We had 10 on Monday which felt like a lot to me. Also, we ended up getting a new member who, in my opinion, talks too much! She is very verbose that’s all. Nice but verbose, lol. Thankfully other members spoke too though so it wasn’t a case of one member dominating the group. We have a bunch of questions this week we have to answer. They’re to encourage reflection on who we are and what we have done which is what I enjoy. I’ve a good idea of who I am but will have to of course find the appropriate words to express it. The what have I done and my resulting skills will make me think a bit more. I’m not usually as good at identifying what I’ve done and the skills associated but will manage!

Tuesday was my second counselling session I’ve had with my new counsellor (regular readers will know I started seeing a counsellor a few weeks ago for working on myself). It went well. We actually discussed my homework I’d done for the portfolio workshop since it was relevant. I continued to talk about my background and my counsellor said I was resilient. This was nice but not a shock to me by any means since I have already identified myself that way before. She was curious about how I had overcome as much as I have. To which I responded, almost immediately, my independent personality. Alone, my independence hasn’t been what’s saved me but it certainly helped. I suppose I am different from some people in not needing constant companionship/company; on the other hand it has meant I’ve been alone most of my life, aside from a few friends over the years who’ve come and gone. I don’t regret this but would appreciate it if I could have a positive friendship or two that involves people I can actually meet up with in real life. Online friends are wonderful but you can’t go out with them for coffee or a day of shopping.

My counsellor drew attention to the fact I wish to work on my boundaries but have actually had strong physical boundaries; in the sense that I have not allowed anyone to touch me if I didn’t want them to. This is true but I’ve also been a tad rigid too. I barely hug people, never mind an intimate relationship with anyone. In a sense I’ve been too shut off from receiving physical affection because I hated my mother constantly touching me without respect for my feelings. It became a defense against anyone triggering me into reliving my mother’s invasive behaviours. Unfortunately, I need to work on achieving a ‘happy medium’ if I ever hope to have a meaningful romantic relationship with someone. My emotional or psychological boundaries are the ones I need the most help with though. Not that I am without any boundaries but I still struggle to keep them in place.

This past Monday I bought myself a yellow citrine and carnelian crystal to help with my sacral and solar plexus chakras. I’m not sure how to make best use of them yet. Initially I thought I’d put them in a ‘cage’ and wear it as a necklace but maybe I’ll meditate with them instead. I guess I’ll have to think about it a bit more. My book on chakras that mentions the crystals for each chakra says citrine can be for the sacral and solar plexus, the only difference I noticed was it said yellow citrine for the solar plexus and just citrine for the sacral chakra. Anyone know what the difference is?

©Natalya, 2013.

 


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Love Actually

Love Actually

Love Actually (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just finished watching Love Actually on DVD for the first time. The movie originally came out in 2002 or 03? but I just saw it today! A former therapist I had recommended it to me(in 2009) but I just never got around to watching it until now. It was a really cute romantic comedy with lots of laughs. I suspect my therapist suggested it because she figured as someone uninitiated to romantic relationships I was clueless about adult stuff. Yes, alright so I haven’t had any relationships because I’ve spent most of my life afraid of intimacy but I’m not a moron.  Geez, it’s sort of insulting to have my former psychologist think I needed exposure to seeing people do more than hold hands. But I don’t blame her either. Her intentions were good. The movie was humorous to be sure. However, I didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know about. Sheesh 😛

There’s a lot of other stuff I could discuss about this movie and what my former therapist was communicating to me but I’m not discussing it. Anyone else see the movie? I enjoyed it. It takes place around Christmas time not Valentine’s Day so it’s not a movie for Valentine’s but I think it’s still suitable. I don’t see a lot of movies so usually when I watch one it’s years after its initial release. In fact I can’t remember the last movie I saw in the cinema because it’s been likely a year or more. That and I can’t remember movie titles well either so that doesn’t help :/ From what I can recall it was also a romantic comedy though because I do enjoy that genre.


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Insecurity

Sometimes I realize I behave rather poorly, insecurely I guess. It gets in the way of me

Armadillos have built in boundaries!

having “normal” social interactions. I’m not asocial or unwelcoming of people but I struggle with my boundaries being crossed. My mom used to invade my personal space and not allow me any privacy when I was growing up so now I’m standoffish if I have to interact with someone (in a way that causes me to remember those boundary violations). I feel guilty that I can’t behave like a “normal” person and just accept people in my space. But, like I said, it creates anxiety since I never had any of my boundaries respected when I was a child. Now I can be a bit rigid with my boundaries, as opposed to flexible. How do I get past this rigidity and become comfortable with a more flexible set of boundaries?

Why can’t I just wipe out the past traumas and be like other people? I really don’t know how to get myself to the place inside where I’m alright interacting with people not concerned with my safety. I’m so used to not having my personal boundaries respected that these past four years since my mom’s been dead have been the only years of my life where I’ve been permitted privacy. Prior to her death I dealt with her walking in on me in my bedroom without knocking on my door, walking in on me in the bathroom without knocking and so many other instances where she didn’t act like I had any rights-rights to not be touched or looked at inappropriately, rights to have my possessions left alone and not taken or used without permission. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life on guard against being violated because of my boundaries being continuously disregarded.

Keep Out!

Now I have the privacy I always wanted but I am sometimes too quick to shut people out in order to protect myself, whether there is a threat present or not. My mind wants to have me forever hiding so I’m finally able to relax and let out my breath I’ve been symbolically holding in for so much of my life. It feels bittersweet being granted this privacy whilst being on-guard all the time just below my conscious awareness. Much like, I imagine, a prison camp survivor would feel after being freed and worrying about food and potential punishments-despite being away from those problems.

How long is it going to take me to feel safe enough in my personal space that I can allow others in without disregarding my boundaries? It’s been 4.3 years since my mom died but sometimes it feels like she’s not gone at all. I know in my head she’s dead but my hyper-vigilance hasn’t completely left me either.

I’ve had dreams where she’s still alive and I get scared and think it can’t be true because I know she died. But I have these dreams sometimes and they feel real to me. Then I wake up and remember she’s still dead but I hate those dreams. They’re not nightmares but anxiety filled dreams where my mom is still alive and sometimes recovers (from the Alzheimer’s) but she’s still dysfunctional. I’m left unable to say anything as everyone around me acts like it’s perfectly normal my mom’s come out of her Alzheimer’s and is no longer dying. Yet she never returns to how she was when I remember her as functional, she returns to a state where she’s still disturbed but has her wits about her. It’s profoundly disturbing when I have these dreams because they really do feel incredibly real to me.

Has anyone else had the experience of dreaming a dead person was alive again in your 213498838557069941_M7zJXQU9dream/nightmare that you had a bad relationship with? Am I trying to ‘fix’ my relationship somehow through my dreams at night? They don’t typically resolve anything but occasionally my mom and I get along in my dreams. Some of them are actually good but others leave me panic stricken unsure of what’s true or reality as she seems to come back to life again (but not happy and healthy). Why do I dream these unsettling scenarios over and over again but in slightly differing ways?

Shortly after my mom died I dreamed a lot of distressing dreams involving her trying to attack me. Those dreams stopped but the ones with her alive have been a mixture of positive and negative. Some she’s nice to me in and some of my dreams she’s indifferent to me. Am I supposed to be getting a message from these disturbing and surprising dreams? The number of times I’ve woke up to think my mom is still alive is too many. I’m tired of this. Tired of feeling like mom isn’t dead and tired of feeling she’s still around at times.

©Natalya, 2013.