Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Feeling of Disbelief

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A family member (relative through marriage) died over the weekend. At first this was the upsetting news that left me feeling sad; that was until I read the obituary later and learned he had remarried and never mentioned it. So not only did I find out he died-but also he had gotten married and never told anyone besides his closest family. It just feels so surreal. I didn’t expect for him to die so soon despite being ill and I certainly never dreamt he would have gone and remarried. There’s nothing wrong with him remarrying. That is not the issue. What I am having trouble with is why he would keep that information from his extended family.

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Image credit: Pixabay

Isn’t getting married (even if it’s a second time around) good news worth sharing? Did he think we’d be upset since his first wife (our blood relative) only died not quite two years ago? We kept in touch but we hadn’t visited since the same year his first wife died close to two years ago. Anyhow, I know it isn’t earth shattering he got remarried and never told us but finding out the same day I learnt he died has been a shocker. It kind of feels like a betrayal-I know it is not-but that doesn’t stop the thought from entering my mind that he obviously didn’t think enough of anyone outside his closest relations to share the news.

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Image credit: Pixabay

 

So I feel hurt. I think he should have told us. It sucks learning about something through a person’s obituary. I feel discombobulated. We weren’t terribly close, I suppose when it comes down to it, but he felt we were family enough to know about how ill he was, so why not him meeting someone and remarrying? This is all fresh news for me so I am still processing it but maybe it will be less painful in the days to come. I’m not sure if I ought to attend his funeral or not given we aren’t blood relations nor close friends. It might be awkward to have to meet his wife and I don’t want to cause conflict or tension for his family that was around him regularly (especially since we never were introduced to them).

 

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Image credit: Pixabay

You know, I kind of feel angry now that I’ve had time to digest the news. It’s like suddenly I have to change the narrative of the relationship; okay, so I think it’s actually more that I am being forced to confront the fact we weren’t as close as I tried to tell myself. I was aware of the parameters of the relationship and it being lacking but still… When someone dies it forces you to confront the stuff you tried (I tried) to push down and not think about. Now that I am facing the redefinition of our relationship I feel all the emotions associated with the five stages of grief circulating through me.

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Image credit: pixabay

He was my last connection to the relative I was blood related to. The fact he remarried p*sses me off because it ruins the way I viewed the couple and I kind of feel cheated. Yes, it’s immature but the blood relation (his first wife) and him were my godparents. So even though they never acted in that capacity I am annoyed and hurt. Perhaps he wanted to avoid dealing with people (including myself) who would be conflicted over his choice to remarry. I sort of wish he had told me while he was living though because then I would not be dealing with shock over him dying AND remarrying.

Okay, I guess I am through for now. This writing has helped me in a cathartic way. That’s why I like writing when I am super upset because it acts as a catharsis so long as I am totally honest with myself.

Thank you for reading.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.


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Phone Phobia

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Darth Gimp Cordless Phone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have a rather ridiculous fear of ringing phones, okay not fear more like rage, so every time a phone rings I want to smash it against the wall-or next closest hard surface. This all began when I was ‘on call’ as a casual for a company where I took care of people with disabilities. Because I was also in university at the time I never wanted to be part time or full time, thus I stayed casual which meant I could be phoned anytime of day to cover a shift. There were no benefits and no promised amount of hours per week or anything. It was just a flat pay except for when covering on Christmas or New Year’s. I hated how I was treated as though I should be willing to work 24/7 and not be entitled to any perks the part time and full time workers got. After a year or so it got to me but I stayed for another two years until completely burnt out. I needed the pay cheque to be able to afford my tuition.

Eventually the stress got the better of me and I quit. It was the best feeling quitting my job because I had come to hate it so much. By the time I quit I was an anxious, depressed mess and needed serious help. Each time the phone rang I had the idea it was ‘them’ trying to get me to cover a shift. I dreaded every phone call. Thank goodness we had caller ID but it was so stressful! In addition to hating ringing telephones due to my loathsome job, I also hated it because of a message saved in the voice mail on our phone. My dad wanted to save the message because it reminded him of the person that had died; the only problem there was I had a negative relationship with the person who left the message and it was not even a happy message. Every two weeks the voice mail would come up for renewal so you could save it or delete it. I wanted to delete it so badly but knew my dad appreciated it so left it on the phone for two+ years! After awhile I just avoided answering the phone and left it to my dad since the ‘calls’ were usually for him anyhow.

Finally it came to be a generalized anger towards all ringing telephones! Even mobile phones on public transit annoy me despite the ringtone usually being music. Just recounting this story here has left me feeling tense. The tension in my shoulders right now and my low back is not coincidence! Clearly the anger remains. I know it’s irrational because the message has been deleted on our home phone that was troubling me and I’ve been away from work since 2010! So rationally and logically speaking, I should not have this anger-but I do. How do I desensitize myself to ringing telephones?

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.