Reflections on Life Thus Far

My life. My story: Exploring mental health, spirituality, meditation & random thoughts I have


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Confused and Uncertain

question-1301144Since being sick in December and unable to be around people/out in public (so as not to infect anyone) for nearly a month I’m finding it hard to know what I’m doing. The forced confinement made me unhappy since I couldn’t enjoy the holidays like I normally can. Not that the holidays are always happy for me but at least being allowed out improves mood. Me, I was too bothered by how I looked to even go out on my patio for fresh air. Stupid adult chicken pox. But now that I can go out again my mood and mental state hasn’t exactly recovered totally.

confusion-311388The main problem is being unfocused and uncertain about what to do with myself. I haven’t really been enjoying the designing I have been doing for a few print on demand companies on the internet. Technically I still design for them but it’s compensated only by a royalty and requires more marketing ability than I possess to make a living off it. So I feel unsatisfied by my daily occupation. I want to make a difference in the world and feel like I am positively contributing. As of now I feel pretty useless and doubting of myself. Perhaps I can volunteer?…

 

Maybe all of these thoughts would not have surfaced if it weren’t for the discussion I’d had in late November with an aunt of mine and my dad. I posted about it a couple of posts back. Anyway it was the suggestion I contact a lawyer for my dad (since I have nothing pressing to do with my time apparently) regarding some money he felt was owed him. He thinks he was supposed to receive money but hasn’t because his family cheated him out of it.

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As far as I know he couldn’t have been in the will since it’s been well over a year since his sister died and he wasn’t contacted. But he holds firm in his bitterness and resentment toward a couple family members he thinks ruined his chance at financial freedom. The bitterness he holds is scary and I feel concerned for him. One, I don’t know that there was ever any money or not ‘owed’ to him; secondly, I am worried he’ll be bitter and resentful for the rest of his life and unable to get past any of this.

contest-1767672

 

He’s heavily focused on the past and what went wrong, including when he was a child. This includes hanging onto resentment over what his younger brother did and got away with. Basically he’s upset he shouldered the responsibility in the family in terms of chores and expectations; while his younger brother and older sister weren’t made to do much (from his perspective). He grew up in the 1950s and 60s.

deciding-1364439What all this has to do with me is I was asked to take on this concern of my dad’s (that is a lot bigger and deeper than my aunt likely knows) and to solve it for him with a lawyer. I don’t want to get involved because I think he’s delusional and has problems sorting reality out from his imagination. If I went to a lawyer what on earth would I have to make any sort of ‘case’ for him? None of the stuff he told me about was anything I was present to verify and I am used to having to explain to him what was actually said versus what he ‘heard’. Oh, and that is just with respect to television shows or when we’re discussing less weighty issues than legal matters. So it’s hard for me to take what he says at ‘face value’ because I know how often he mishears words and throws in his own substitution when confused by conversations.

 

You might think he has dementia but I am fairly certain it’s just his neurological issues he’s had for his whole life. Apparently he had quite a bit of his brain damaged from medical complications as a child living far from hospitals and doctors (plus no proper transportation to remedy the problem).

tarot-1775322I’m considering alternative methods for helping my dad. For instance, I thought perhaps a psychic with mediumship abilities could contact his sister and ask her if she actually did promise him money at some point or other and if it was included in her will or not. Yes, it sounds like my judgement might be questionable here but I am open minded and figure a ‘direct connection’ to his sister could clear up his (probably) mistaken ideas.

 

What to do? I wish I knew the right answer to all these concerns plaguing my mind. Notfuture-1126760 just with my dad but what I may do with my life. I’m scared that my life is slipping by and I’m not making the most of it. But I remain uncertain about what ‘it’ is I am meant to do. Ah, heck! Maybe I should be the one with the question for the psychic about my own life but I still need help with my dad’s situation too. Oh well, I suppose I will just have to meditate and hope the answer(s) come to me at the time I need them.

©Natalya Lyubov, 2017.

 


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New Counsellor

A cute monkey 🙂

Tuesday I met my new counsellor after my last one had to leave because her internship had ended. The new counsellor seems good so far. I felt a connection so that’s a positive sign since I don’t like having to ask to see someone else. Unexpectedly, I ended up crying quite a bit as I recounted what I thought by now would be ‘routine’. Instead, I sat crying for a fair portion of the session. It’s a good sign if I am able to be emotionally vulnerable on my first meeting with a therapist or counsellor. Otherwise it means I am guarded. So I see the crying as a good thing.

I won’t get to see my new counsellor again until the end of the month because she’s going on vacation. Hopefully things will be okay and I will be alright. The only thing plaguing me is what do I do next? I thought by now I’d know what I want to do but I am still clueless. Thus, all I have been capable of is housekeeping and yard work. Both things that aren’t very much fun but they do give me a feeling of satisfaction when I can make a space look nicer than before. I’ve also been helping my dad sell his car. So I have been keeping busy but I feel like I ought to have a better idea of what I’m doing when and where. Right now I just see myself as doing things that need to be done but maybe aren’t important. They’re things that need doing though. Living in a messy and unclean environment doesn’t make me feel positive. In that sense, then, I am contributing at least to the maintenance of my home. Also, I try to provide an ear to my dad and help him out.

It was warm and sunny today so I got outside and trimmed the rose bushes a bit more. Otherwise I stayed indoors because the sun was actually a bit much for me. Even though it was only 20 Celsius it was humid. It’s hard to feel like doing much when you’re warm. Mind you in a month or two this will feel cool! Already the mosquitoes and black flies are out-I could live without them though!

©Natalya, 2013.

 

 


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I’ve Been Thinking….(uh-oh!)

Alright, I’ve been thinking about my introversion and anxiety in social situations lately. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill imagining more that could go wrong than is likely. I tend to worry about embarrassing myself but I am discovering this may be a complete waste of my time. After all, few people really notice me as much as I do so if I quit stressing over what others might be thinking of me I’ll likely be able to go out and do more things. Currently I spend a lot of time sitting at home in front of my computer. Mostly I feel content, occasionally I am lonely but this is infrequent. I kind of wish I had a furry companion but without a job I can’t take care of an animal properly so that’s on hold for now.

If I leave the comfort and safety of my online world there are benefits. I just need to convince myself they’re

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure.

Pondering the meaning of life, for sure. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

greater than sitting in front of my computer all day. Tomorrow I have to see my employment counsellor and I’m concerned of what she’ll think about how I’ve been spending my time. She wanted me to go check out a particular temp agency to see if they’d do testing assessing my computer competency because I’d mentioned I didn’t feel confident in my abilities for work. I didn’t go. So now I am worried she’ll be disappointed in me. I guess I will remind myself I am not five years old and she’s not the school principal or something! LOL If she is disappointed so be it.

I was too nervous to go because I let my anxiety get the better of me imagining how I’d be seen by the people running the agency. I worried they’d think I was stupid or inept. The thought of being evaluated or assessed on my computer skills terrified me. All of the sudden I was thinking they’d find out I was seriously not cut out for anything and I should just go live on disability for the rest of my life! I know, right? Mega catastrophizing going on. This is why I sit at home most days.

Fear rules my world when it comes to employment. My mother had to quit working due to disability when she was around my age and I constantly worry I’ll end up like her. She never worked again after quitting at 29 or 30. She worked at home raising my sister and I for awhile until that was too much for her and she just let us fend for ourselves. So I imagine each year that passes with me being unemployed (it’s been 2.5) that I’m heading towards a life mirroring my mother’s sans the kids and husband. I don’t want kids but wouldn’t mind a husband; however I need to get a job! Ugh 😦 My mother had no income besides what my dad gave her. I can’t live like that.

What am I to do? I do have a confidence building workshop coming up next week that’s three three hour sessions. I REALLY hope I can be more confident after going because I am seriously getting fed up with myself. Yes, I know I have to show more compassion to myself. That is a problem I have but I’m working on it. Seriously.

Related article: http://myjourneytorecoveryafterstroke.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/feeling-some-stress-today/

Thanks for reading.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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Savouring Solitude or Isolated?

There are times I find myself sitting with myself enjoying my company telling myself there’s nothing wrong

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

with what I’m doing. Then there’s the times I question how much solitude is healthy even for a true introvert like me? Am I isolated or merely happier in my own company? A part of me wants to believe I am alright, nothing to worry about. Another part insists I’m shutting the world out to protect myself. But what’s wrong with protecting yourself? Is there really any way to determine the correct amount of interaction with the outside world beyond my computer?

The reason I’ve been thinking these thoughts has to do with the fact I hardly go out anymore. I need an appointment to go to, or some other planned event to attend before I’ll push my butt out the door. It isn’t easy for me to encounter people in public. I feel self conscious from staying indoors at home for so long. Somehow I’ve become convinced I stand out and my small town will gawk. I’m not freakish looking but people tend to be nosy and gossip inclined around where I live. It’s hard to just ‘blend in’. If I thought I could go outside and ‘blend in’ I’d have no problem because I wouldn’t think about people paying attention to me. But in my area it’s difficult to go unnoticed. Not that people are obviously staring but you get the feeling they’re aware of you and I just want to be invisible. I want to go out in public incognito with nobody knowing who I am.

Part of the problem I suppose is I am 30 still living where I grew up and haven’t left ‘the nest’ yet. In my head I’m a failure-I have ‘failure to launch’ syndrome! Of course it’s not due to being lazy, rather I have a lot of student loans and can’t afford living on my own. I don’t have a job. My last one ‘burnt me out’. So I quit after being a slave to it for three years. It felt fantastic but I haven’t been able to find something suitable since. Thus, my current anxiety around going out and being seen in public. I’m afraid of being judged. I don’t like people thinking poorly of me but I imagine if they found out what I do most days-sit at home blogging for no income-they’d criticize me.

I don’t have a wealth of confidence and though my self esteem is reasonable I can’t seem to shake others opinions of me completely. Negative comments to do with what I’m doing everyday bother me. I already feel ashamed of myself so anyone else who has something negative to add typically heaps a bit more shame on top of what I’m already carrying around. But I should mention I don’t give a rat’s a** about negative comments concerning anything else-just my unemployed status.

For some reason being unemployed makes me feel like I’m a bad person. I have many good points/qualities

Unemployment

Unemployment (Photo credit: born1945)

etc but it all boils down to me being unemployed. The shame is hard to bear. I’m afraid I’ll never have another job-let alone one I actually enjoy and get decently paid for. The longer I am without employment the worse I perceive myself. I worry that the things I’m good at will be useless and not help me find gainful employment that I actually like. It doesn’t seem to matter to me that I have a 4-year degree and almost another full degree in a professional field because I don’t want to work in the area I studied in.

So I look at myself as being severely handicapped when it comes to competing for jobs along side other people who actually have experience/education in the area. My education and experience is in an area that nearly drove me crazy! I’m not going back to it! So what’s a woman like me to do?

Please, any insights or positive advice/comments would be appreciated! Thank you.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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Friggin’ allergies are making my life miserable!…and other things

Okay, I admit I am not a great housekeeper and there’s A LOT of dust around my home but I can’t be expected to dust 24/7! My allergies have been doing a number on my energy levels lately. Mainly, I don’t have any. Mold and mildew are a bit of a problem as well but not as bad as the dust. Years of dust have been forming on some items in my home, while others have been neglected for shorter spans of time.

I don’t like vacuuming or dusting very much. When it’s hot out and humid I can’t be bothered. Also I’m allergic to certain weather patterns-I get headaches and stuffed up. Someday’s it feels like I’m allergic to EVERYTHING! Pollen, ragweed, dust, mold, mildew, freshly cut grass, lactose, changes in the barometric pressure…OMG, seriously. I can’t breathe at times and it’s a catch 22 because if I cleaned regularly this

Dust-Mask-Cone_23462-480x360

Dust-Mask-Cone_23462-480×360 (Photo credit: Public Domain Photos)

wouldn’t be such an issue; however, as I’m fatigued constantly the dust builds up more and more. Okay, so if I had more money I’d hire someone to dust for me but I don’t so it’s up to me to get rid of the dust. You’d be amazed at the irony of my situation. Dusting gives me problems in itself-I start wheezing and coughing, my asthma flares. I routinely forget I own a dust mask for this reason and end up remembering AFTER I’ve wheezed and coughed through the chore.

This isn’t meant to be a pity party or an effort at finding sympathy; I just want to rant a little. I’m sure plenty of people are in the same boat as me but find it in themselves to actually DO something about it. Doing has never been a strong point of mine. It comes in somewhere after carpentry-which I also have no aptitude for. I like to think and think, then think some more, then, maybe finally spring into action. Staying in the realm of the cerebral and abstract is comforting for me, actually going out into the world isn’t. While many people consider ‘getting their hands dirty’ or ‘being in the trenches’ part and parcel of a life well lived, I’d much rather observe.

By now you may have gathered or deduced that I have social anxiety, among other problems. I take medication for these things but so far I haven’t found a pill for conquering inertia. No matter how much I meditate zazen or mindfulness style, I can’t convince myself going out and interacting with people is a worthwhile endeavour. The only helpful piece about the meditation is it has made me far more aware of where I’m going wrong. It has also made me feel guilty for not contributing to humanity in some way by whatever means I’m able to. So I have decided volunteering would be a good idea if I can just get up the nerve to ask for references.

For what seems like forever now I’ve had trouble asking people for references, either for work or volunteering. I imagine the person I’ve asked either not remembering me or thinking I’ve become an underachiever after hearing what I’m applying for. That or they don’t have anything positive to say about me. You see I have the problem of being very self conscious and able to predict NEGATIVE outcomes well, while being blind to any potential positive outcomes. I’m going to overcome it though! Why? you may ask yourself. Well I am ashamed of where I’ve ended up. I can’t hide forever and expect to actually live a purposeful life. What sort of person says they have a meaningful and purposeful life while staying at home all the time? Nobody, right? Right.

It’s time I’ve started to interact with the world outside my computer. If I manage to kick my butt into action and you don’t see regular posts be glad, for it will mean I’ve found something to do, something in the REAL world. But in the meantime I’ll keep posting updates and telling you more about myself.

© Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Zen Lady Meditating and Reflections On Life Thus Far with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


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Hello world!

Hi! welcome to my blog. I hope to update my blog regularly but am not the best at getting around to things so there may be gaps. Currently, I’m an unemployed university graduate/drop out from a second degree (BA & BSW respectively).I was ill for awhile and had to leave my last job due to stress and lack of satisfaction with what I was doing. Things were not going well for me but have since turned around.  Although unemployed still my health is better now than ever before and I hope to be working in the not too distant future; in which case I will update when I can. For now I will post whatever comes into my head! I hope you decide to follow my blog 🙂